And how different they are

Posted something on FB today. From a website called I’m fed up with your lies and cheating. Something to the effect of when somebody cheats on you, it was their choice. They chose to lie and hurt you. It’s not your fault.

When you look at it superficially, it is true. I was in one of those relationships. Where lies were told regularly, and cheating became the order of the day. That’s neither here nor there. The relationship has been over for many years, and I’ve not experienced a cheating man since. Mainly because they don’t stay around long enough to cheat. And I’ve not been bothered about it all that much. If you’re going to cheat, you’re going to cheat. I can’t stop that from happening, and I can certainly not change it. What I can change though is my behaviour towards it which would be to make sure that I don’t really care all that much. Not right, I know, but it’s worked for me.

Anyhow. Back to the post. One of my regular readers, both here and on FB commented on the post. That if your needs are not being satisfied in the current relationship, the search for love continues. Which is fine. Let it continue. The search I mean. It would be preferable though, to let go of the one not meeting your needs while you look for the one that does.

I’m the last person that will insist two people stay together because it’s less hassle than forging ahead with something new, or on their own. I’m the first person to advise a split if the complaining is more than  the joys.

And there-in lies the problem. People cheat. Granted, more men than women, but both sexes cheat. Why? End the relationship. Go find somebody new. OR just never have relationships, just have loose little dalliances.

But no. We want our cake and we want to eat it too. We want the comfortable back door of an existing relationship, buffering us against the storms most single people have to ford. We want the excitement of a first kiss, a first glance, a first touch, but when the firsts are all over, we want to be safe in the knowledge that we won’t have to face dark empty days ahead. We want the comforts of home. Where things are maybe not as exciting, but they are known.

If you look to the post again, and you dig deeper, you come across a massive can of worms. In some cases, you can change enough to meet the person’s needs, without losing yourself in the process. In some cases, should the partners actually have some emotions invested in the relationship, they may talk about it, find a golden midway option, make a compromise, go for counselling. If emotions are invested. In most other cases though, you change. You lose yourself. You become a different person. And you can still not meet their needs. Yet they never leave. They go for the their dalliances, keeping you on hold, and when they tire of the excitement, they come back home. And they will do this again and again, until you stop it. They never will. You have to stop the cycle and make yourself realise that it’s never going to be different.

As I said. I’ve been there. I was the one to stop the circle. I was the one that said no more. But not many other people are able to make that decision. By the time you get close to it, you’re so completely floored that you can’t see a way out. You can’t see a different life than the one you have. You can’t see yourself anymore. And it’s a long hard struggle to get that back again.

To end with. If you’re unhappy enough with  your current partner to start looking around – do both of you a favour and can the one before you start the other one. You’re only perpetuating heartache and sadness and one day, one day it will be repaid. In spades. And you won’t like it all that much.

If you can’t or won’t can it, just don’t screw around! You can sort out anything if you really want to. It boils down to three choices. You accept it, you change it or you move on. Pick one and stick to it.

As for myself, currently, I’m trying to get through a very long Friday afternoon hoping I’ll stay awake. I’m alone in the office – everybody else is busy with training, it’s oppressively hot, very quiet. And I’m wondering if I want to do the NANoWriMo again – starting tomorrow…

I’ll see how I feel about it when I open my eyes tomorrow. In the meantime, long days and pleasant nights…


6 comments on “Perspectives…

  1. By the time you read this, you’ll be through that long Friday afternoon and I’ll be just arising to mine. What you wrote is so well done, so complicated, and … it’s sure as hell easier said than done. Glad to have you back in cyberville. Peaceful weekend. ❤

  2. Intimate relationships such as marriage are complex matters.

    When we take compatibility related issues into account such as:
    personality differences (MBTI and Socionics, Birth Order, etc) and
    needs and desires and
    openness and
    spirituality and
    the degree in which both partners show the characteristics of their own and of the opposite sex, etc,etc,
    we encounter so many obstacles to long term intimacy that we often take the “easier” option of terminating the relationship.

    Whether it is really the best option remains a question, due to the fact that with each commitment we lose a bit of ourselves and leave behind a bit of ourselves and proceed with a load of issues because of the previous commitment.

    In my opinion this is because of the broken world in which we live (because of sin) and the cure is only to be found on spiritual level by learning to accept and forgive as we are accepted and forgiven by our Heavenly Father.

    Until we learned this we will keep repeating to make the same or similar mistakes.

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