Look at her.
Her cold, bony face.
Staring down at the,
Mostly insignificant,
Beings on earth.
Our daily toils and troubles,
So much dust in her timeless gaze.
Our tears and sorrows.
As nothing in her endlessness.
Every month, without fail,
she shows herself.
And us? The ones looking upon her?
We strive to change.
We desire a difference.
Alas. Always, only ever the same.
As changeless as the moon,
so are our insignificant lives…
Not a good day.
Not a good mood.
Nothing positive to share.
Silence will help.
Solitude will soothe.
Alas.
Salary has to be earned.
No solitude to be had.
Life continues,
on it’s not so merry tracks…
Just no.
Don’t know how to do this anymore.
Send an application through this afternoon at about 3. When I got home 3 hours later and opened my e mail, the rejection letter was already waiting for me. WTF!!! What am I going to do? Why does nobody want to employ me? Am I really that useless? Or is it just a question of there being a whole lot younger, tighter and degreed people willing to do anything…
This just sucks. No. It does not just suck. It seems to be the end of my world as I know it actually.
And to top it all, when I got home, there was a letter in my post box. Which is currently my drive way, but we’ll not go there just yet.
From the vet I took my old man to. Saturday it will be three weeks ago.
And reading this just opened the taps again…
If it should be
if it should be that I grow frail and weak
and pain should keep me from my sleep.
Then you must do what must be done
for this, the last battle cant be won.
You will be sad – I understand.
Don’t let your grief then slay your hand,
for this day, more than all the rest,
your love and friendship stand the test.
We’ve had so many happy years,
what is to come can hold no fears.
You’d not want me to suffer so,
when the time comes, please let me go.
Take me where my needs they’ll end.
Only stay with me till the end.
Hold me firm and speak to me
until my eyes no longer see.
I know, in time you too will see
it is a kindness you do to me.
although my tail, it’s last was waved
from pain and suffering, I’ve been saved.
Don’t grieve that it should be you
who has to decide this thing you do.
We’ve been so close – we two these years,
Don’t let your heart hold any tears.
Floored I tell you. On the ground.
Maybe, one day can pass without tears being shed over something I have absolutely no control over. One can always hope, not so?
One ray of light, my dance lesson was moved from last night to tonight. And I have visitors for supper tomorrow night. Mr P & his son. Will see how that goes down. The meet on Saturday with my lot went well – the youngest is quite happy with the status quo 
But you know kids. They can screw anything up if they try hard enough. Then again, it’s not as if I have no experience with nineteen year olds! Still. Not something I’ve ever had to do before so I have no idea what to expect. I’ll just cook one of my family’s favourite, the baklava is chilling in the fridge, coffee at the ready… If nothing else, at least we’ll eat.
Let me leave you with Radiohead. Sounds quite like I feel…
IT’s been a while.
I’m completely without topics. Well, not really, but the words are not there just yet.
It would seem that Mr P and myself have been talking so much about so many things that I’m running dry!!!
Not really that either. A few things have crossed my mind, and as soon as the words are there, they will find the light of day.
This was just to let you know I’m still alive, still breathing, still getting to know another human in person. Still here as Mr P would say.
A few one liners to pass the time with, until we meet again…
Adieu!
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Label Instructions
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In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Myer hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that’s the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Palmolive soap: “Directions: Use like regular soap.” (and that would be how???….)
On some frozen dinners: “Serving suggestion: Defrost.” (but, it’s “just” a suggestion).
On Nanna’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): “Do not turn upside down.” (well…duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: “Product will be hot after heating.”(…and you thought????…)
On packaging for a K-Mart iron: “Do not iron clothes on body.” (but wouldn’t this save me more time?)
On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine:”Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.” (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: “Warning: May cause drowsiness.” (and…I’m taking this because???….)
On most brands of Christmas lights: “For indoor or outdoor use only.”(as opposed to…what?)
On a Japanese food processor: “Not to be used for the other use.”(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious.)
On Nobby’s peanuts: “Warning: contains nuts.” (talk about a news flash!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Instructions: Open packet,eat nuts.” (Step 3: maybe, uh…fly Delta?)
I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On a child’s superman costume: “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”
On a Swedish chainsaw: “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.” (…was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
…the week is drawing to a close.
It feels like only yesterday that Monday dawned, and I stayed awake just about the whole evening.
