Twenty six years…

I’ve been unsettled these last few days. Felt as if the world is steadily breaking down around me. Fact it, this is happening, the demise of the world, the demise of values and morals and manners. It’s becoming a free for all with staunch value supporters being scoffed at and the liberal givers feeling superior because they are the only good ones.

Be that as it may. They will do what they do until the end, and there’s not a single thing I can do about it. As long as I keep myself on my own little road, influencing where I can, I should be OK.

Anyhow.

26 years ago I fell in love. Head over heels, arse over elbow, completely in love. I dreamed of him, sent him a letter every day, made huge Valentine’s cards. Because I was in love. Well, one thing lead to another and I eventually found myself filling up with child with no husband to show for it. Mom stepped in and the wedding took place. 10 years and 2 babies later, said marriage dissolved. Irreconcilable differences. I began a life on my own. A life spent at home and at work mostly. A life of want, of worries, of dealing with being thrown away like so many old shoes.

I managed. Screwed up, fixed it. Raised my kids, screwed up there too, hopefully fixed most of it. And I searched.

I looked for somebody that could show me that I’m not really as worthless as the ex thought I was. Looked for somebody that could show me how a good relationship should be. Looked for somebody that might like the person I’ve become, instead of liking the person they want me to be.

It has now been 16 years. 16 years of searching. Meeting a score of random men. Some good looking, some ugly. Some thin, some fat. Some with hair, some without. Old young, short, tall. Rich, poor – I ran the gauntlet. In 16 years I have managed to find one. One man that liked who I was instead of who he would have liked me to be. One man that saw me. One man that knew me inside and out. My dude. The Yank. The one man that gifted me with books. And time.

I thought I found another one in C, but, alas, I was mistaken.

And so we learn.

But in my 16 years of searching, I came across less good than bad. If I look back at some of the shit I got up to in the name of the search, I cringe. If I remember the meeting places, The sheer number of men I actually met. And for all these years of searching, one thing has made itself clear.

The instant a man tells you that he’s not like all the other men, and that you must not generalize, you can be certain that he will be exactly like all the other men. You, as female, are there for only one thing. And that thing is not your sparkling personality or even your cooking abilities. You will be called upon when the itch needs scratching and only then. You will be treated as a second hand citizen, being patronized and looked down upon.

And each time that kind of behaviour rears its head, I become just a little bit more hardened. Just a tad more independant. Just a smidgeon less accepting of people’s faults. Just less and less inclined to put up with the constant crap being sent out by men that ostensibly want to know you. Until they have you and then it’s game over.

In summary. It’s been 16 years since the divorce. Maybe my soul has a bit of a weak link. Insisting on reminding me of one of the biggest failures of my life. Not because I was the only one, but because I was part of that failure. That seems to be the reason for my general unsettledness these last few days. It should pass – it always does. Until it does, I suppose I will be touchy and grouchy. And just. Not. In. The. Mood.

This post was just to clear the air inside my own head. Maybe I can start the process to getting over it – yet again.

Hope your days have been filled with more good than bad…

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17 comments on “Twenty six years…

  1. He, he, klink amper lekker deurmekaar maar ‘n goeie punt of meer word gemaak. Yea, I am just like all other men except a few differences – I am married, far to old and don’t interfere when I clean the kitchen as I will kick your arse and the wife can do the vegies/salad in the kitchen but the braai is my territory. πŸ˜‰

    • Ag Herman – jy weet mos al hoe ek operate. Jy en vroulief het nou al baie jare saamgewerk en nou is julle ‘n span. Ek, daarenteen – ag wat. Dit sal mos maar ook verby gaan een of ander tyd πŸ˜‰

    • That may be true Sarah, but, if all I’m going to be is an itch scratcher, I’ll thankfully decline. I will no longer allow myself to be treated as less than a person. I’m much better off on my own in that case – as I saw just now – silence is better than bullshit. And peaceful solitude is always preferable to feeling like a cat on a hot tin roof!

  2. There’s nothing wrong with your soul. The connections of men and women is a chemical mystery, an enigma. For that matter, most relationships are. About the unsettled feeling, I wish there were something I could do or say. Meantime, sending you love and a big cyber hug. Wishing you peace, joy, and good health this coming holiday season and all year long. ❀

    • Thank for the love and the cyber hug P. I’m mostly over the unsettledness, but it was absolutely horrible during! Once I figured out the cause, I could deal with it, but it was not good, being reminded of something that caused me so much pain for so long.
      Thankfully, life goes on, and , as each milestone passes, I get closer to contentment.
      Thank for reading and commenting – I know I’m not as present as I should be, but I do try and get there every so often.
      xxx

  3. I’m sorry to hear life is a cesspool. I more glad than ever I decided to stop the world and jump off. I’ve been happy for the past thirty years. I can do what I want, when I want and don’t need to schedule around anyone else but me. Of course, that’s my world. Still have fingers crossed for you. ❀ ❀ ❀

    • Maybe I’ve been indoctrinated by society Tess. Maybe I just want to know what it can be like. Maybe I should just hold on to the bit I did have and stop bothering with all the other things.
      And I can’t even say that I really need to have somebody, I do quite well on my own, so I don’t even know why I really bother. Maybe it’s boredom!

    • Thanks for the hugs AD – I was thinking, maybe he’s still in school, my soulmate πŸ˜‰
      This whole thing is becoming quite Monty Pythonish – very silly and needlessly sad.
      I should just be thankful for what I do have and not bother with all the other things that I can very well do without πŸ™‚
      Thanks for the hugs…

    • Ruth, I always hope. Every time I meet somebody new or start a new conversation,. I hope. Maybe this is it!! But it never is, and it’s starting to get me down. Better I look after myself and keep my head high than be pasted to the floor every time some random man reckons I’m not good enough. And it’s never as if they’re worth the effort in any case, but one tries not to judge.
      Oh well. Life goes on. And you never know what’s around the next corner πŸ˜‰

  4. Ohhh this socks, I think we all guys have said we are different from the exes and of course we are. We are all different and I wish to God that I’m different to my gfs exes since they were ass holes and should have been electrochoked in their scrotums and as guy not something I even want consider,am holding on to my balls at the moment while cringing πŸ˜‰ but there is someone out there for u, believe me but sometimes you have to dig through a lot of muck before getting there. Big kisses to yr search for that special one who truly makes u feel like the princess you are.

    • If only R. I’ve waded through much muck – don’t think I’m inclined to do it any longer. I can’t even quantify what’s wrong. Am I just too demanding? Too independant? Tongue too sharp? Are dudes really all arseholes? I can’t imagine that to be true, so I’m going for externals. Society has made it so people don’t have to commit anymore. They don’t have to stick to any one person. Have to follow your happiness, don’t you? And if this one stops making you happy, you move on to the next one. But that’s easier if there was no emotions involved. So, let’s just screw them and move on – easier than to have to split the dogs and the cd collection…

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