Long ago…

…I had a rhythm.

Certain things would be done at certain times. I would spend hours reading things, thinking about things to write, thinking up comments to the things I read. I would not feel bad about the things I write, or about the time I spent reading what others have written. I spent hardly any time on FB.

These days, however, I find myself hiding. From the world at large. Just crawled into my warm, safe shell, without giving of myself to anybody that I might come across.

When I have a moment to myself, I think about things that’s past. Words that were spoken in truth that turned out to be lies. Memories made, all built on sand. Dreams dreamt, turning into ashes in a matter of minutes.

What it really boils down to though is that I’ve given away my peace of mind. Knowingly handed it into somebody else’s keeping, Somebody not up to the task. My own stupidity, I know. One should never hand over one’s peace of mind to any other human being. Even knowing this, I still did it.

Now, now I have to make the enormous effort of once again finding the kernel of peace still left within me. The little kernel that I will need to grow so I don’t have to lie awake at night, thinking about things I have no control over.

I am ever hopeful though. Things are not nearly as bad as they could have been. I live in abundance for the most part. I have use of all my faculties, all my bodily functions are still running smoothly. My little new car is the bee’s knees – still has the new car smell and even though it’s a huge expense, I feel that it was not a bad move at that.

What I keep coming back to though, the thing that overshadows everything good in my life, is that I was gullible enough to listen to lies. I was sufficiently desperate to hear the words and chose to negate what I knew was true – if somebody seems too good to be true, they invariably are. I so wanted to have a forever with somebody that I went against my own instincts and believed the crap I heard. I built my dreams, not on rock, but on the sand of a tidal beach. Soon to be washed away to nothing under the force of the waves of reality.

I live in that reality now. I live with the echoes of those words in my ears. The memories still hurt. Time might stop that from happening, maybe. The eternal sunshine of the spotless mind – would that I could come across a machine that will make my mind spotless. That will let the sun shine over the dark thoughts hiding in there. That will remove all traces from my thoughts of the one person that, like a snake in the grass, saw my weak spots, knew them, learned them and hit me where it will hurt the most. In my belief of my own worth. That broke my trust in even seemingly good human beings. That will cause me to think long and hard before I let another person into my fortress again.

It’s a vicious circle I’m afraid. You don’t want to be alone all the time, so you reach out to people, every time putting yourself out there. The more you give, the more you can get hurt. And that, I suppose, is life, not so? If you close yourself off from pain, you also close yourself off from joy. And I quite like my little joys. I will not live without them.

It will take me a while to find my equilibrium again. For me to feel that I’m not quite as useless as I was brought to believe. That I, as a person, am actually worth at least some effort. I will get there. With time, quite a bit of effort and maybe some chemicals – but eventually my mind, if not spotless, will at least be free from the constant badgering.

Until then, bear with me. I will get my rhythm back – it will just take time.

Long days and pleasant nights…

26 comments on “Long ago…

  1. You will get your groove back, remember you had the guts to take a chance, so it didnt work out, so what. You are still YOU! and you tried…so there. How many people are too scared to try?

  2. I know you are a little sad…however, this is such a wonderful piece of writing. I used to read you on Women24 back in the day and came across you by mistake now.
    I know you say that you built on sand instead of rock and it washed away, but do not forget that you enjoyed the feel of the sand between your toes once.

    • Thank you M ๐Ÿ˜‰ Hope you’ll continue reading now you’ve “found” me again ๐Ÿ™‚
      You’re right – I did enjoy the feel of the sand. It was not a bad experience – think that’s what makes it so much worse – it was not bad at all. Until it became the doldrums ;(

  3. You can’t win the lottery if you don’t buy a ticket. You need to take a chance once in a while. You did, but didn’t win the draw this time. Don’t forget to play again some time. ๐Ÿ™‚
    You’ll be back in stride soon. Look after YOU now.