Alas. The weeks is basically on it’s back, and I’m no closer to any resolution than I was yesterday or the day before or the day before.
Do have a bit of a yarn to share with you guys.
About a CEO.
Now we all know, CEO’s have a certain opinion of themselves. I suppose they can be humble people, but I have yet to meet one that was truly humble.
Every month, without fail, the CEO and all his buddies come up to JHB from CT to have a whole day meeting. Me, I would have declined the honour thank you very much. Just the thought of sitting in the same room with the same bunch of people for 8 hours, make my stomach turn and my eyelids droop!!
Yet, they still come. They eat and drink and laugh and decide the fates of their minions after eating copious amounts of biscuits and sweets and food.
The office is situated in a complex. With security measures in place. Meaning, you have to stamp your little parking card by the company you’re visiting.
Of course, one day Mr CEO was not in the mood to go and fetch his little parking card from his car before leaving. Reckons he will just SIGN it and they will let him out. Oh my. Sorry sir. We may kowtow to you, but the dudes at the security gate does, in fact, not have to, so they will indeed not just accept your signature. Said signature may be worth a few bucks in the company, but in the bigger scheme of things, meaning security guards at checkpoints, it does not mean much.
Today, the same bloke was there for yet another endless meeting. He hurries past me out the door on the way to the loo. And he left a little parcel behind. One of those that does not do the olfactory senses any good.
Shame.
CEO or no, still just a human.
Now, if we can only make HIM understand that, the world might be a better place!
On a sadder note. The kid got the results for his court appearance ability test today. And he did not make it. Second time. Poor young man is feeling very dejected. Reckons he’s a let-down. I don’t even know where he gets that from!! As if I will ever feel different about him, regardless of what he does! I mean. It’s your kid, not so? You love them regardless of how much they screw up or how much they don’t screw up. The love is the same, all the time. I’ll try my best to console him on Sunday when I see him, as well as tonight and tomorrow over the phone.
Poor boy. Send him good thoughts peeps – he can use them right about now.
And on that note folks, let me bid you adieu. Time to eat something, and then sleep a heck of a lot more than I did last night! Not that it was not entirely worth the droopy lids, but I’m not a spring chicken anymore. This old body needs some sleep – a matter that I will rectify very soon.
Wish me luck for the interview tomorrow – I can use all the good thoughts I can get!!
Long days and pleasant nights.
I’ve been doing a lot of that lately.
About Mr P. The job thing. Money. Kids.
Chaos unnerves me. Not knowing what’s going to happen leaves me with a cold sweat.
I realise that the future is uncharted territory. None of us really know what’s going to happen around the next bend. And that I’ve made peace with.
At least, when you have an actual job with certain paychecks, you can stave off the most immediate worries like bonds and food and bills. Nowadays though, it seems to get a job is becoming almost impossible. I have an interview with an agency on Friday afternoon. So I have to schlepp all the way there, and travel all the way back to Pretoria, on the off chance that I might get a job out of it. Have to do some kind of computer test or some such. I can’t remember when last I did a test of any kind. and, truth be told, I’m actually quite scared of what they will want me to do. I’ve never worked on Accys. I’ve mostly been working on the usual stuff – Word, Power point and Excel. As fast as I can type free-hand, I’ve never been able to not look at the keyboard while typing unless it’s numbers. As quickly as I pick up new systems, I have no idea what they will expect of me. And I’m scared to death of falling by the wayside because some snot-nosed graduate is better than me in theory.
In cases like these I guess I should become more like Mr P. He takes life’s knocks in stride. Potter along here, do something there, earn a bit of bucks any way he can. Then again, it’s different for a bloke. People would not even take me seriously if I say I want to become a motor mechanic. Or a builder. Or even a plumber. In all my life, I have never seen a woman do those things. And I don’t suppose it’s because nobody wants to, it’s just because people think you’re crazy to want to do manual labour. They prefer their females in high heels and stockings behind a desk.
Was bragging about Mr P today to a woman at work. The wine snob. From Stellenbosch. Tells her he knows who Gustav Klimt is. And how rare it is that a man knows who Gustav Klimt is. And she looks at me as if I’ve grown a second head. Not because she was surprised at what the bloke knows, but because she was surprised that I knew the artist. Since I don’t drink wine, I don’t go to hoity-toity spots, and I answer a telephone for a living, I’m automatically dense and completely disinterested in the world around me?
