…I had a rhythm.
Certain things would be done at certain times. I would spend hours reading things, thinking about things to write, thinking up comments to the things I read. I would not feel bad about the things I write, or about the time I spent reading what others have written. I spent hardly any time on FB.
These days, however, I find myself hiding. From the world at large. Just crawled into my warm, safe shell, without giving of myself to anybody that I might come across.
When I have a moment to myself, I think about things that’s past. Words that were spoken in truth that turned out to be lies. Memories made, all built on sand. Dreams dreamt, turning into ashes in a matter of minutes.
What it really boils down to though is that I’ve given away my peace of mind. Knowingly handed it into somebody else’s keeping, Somebody not up to the task. My own stupidity, I know. One should never hand over one’s peace of mind to any other human being. Even knowing this, I still did it.
Now, now I have to make the enormous effort of once again finding the kernel of peace still left within me. The little kernel that I will need to grow so I don’t have to lie awake at night, thinking about things I have no control over.
I am ever hopeful though. Things are not nearly as bad as they could have been. I live in abundance for the most part. I have use of all my faculties, all my bodily functions are still running smoothly. My little new car is the bee’s knees – still has the new car smell and even though it’s a huge expense, I feel that it was not a bad move at that.
What I keep coming back to though, the thing that overshadows everything good in my life, is that I was gullible enough to listen to lies. I was sufficiently desperate to hear the words and chose to negate what I knew was true – if somebody seems too good to be true, they invariably are. I so wanted to have a forever with somebody that I went against my own instincts and believed the crap I heard. I built my dreams, not on rock, but on the sand of a tidal beach. Soon to be washed away to nothing under the force of the waves of reality.
I live in that reality now. I live with the echoes of those words in my ears. The memories still hurt. Time might stop that from happening, maybe. The eternal sunshine of the spotless mind – would that I could come across a machine that will make my mind spotless. That will let the sun shine over the dark thoughts hiding in there. That will remove all traces from my thoughts of the one person that, like a snake in the grass, saw my weak spots, knew them, learned them and hit me where it will hurt the most. In my belief of my own worth. That broke my trust in even seemingly good human beings. That will cause me to think long and hard before I let another person into my fortress again.
It’s a vicious circle I’m afraid. You don’t want to be alone all the time, so you reach out to people, every time putting yourself out there. The more you give, the more you can get hurt. And that, I suppose, is life, not so? If you close yourself off from pain, you also close yourself off from joy. And I quite like my little joys. I will not live without them.
It will take me a while to find my equilibrium again. For me to feel that I’m not quite as useless as I was brought to believe. That I, as a person, am actually worth at least some effort. I will get there. With time, quite a bit of effort and maybe some chemicals – but eventually my mind, if not spotless, will at least be free from the constant badgering.
Until then, bear with me. I will get my rhythm back – it will just take time.
Long days and pleasant nights…