Such an elusive thing.
I’ve had a discussion tonight with the friend of old. The one that disappeared into the ether and appeared again – out of the blue. Frank discussions. We’ve always been able to have those. Think even back when we met, and the timing was as off as it is now, we found a kindred spirit. Like minded souls. Two people meeting in a time and place that was not conducive to a meaningful relationship, but rather a friendship that could actually span years.
Aside – as I’m typing this, ballet music from Rosamunde is playing, while rain drips steadily from the heavens. The house is silent bar the sounds of water and glorious instruments. Late night thoughts – always somewhat darker than daytime thoughts, but needed nevertheless.
Back to happiness.
Tonight our discussions took us into the realms of fantasy. If things were different and we were both free what would we do, how would we handle it. Of course, me being me, I’ve already thought up each and every pitfall we could possibly face. But the major thing, the biggest obstacle at the moment – my responsibility for somebody else’s well being. I can’t be held responsible for somebody else’s happiness, but I can be very responsible for their unhappiness. And that’s not something I could let slide without it leaving a black stain on my soul. So often in my life, other people have not hesitated to be the cause of my unhappiness. Be it in words, or deeds, or just general uncaringness, they have removed happiness from my life. Until I realised that they can only do that if I allow them to. Which I don’t anymore. Of course, that means the drawbridges have been raised and the battlements armed, vigilant for any and all attacks, but also for any and all peace offerings.
And as C rightly said – how can I make anybody happy if I’m not happy? I should first and foremost look to my happiness. The analogy he used was of a mother. If she has to go out and feed her kids, how can she do this without feeding herself too? That being said, I can never build my own happiness on somebody else’s unhappiness. That usually means that i am left behind while the rest of the people prosper and move on, but if that means that they can go forth and conquer the world with weapons I provided them with, I’ll be OK with that.
And I have to look at my path. Me and C have both been working for the same company long before I met him after my return from Iraq. We never met before that day though. I would not have been able to see his worth had I met him even only three years before our actual meeting. The timing was not right. When I did meet him, we were both reeling from our respective relationships – he still mostly happy in his, me, knowing that it was going to end sooner rather than later. Timing was not right. When I met up with him again, he was reeling from the demise of his own relationship. Reeling big time. Needed time to get his head back on his shoulders, able to look himself in the mirror. He’s reached that milestone. And now, now I’m involved in something that I sincerely hope would be good for the person in question, even if I have to keep myself out of the loop until that happens.
I just saw something on FB –
Reading it, I have to think about what the Universe is trying to teach me in this. Is it telling me to hold on for the moment? Is it putting temptation in my way to test my moral fibre so to speak? Am I being put to the choice between my own happiness and somebody else’s? These are all valid questions. And I have searching to do. But I think I already know the answer to my own question.
Bottom line – I can not start with something new, no matter how long it was in coming, before I have not ended the project I started. That would be unfair to all parties involved. Me and C were friends. We are still friends. We will continue to be friends. He understands the situation I’m in. Accepts the kind of person I am. And, according to him, he’s prepared to wait for me. How amazingly cool is that? Which brings me to thinking, how am I worth such words when I’m even only contemplating of trowing over one person for a possibility with another one? Me, who have been thrown over a few times before? Me, the person that’s suffered from people’s selfishness on many occasions? Me, who knows only too well that, bottom line, trying to build your own happiness on the shaky ground of other’s unhappiness – not a good idea.
The status quo will stay as is until the new year. The New year will bring many things to a close. Both my kids will have flown both the coop and the country. People will start employing other people and hopefully my house guest would be one of the employed. I may or may not have a job come January 31. As it is, everything can change in the blink of an eye, and I have to prepare myself for that.
Still. That does not stop me from longing for someone who will watch over me.
Herewith, three version of the same song. They all speak to me in their own way. Choose the one you like most and listen to it with my ears. then you’ll know how it feels to always be searching, never finding, and, when you do, not being able to act on it.
May your days be long upon the earth…
And a newer version, but nonetheless stunning…