Some people are exactly that. I know a good many of them. It just goes to show. Don’t judge. You don’t have all the facts, almost none of the info you need. Don’t judge what you can know nothing about.
Oh yes. Before I forget. Tomorrow is the eldest’s 24th b day. And he’s invites us all for brunch on Sunday. I completely forgot about the brunch, so made plans with Mr P to make cement orbs to put on the pavement. When I was reminded about the brunch on Sunday by the kid in question, I put it to Mr P that I will have to go to this, no question about it. So, I asked if he think he could handle it. The answer? Beyond my wildest fantasies, he did not even hesitate to say yes. Reckons he can then meet them all in one swoop. This guy is just racking up the brownie points.
And I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop. What is going to come out that will tarnish him? That will make all the brownie points null and void? And if nothing like it ever happens, what the hell then? Does it mean I’ve really found a good fit? And above all. Will I be able to go the distance? What if he’s my perfect fit and I’m not his?
Fuck!!!
This is even worse than being alone!!
Strangely enough, my gut is as calm as Lake Placid sans the crocodile. The butterflies that’s in there has nothing to do with anxiety, and everything to do with the man’s aura so to speak. The way he sees the world, both through his eyes and through his camera lens is one that I could live in. And I’m likely thinking myself into a knot for nothing. It’s not even been a week yet – anything can still happen. We still talk though. The whole day and the whole night. All the time.
And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is a very good sign!!
I’m off to dancing again tonight – hope your evening or day or afternoon or whatever you’re busy with holds only good thing.
And do spare a thought for Huntmode. She’s just lost her Claire, and since I now know just how wrenching that can be, I think good thoughts will go a long way. I’m with you in Spirit P!!
After the many late nights this weekend, coupled with another late night last night, l think an early night is in order.
Supper eaten – nothing quite like avo on toast with a hot cuppa!! Of course, l’ll pay for this later tonight with some kind of acid reflux, but what the heck. Life’s way too short to worry about everything!
As for Mr P, astoundingly enough, we’re still conversing. This is a record – four days in a row, the whole day and deep into the evening. Quite a first for me, and l’m absolutely loving it!!
Mr Right? Or Mr Right Now?
Dunno. Time will tell.
For the moment though, it’s good to not be treated as an afterthought. To be thought worthy. And for those thoughts to be clearly displayed.
Let the evening be full of fruit folks – tomorrow we work again
Well folks. There you go, another Monday down the tubes.
No closer to gainful employment than I was yesterday or the day before – apparently they now need you to have some kind of degree to issue parking bays and tokens. What on earth has this world come to!! It’s been said that a good percentage of South Africa’s University graduates are functionally illiterate. Meaning they’re sending people out into the world with actual degrees that can’t even write and read at a certain level.
And I can’t find a job. Me. Who reads more than I sleep, who abhors spelling mistakes and language misuse. Me, the completely bilingual person can’t find a job. With all my experience and knowledge, I’m relegated to be treated as a fourth grade citizen because I answer telephones instead of taking calls on my cell phone.
Oh well.
Let me tell you about my date on Saturday.
As you already know, the guy has an Apple Mac. Brownie point number one. And on this gorgeous machine, he, of course, has iTunes. And part of his music collection is Benny Goodman. Billy Holiday. Brian Ferry. Brownie point number two.
His current abode is filled with any manner of old stuff, quite like mine, only difference is, he trades in the old stuff he has, while I hang on to them for dear life. Brownie point number three.
He gave me three little milk glass bottles – Brownie point number four.
Yes, of course he has issues, who does not? I have many of those!! But the more we talk, the more it seems that it might just be issues I could deal with – and that’s always a major thing. If you can’t deal with somebody else’s issues, rather leave it.
Early days yet, so many things can happen, but we’ve been talking all the time since Friday. Up until 3 am on Saturday. Whole day Sunday, whole day today – the longest convo I’ve had with any of the randoms I’ve met so far.
