Sometimes they irk me.
Have you ever watched a TV show and heard the actors saying something and thought to yourself. Dude. Really. It’s a demon. You will probably end up dead before you could kill it. Or when the one tells the other – I will not allow you to destroy what we have together. I will fight for you. And you think to yourself. Fight? For what exactly?
And that is what i need to write about.
This whole fighting for something. I can live with fighting for a cause. Like cruelty to animals. Child abuse. E toll. Stupid politicians. When you have such a fight you can actually do something. You can picket. You can send out e mails, sign petitions, host FB pages – all physical things you can do to get the word out there and fight for your chosen course of action.
When you get to emotional fighting though, things gets a bit hairy to coin a phrase.
I remember, way back when. My youngest was 2 weeks old. The then husband came to visit and proceeded to tell me that he’s found somebody else. Such an upstanding character, but hey. We’re all just humans, along for the free ride around the sun every year. But I digress. 2 week old infant and your husband tells you he does not want you anymore. I was all of 24, very young and still very much under the impression of my invincibility – as are most young folks I suppose. I vowed to fight for him. And I did. I pulled out all the stops. Did anything and everything I could think of to get this man that I thought belonged to me, to come back to me. Sure, he left the other chick. Eventually. He was weak, so he kept us both going for a while. Why? Suppose because he could. Both females allowed him. And I clearly thought that that was part of the good fight I was fighting.
What happened? 4 years down the line, he scarpered in any case. Came back again. Scarpered again. This went on for a good 6 years and then it was the end.
This morning I was thinking about fighting for a loved one. Not a loved one you have to do CPR on to keep alive, but a loved one that does not want you anymore. How do you fight for a person that does not want you anymore? Why even bother fighting for such a person? You know how it’s going to end. And it’s going to end long after you would have had to deal with the same situations over and over again. Believe me, I know. From dire experience.
But therein lies the rub. When you have a loved one in your life, should it not be in the good times as well as the bad? Should you not be prepared to deal with everything that comes your way, knowing that all will be well again? Yes. You should. You should be able to stand tall in the knowledge that the love is worth it. That the person is worth it. That the relationship is worth it. Worth holding on to, worth fighting for. If, of course, you have a course of action to follow regarding the fighting. Alas, for that to happen, you must have a faint glimmer of a plan 🙂
And then you realise that you are only just human. Like everybody else. And, instead of always being the one doing the fighting, maybe it would be nice for the other party to do some fighting to keep you in their lives. That, instead of standing back all the time, allowing the other person their space, you maybe want the same courtesy extended to you. That, instead of being made to feel less than you are, not good enough, not worthy enough, it would be so absolutely wonderful to be counted as an actual being of worth. Especially when the person doing the negating has been your staunchest champion in the past. How to go from being the first thought the the very last thought in seconds – not an easy thing to handle I can assure you!
The crux of the matter would probably be – when to stand and fight and when to admit defeat even before you begin planning your strategy. The unknown is a scary thing. Losing somebody you care for is quite a debilitating happening. But both have to be faced if you are ever going to be whole again.
In the case of me and C, well. The sulk is continuing. I still have no idea if it was me, or if it was externals. Noncommittal communications are being exchanged. No solutions, no discussions, no answers. Either way, I can’t do anything to change the general situation. I can only control how I feel at any given time. What makes it worse is the uncertainty. Do I go? Do I stay? Do I take the chance that something like this can happen again? Realistically speaking, it probably will. Can I handle it calmly when it does happen again? Do I want to walk on eggshells the whole time? Do I want to always be worried about doing the right thing, saying the right thing, caring the right way, looking the right way – all done so the other person won’t leave you alone again. We do these things. It’s human. You try and make it as good for the other person to be with you as you possibly can.
I don’t deserve more than any other human being on this earth. I’m not worth more than any other human being on this earth. I am however a human being. I am quite as entitled to courtesy and good manners as the next person. In this instance, I am even more entitled to some kind of explanation – at the very least to put my conscience at ease, or to make me sit up and think. So many people have already asked me what I said to piss him off. Because, hey,let’s face it, that’s what I do. I piss people off. On a regular basis. People that don’t know me that is. You would expect some kind of fortitude from people that does know me, but apparently not so much. I have however, not started on a lie. I started as I was planning to continue. With me, and only me. Acceptance was guaranteed. Until the proviso’s entered the equation. Proviso’s I was never informed about.
All this is moot I suppose. This is not the kind of thing you can sort out over the phone, or should sort out over the phone. It’s not the kind of thing you rush off. I am still no nearer to a solution to what’s going on. Maybe I will never have that solution. What I do know is that I am not going to let it screw me over more than it already has. I’m not some simpering idiot (an embarrassed idiot, but not a simpering one!) that can’t face life without a man at her side~ For heaven’s sake! I’m a grown woman!!
On that note, I’m leaving. Almost time to go home. Yay!!! Where solitude awaits. And coffee and tunes and projects. Life could be better. But it could always get worse – not something to forget, that last bit.
Wishing you all a good journey 🙂