Help. Help. Help…

Nope, not me. I’m sorted for the most part.

And, if I need help, I wait until said need goes away by ignoring it, or doing it myself. Much easier that way. Less people to be beholden to if you do things yourself.

But, since I’m in a mood today, being a hormonal middle aged woman and all, I’ve been thinking about this help thing.

Everywhere – Facebook, radio, work colleagues, everybody needs help. Disenfranchised white people. Previously disadvantaged black people. Dogs, cats, orphans, mentally and physically disabled kids and adults, everybody needs and wants help and they have no compunction looking at me and the rest of the great unwashed, those of us with jobs and places to stay, for said help. With no hesitation at all they are prepared to ask for money so that one young man can go and defend his radio operated aeroplane title in Switzerland or what ever they currently think will be a good idea.

As I already stated, I’m in a mood today, so, the thoughts crossing my mind is not very civic or even very kind. After hearing a story from one of the work mates about something that happened on the radio today. A radio station apparently went to an all girls orphanage and performed for them like a very bad boy band. And afterwards they gave all the girls tickets to go to a One Direction concert – because said girls do not have parents to  buy them tickets. Sad for those girls but good for them too. Not that I’m in any way interested in seeing One Direction – I don’t even know who they are! it was the thought behind the thought that caught in my mind like a burr.

Thinking of my children. They grew up, mostly on their own. They came home after school, no mother there to greet them. They made their own way home for the most part, no gran to give them a lift to and from school. They did the cooking. They helped me keep the place relatively clean. They never had any real electronics. no home computers or printers, no internet, no tablets. Most of those things were not as readily available then as they are now, and, truth be told, they were probably better off without said electronics than todays’ kids with it.

The point I’m trying to  make is the following: Neither me nor my children had a lot of help in years gone by. We did not die of hunger, because in that we did receive help. Unasked for for the most part. But nobody ever got them tickets for a show because they grew up in a broken home where the mother was hard pressed to keep a roof over their heads. Nobody offered to take them for an ocean holiday because some months they had to make do with sausage and macaroni. Never was the offer made to buy their school shoes or school bags or school stationary. Why? Because they never needed those things? Because they went on holidays all the time? Because they had a parent that could furnish them with all those things?

Nope. Not because of any of those reasons. Only because they did have a parent. Which was somewhat good for them I suppose, but I often think, having had me as a parent may have caused them more harm than good. In fact, I think most kids that grow up in a single parent household comes out of it with more than a few screws loose. They have a parent. Even if said parent have too much month left at the end of the money, even if said parent are struggling with their own feelings of inadequacies, the stress of being the sole breadwinner on too little money, the worry of being the main provider, having double the responsibility with half the time and money, the constant battle between what you want your kids to have and what you can actually give them. Not easy. And you let the ball drop more often than you like. This I know from experience.

Everybody needs help at some stages of their life. Most though, fall through the cracks. They don’t get the help they need. Probably because, as was my case, they never asked for it. But, in my defence, often, when I did ask from the places that could help – government institutions – you were left to foot the bill. My family helped where they could, the school did something, a church did once, but, for the most part, we were left to our own devices.

The story this morning about the orphanage kids being taken for a concert, coupled with the hormonal mood I’m in today and having been reading and listening to all the people that needs help has put me in kind of a negative state of mind. Where I don’t want to be bothered to help people when I never received any help myself. When my kids had to make do without so much. Yes, it’s selfish of me, I know. My kids had food on their table, a roof over their heads, clean clothes and access to education. Much more than many other kids do have. But that’s all they had. Nobody ever felt sorry enough for them to try and take them out of their circumstances like they’re doing with the orphanage girls.

My boys. The reason I got up and went to work so many mornings. The only reason I’m still alive today. And I could not even give them a quarter of what goes without saying these days.

Crying over spilt milk and water under the bridge won’t change anything. You can’t change the past, you can’t make it better or do it over, you can only try and live your life in the present as best you can. And often, the past rears it’s ugly head and you have to deal with the same feelings all over again. Just because I am tearful today, sad for all the things that got lost along the way, probably thinking about what might have beens – it all adds up. Tomorrow is a different day and life invariably goes on but for today, I’ll be a bit teary eyed and sad.

Trust you will not…


9 comments on “Help. Help. Help…

  1. Sorry that you’re feeling sad, 68. Hope the weekend cheers you up. Don’t read the news for a couple of days, although it’s difficult not to have a look to see what new horrors and foolishness there is out there. I was tempted after reading about all the people who seem to need help these days, to use that quote, “God helps those who help themselves,” but I then I remembered that there are too many of the hierarchy in SA who are busy helping themselves, to the detriment of mere mortals such as yourself. *hugs*

  2. Haven’t seen any updates here in a bit, but glad to see you’re still around. Hope things are better. 🙂

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