I’ve been unsettled these last few days. Felt as if the world is steadily breaking down around me. Fact it, this is happening, the demise of the world, the demise of values and morals and manners. It’s becoming a free for all with staunch value supporters being scoffed at and the liberal givers feeling superior because they are the only good ones.
Be that as it may. They will do what they do until the end, and there’s not a single thing I can do about it. As long as I keep myself on my own little road, influencing where I can, I should be OK.
26 years ago I fell in love. Head over heels, arse over elbow, completely in love. I dreamed of him, sent him a letter every day, made huge Valentine’s cards. Because I was in love. Well, one thing lead to another and I eventually found myself filling up with child with no husband to show for it. Mom stepped in and the wedding took place. 10 years and 2 babies later, said marriage dissolved. Irreconcilable differences. I began a life on my own. A life spent at home and at work mostly. A life of want, of worries, of dealing with being thrown away like so many old shoes.
I managed. Screwed up, fixed it. Raised my kids, screwed up there too, hopefully fixed most of it. And I searched.
I looked for somebody that could show me that I’m not really as worthless as the ex thought I was. Looked for somebody that could show me how a good relationship should be. Looked for somebody that might like the person I’ve become, instead of liking the person they want me to be.
It has now been 16 years. 16 years of searching. Meeting a score of random men. Some good looking, some ugly. Some thin, some fat. Some with hair, some without. Old young, short, tall. Rich, poor – I ran the gauntlet. In 16 years I have managed to find one. One man that liked who I was instead of who he would have liked me to be. One man that saw me. One man that knew me inside and out. My dude. The Yank. The one man that gifted me with books. And time.
I thought I found another one in C, but, alas, I was mistaken.
And so we learn.
But in my 16 years of searching, I came across less good than bad. If I look back at some of the shit I got up to in the name of the search, I cringe. If I remember the meeting places, The sheer number of men I actually met. And for all these years of searching, one thing has made itself clear.
The instant a man tells you that he’s not like all the other men, and that you must not generalize, you can be certain that he will be exactly like all the other men. You, as female, are there for only one thing. And that thing is not your sparkling personality or even your cooking abilities. You will be called upon when the itch needs scratching and only then. You will be treated as a second hand citizen, being patronized and looked down upon.
And each time that kind of behaviour rears its head, I become just a little bit more hardened. Just a tad more independant. Just a smidgeon less accepting of people’s faults. Just less and less inclined to put up with the constant crap being sent out by men that ostensibly want to know you. Until they have you and then it’s game over.
In summary. It’s been 16 years since the divorce. Maybe my soul has a bit of a weak link. Insisting on reminding me of one of the biggest failures of my life. Not because I was the only one, but because I was part of that failure. That seems to be the reason for my general unsettledness these last few days. It should pass – it always does. Until it does, I suppose I will be touchy and grouchy. And just. Not. In. The. Mood.
This post was just to clear the air inside my own head. Maybe I can start the process to getting over it – yet again.
Hope your days have been filled with more good than bad…