  4. This is a very moving and candid piece of writing, and you express your thoughts and feelings so well. In hindsight, everything looks as clear as day, but at the time, emotions tend to take centre stage, and unfortunately some people take advantage of this. So sorry you’ve been hurt yet again. I was so happy for you. *hugs*

    • Thanks for the hugs AD.
      Hindsight is always 20/20 I suppose.
      At least I still have the ability to put my thoughts in words – hopefully it will help me make sense of things and be able to move on…

  5. Perhaps it was real/true when it happened. And then it changed. You were so over the moon and then things changed. How could it have been seen what would come, what would be. The human condition is a precarious thing and sometimes we get lucky, sometimes we even get lucky for the long run. It’s so hard to get back up from the hurt but I hope you do and bounce back completely with that big heart of yours open and I also hope you encounter the love that sparks and turns into a partnership to continue to fill your heart. Sending a big hug to you.

    • As for it being real / true when it was said P, I’m beginning to wonder about that. I went from the best thing ever to persona non grata in a matter of days. Which means it has been brewing and I just ignored it. Or it was not true to start off with. I don’t know how to deal with something like this. Maybe I just did not WANT to see what was going on.
      Because I hoped…
      I will probably bounce back from this, but each time it takes a bit longer, hurts a little more, make me trust a little less. Such is life I suppose…
      Thanks for the hug ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. That is so, so sad.
    I know that sometimes people tell the truth to one another, because it’s the truth of that moment, but then they change their minds and think the opposite, which then becomes the truth of that particular moment, and it’s only the retrospective viewing of how things were in the first place that makes it seem a lie. The male in question probably did mean those lovely things he said in the first place, but maybe scared himself off when the word “commitment” loomed big. I don’t know, as you’ve not said what went wrong.
    If you want a chat sometime, email or message me.

    • The truth of the moment – I understand that concept all too well Sarah. The thing with supposed love though, the truth you have in the beginning should be the truth you have all the time. I was probably to blame for what went wrong. Since I have this acerbic personality, and I generally don’t hold with being patronised all that well. What went wrong though, I can’t really say. It was a matter of days and it was over even though I felt something was wrong, it was never spoken about. Fool me. I took somebody at their word. Never thinking that most people do things between the lines where I generally operate only on the lines.
      Maybe it was all me. Even so, I’m not finding this all that easily overcome as I did the previous six million times!! It cut too close to the bone this time.
      I’ll continue hoping that I’m not all bad though ๐Ÿ™‚

  7. I was bursting to pour words of wisdom and comfort – only trouble is I seem to have mislaid the darn things. Let’s just hope the darn car doesn’t let you down – but that comes with a guarantee. What a pity partners don’t.

    • Very few things comes with a guarantee Col. Stuff, always, people – never. Chances will have to be taken – maybe, one day I’ll find something worth hanging on to…
      As for your words of wisdom – I completely understand – you need them for yourself at this point in time!

  8. Hey 68ghiatjie. Sorry I’ve been so quiet (and will probably be so quiet again, soon) Bin hiding in my own kind of shell, really sorry to hear about your heartbreak! They say there’s plenty of fish in the sea – but who would want a fish for a partner?

    Keep that chin up, and sing. It helps. & I don’t think anyone is judging you for not posting all the time! We do miss you though.

    • Hey G. The hiding thing – it’s needed sometimes. Hope your reasons are not dire…
      Heartbreak will happen, it’s part of life. It’s the aftermath that makes it so difficult, but we’ll continue.
      As for singing, you’re right – was sitting in the car this morning singing along to Aretha Franklin. Always puts a smile on the dial ๐Ÿ™‚
      And thanks for missing me!!

      • ๐Ÿ™‚ Yup it certainly does. No, my reason for hiding is luckily nothing that will land me in prison ๐Ÿ˜‰ though I wish the perpetrators, who broke into my home, stole my netbook and made off with half of my sanity and my work, could get some time on state B&B. But more so the Bs that tried stealing my car and stuffed it up so badly in the process, we’re still repairing, a month later. But well *sigh*…

      • South Africa. The suck heap. I watched a bit of news the other night – saw the malema being his usual buffoonic self. It’s going to get a lot worse I think. That’s why, every day, I take my laptop and all my drives to work with me. Can’t take the chance on the arseholes getting hold of the few memories I still have left!!!
        Strongs G. I know what that desecration feels like.

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