And so it begins…

…the dealing.

Waking up in the morning with thick eyes, scratchy like sandpaper, swollen from too many waking hours and way too many tears.

Moments of inner self explorations. trying to find some kind of magic switch that will change you from a loser to somebody worth knowing. Even while knowing that such a switch does not exist, you still search for it. There must be a way to change who you are into somebody that other people actually like being close to, not so?

Hours of self pity. Weeks of blustering, posing as a fully functioning human being when it feels as if you should really be, if not quite dead, then at least in bed covered with puss-filled sores, wracked with pain. Months of self doubt. Recriminations against yourself. Questions with no answers.

Losing somebody you were close to are in many ways like that person dying. Only difference is – they continue to live and breathe, to move on to better and easier pastures, leaving you behind with your self doubt and tears and recriminations. You grieve for them, all the time knowing they’re still out there. That you just were not good enough. or that they were just not that into you.

It’s an all round huge sucky ass thing to have to go through. One that I’ve had to deal with one too many times.

Since really. As I’ve mentioned before a few million times. I. AM. BROKEN. No man on earth can stand me in their company for longer than it takes to dry off a cup. It’s their prerogative entirely, can’t blame them for not wanting such a prickly person. Therefore, I have to really realise after this fiasco, that really. Ghia, you’re much better off alone.

budda

Even this I’ve told myself many times before. Just don’t.

Don’t think there’s a person out there that will want you as you really are.

Don’t think you can ever build any kind of future with the male of the species.

Don’t think there’s a man out there that can put up with your particular brand of humanity.

Don’t think you can ever be ableΒ to keep somebody with you.

Just don’t.

 

Do, however,

Realise that you are who you are. That you are the sum total of your experiences. And you don’t have to apologise for that.

Do know that there will be better days.

Do know that this too shall pass.

Do know that even if all the men in the world reject you, you can still hold your head high. Because they might not like the truth as you point it out to them.

Do know that being happy and OK with yourself means quite a bit more than having a tail wagging you.

Do know that you’re never really alone. You always have Somebody watching over you, helping you through the dark times as well as helping you to the lighter times.

And now, the only song that really fits this post…

On a different note, I started a new project. Embroidering a seat cover for my one old chair. It’s an ambitious thing I”m contemplating. Going to take me months at the very least, but it will be gorgeous when done. If I can see it that is. My middle aged eyes don’t want to see so well anymore and I’m working on black embroidery cloth. I’m thinking I should get one of those magnifying glasses with the lamp attached to it ;-). I promised myself two hours each evening working on this – so I can at least spend some time online with people that may never have known me in the flesh so to speak, but my cyber personality does not fill them with aversion. I hope!

Anyhow.

May your days be long upon the earth, and may there be water if God wills it…

 

 

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22 comments on “And so it begins…

    • I’m wondering if I should not conform for once H! Might actually have a relationship then!
      But you’re right. One should not negate oneself – ever.

  1. Why does it have to be something wrong with you? There can be many reasons for the break up of a relationship – & almost always there is some fault on both sides. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off & go out there with your shoulders back & your head held high – you are worth it! Take the time you need to grieve – not the relationship (because it was new, so there aren’t bags of memories) – grieve instead “losing what it could have been.” And in essence, that is what you are grieving. You recognized something that could be good,but it turned out to be “not quite there.”

  2. That self-assurance needs to go deeper down to make you the truly independent person you need to be. You are still allowing a fragility which impedes that. Ironically, such total independence often does lead to ‘the real thing’.

    • It does Col. Not because I want to catch a man anymore, but because I need it for myself.
      I’ve been alone for so long though – even when I was married i was still alone – would be so nice to have somebody to look after me for a change!!

  3. J, dear heart, Elby, That Cat! has taken to empathy and he is crying a butt load of wails on your behalf – truth, he’s crooning and crying to the moon for you… and prepared to climb the blinds, while chasing – flashing across the room in protest at your heart break. All of which he picks up from what I feel as I read your words. Peace, be still, and know He is with you, J. Each time, the man gets better, so the next one ought to be something else again! Sigh, it’s the only way I made it to mine.

    • I have to admit P, the way I feel now, I don’t think there will be yet another man, Never say never, but the general idea now is to just find my peace and retreat as much as I can. One never does know though…
      As for That Cat, Elby, funny how they know what’s going on. My son’s infernal black cat is everywhere I am. Greets me at the car in the evening, lies curled up on my chest or in the crook of my arm while I’m reading in bed, even sometimes comes and herds me to bed when I’m up too late for his tastes – but he knows I need the warmth and the closeness and the purring – it helps to sooth my heart a bit.
      Give the man Elby a special rub from me – he deserves it for being such an attuned animal πŸ™‚

  4. sometimes life just kicks us in the teeth, it hurts and then you find the strength to get up and carry on. Holding thumbs you are on the mend πŸ™‚

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