And another thing – he’s brother is an astrologist. Gave him my date of birth and found out from mom what time I was born, and it turns out my Sun sign is Sagittarius – obviously. My moon is Aquarius – since I was after all born in the age of Aquarius . And my Rising sign, whatever that means, is Taurus. Have no idea what the combo means. Have no idea of if I pass muster or not. But I was told I’m a worthy person…
So yes. Time will tell. But for now, I’m cautiously optimistic. Baby steps, careful not to muddy the waters too soon, first see where this is going, if anywhere, and then I can go for it, mind, body and soul. Maybe I’m reaching a stage where I want some togetherness on some level. Probably why I have not completely abandoned the search just yet.
For now I’ll call this one Mr P, since he’s a photographer – and I like the way he sees things through his lens.
not only in the States WP…
The Daily Prompt.
Missive :
Today is Mother’s Day in the United States. Wherever in the world you are, write your mother a letter.
Photographers, share a photo that says mothering.
I’m indeed not going to write mom a letter. I cooked for her today. Well, mostly. She did the finishing touches, and made the dessert, and we all had a relatively peaceful lunch. I will write about her, and about being a mother though.
Having kids, giving actual birth to them, is hard work. It hurts like a bitch. You have a bunch of people standing around your nether regions, looking into a place YOU don’t even get to look at, unless maybe, if your lover is very nearsighted and has to wear glasses all the time.
So, giving birth is not romantic. It’s not pretty. It’s messy and violent, and probably the most rewarding thing you will ever do in your entire life. I’m talking only the actual birth here, once the kid is out it’s even more messy and violent, not to mention alcohol abuse inducing.
But being a mother is, to me, unlike anything. Yes, you struggle. Sure, you screw up. But you always try your best, under any circumstances. Kids can feel if their parents love them. They know what’s going on in your subconscious on a very basic level. So, even if you don’t say a negative word to them, they can feel your energy, and will react accordingly. I’m forever uncertain about if I did right by my kids. If I gave them sufficient tools to manage the outside world. If I gave them enough lessons so they can understand right from wrong.
I think my mom did a relatively good job with me – even though I faltered, I’ve usually gravitated back toward the road that is almost straight. She’s the one I phone when I hurt. Be it physical or emotional. When I had my singular operation, she was the one that came to fetch me from the hospital. When I had the most awful stomach cramps, before the operation to remove the cause, she was the one I phoned to take me to hospital. She’s the one who hugged me tight after old Sash left earth, and I know she felt my pain.
Quite like I feel my kid’s pain when they go through a break-up, or when they struggle to make sense of their lives. Once the kid is there, you can never put them back. They walk around with your heart in a backpack. Make you worry that they won’t get home safe, or that somebody will break into their houses. Worry when they lose a job or get fired or just feel miserable. Once you’re a mom, all those things are par for the course. You can’t change it, you can’t go back, you can’t fix it. You just have to adapt. let them go. Let them make their mistakes, no matter how hard you know it must be for them. You cut the strings – because that’s part of your job as a mom. To keep your kids with you at all times, tethering yourself to them is just unhealthy. They must spread their wings, and get them burnt in the process – it’s part of life, and something they can’t only appreciate after you’re let them go.
And then you get a day like today. I’m tired – only went to bed at 3 am this morning, and was up again at 8 am. I did not look forward to Snipey Sis’ company. I did so not look forward to all the cooking I had to do. And then my son got here with a gift. A candle holder and a photo frame. The candle holder to light a candle for old Sash, and the photo frame to put a picture of him on my bedside table – such a very thoughtful thing to do. Why? Because he knows his mom. He knows how deeply the old man’s passing hurt us all, but especially me. And he tried to do something to assuage the hurt to the best of his ability.
And I think, that’s how you know that you did not screw up too much. That you did give them the tools to see other people’s hurt. That you raised sons that can hold their head high in society.
And even though I’m not the world’s greatest success story on many levels, I’m still holding it together. Because I still have my mom to lend an ear when I feel down, or make me a cup of coffee when I need to run away from the world. and me, in my turn, give her a place to run to when SHE needs to run away for a while. And she did give me the tools to weather the storms.
So, thanks Mom. You are still with me, even though I’m not always a daughter to be proud of. You always listen to me, never complain when you have to help me with anything – you are still my mom, and without you, I would be even more lost than I am now.
And because Elvis is my mom’s fav, and this is quite a lovely song, here we go then – Happy Mother’s day ladies 
I’m typing this post on an actual Apple Mac laptop…
How unbelievably cool is that!!!
At the date’s spot – and it’s actually going well for a change.
I’m loving this
Have fun guys-I’m gonna…
