Waking up in the morning with thick eyes, scratchy like sandpaper, swollen from too many waking hours and way too many tears.
Moments of inner self explorations. trying to find some kind of magic switch that will change you from a loser to somebody worth knowing. Even while knowing that such a switch does not exist, you still search for it. There must be a way to change who you are into somebody that other people actually like being close to, not so?
Hours of self pity. Weeks of blustering, posing as a fully functioning human being when it feels as if you should really be, if not quite dead, then at least in bed covered with puss-filled sores, wracked with pain. Months of self doubt. Recriminations against yourself. Questions with no answers.
Losing somebody you were close to are in many ways like that person dying. Only difference is – they continue to live and breathe, to move on to better and easier pastures, leaving you behind with your self doubt and tears and recriminations. You grieve for them, all the time knowing they’re still out there. That you just were not good enough. or that they were just not that into you.
It’s an all round huge sucky ass thing to have to go through. One that I’ve had to deal with one too many times.
Since really. As I’ve mentioned before a few million times. I. AM. BROKEN. No man on earth can stand me in their company for longer than it takes to dry off a cup. It’s their prerogative entirely, can’t blame them for not wanting such a prickly person. Therefore, I have to really realise after this fiasco, that really. Ghia, you’re much better off alone.
Even this I’ve told myself many times before. Just don’t.
Don’t think there’s a person out there that will want you as you really are.
Don’t think you can ever build any kind of future with the male of the species.
Don’t think there’s a man out there that can put up with your particular brand of humanity.
Don’t think you can ever be able to keep somebody with you.
Realise that you are who you are. That you are the sum total of your experiences. And you don’t have to apologise for that.
Do know that there will be better days.
Do know that this too shall pass.
Do know that even if all the men in the world reject you, you can still hold your head high. Because they might not like the truth as you point it out to them.
Do know that being happy and OK with yourself means quite a bit more than having a tail wagging you.
Do know that you’re never really alone. You always have Somebody watching over you, helping you through the dark times as well as helping you to the lighter times.
And now, the only song that really fits this post…
On a different note, I started a new project. Embroidering a seat cover for my one old chair. It’s an ambitious thing I”m contemplating. Going to take me months at the very least, but it will be gorgeous when done. If I can see it that is. My middle aged eyes don’t want to see so well anymore and I’m working on black embroidery cloth. I’m thinking I should get one of those magnifying glasses with the lamp attached to it ;-). I promised myself two hours each evening working on this – so I can at least spend some time online with people that may never have known me in the flesh so to speak, but my cyber personality does not fill them with aversion. I hope!
May your days be long upon the earth, and may there be water if God wills it…