Too long…

…it’s been.

I’m going to have to get back in the habit of getting online as soon as I get home, and then spend some time on the blogs. Both mine and everybody else’s.

So. As we all know, things change. They end. They go through phases, rocky or smooth. But nothing ever stays the same. Maybe they do with dogs and cats, but never with humans. Especially not with the male and the female of the species.

Males and females. Both governed by hormones. Both deal with things in a completely different fashion. Women will speak about the problem. Or, if they have nobody to speak to, they might blog about it, as I am doing. But they will, in most cases, try and get to the bottom of the problem. Me, I generally look at the problem, and then try and find solutions for them. If I do, fine, problem solved. If I don’t, then I do try not to give it any more thought thank it already got. No use farting in a thunderstorm and if you’ve tried what you can, no use worrying over it more than you have to – just makes you sick and screws u everything else.

Men on the other hand, they retreat. To their caves. That may or may not be a physical place. They shut you out of their lives. They don’t make their problems yours, they internalise. Well, the specific person I’m dealing with does. The current issue – there are external causes for the internalisasion, but the cold shoulder started before then. Which brings me to thinking that I have done something. And apparently no matter how many time a person proclaims to accept you the way you are, proviso’s are always attached thereto. Which is a very saddening thing really.

Instead of freezing me out, instead of letting me wonder what the hell is going on, tell me. Speak to me. I can’t read minds. I can’t begin to solve your external problems. I can’t solve your internal problems either. I can’t change the way you think, I never expected to do that, nor will I ever begin wanting that. The only thing I can change would be myself. And that only to a degree. Β I am, alas, the same person I was four months ago. I have not changed. If you don’t like who I am four months down the line, you need to tell me. If I said something that irked you, you need to tell me. If I did something, you need to tell me. If it has nothing to do with me, you need to tell me.

So simple really. Communication is key. Because hey. I’ve been alone long enough to be quite allright like that going forward. As has C. Neither one of us will fold because there’s not a significant other to take up the slack. But that seems kind of stupid when you look at it like that. Surely, when you find somebody that’s worth knowing, you don’t want them to go away all that easily? Surely you don’t want to cause a rift so wide that it can’t be crossed? Is the whole purpose of having a significant other not to help you through your dark days? Is that person’s job not to be there to try and support you? Alas. That person can only do so if you allow them to.

What I’m talking of here, is not a new phenomenon. It has been talked about and researched, and explained ad infinitum. By people much better qualified than I am. It exists, it is real, and it is hurting people needlessly. It is causing strife on a daily basis, strife that can sink even the strongest relationship, let alone something new and still very vulnerable.

I have to say, I’m more angry than sad. I can’t do anything to fix the problem. I can’t do anything to change the problem. I’m not even being given a chance to do something about the problem. I am expected to just sit back and wait like a good little woman and let the man sort out his own shit. Thing is, once the man has managed to sort out his shit, leaving me out of it, I would have dealt with my own feelings of worthlessness, and built a bit of a wall around myself. So, the next time this happens, it affects me less, but makes the wall a little higher. Eventually, when this kind of thing happens, you just don’t even bother trying to get upset about it, or trying to solve it, or even trying to get the other person to speak to you. And why on earth would anybody live like that?

An untenable situation to say the least. I can only imagine a harping woman is not a nice thing to have in your ears when you’re dealing with major shit. Unfortunately, the woman is harping because she needs to know where she stands. She needs to know that you still have feelings for her. She needs to know that what you’re going through at this point in time will not change the way you feel about her. The harping woman is scared of losing the one person that makes a difference in her life. That’s why she harps. And that’s why you owe it to her to set her mind at ease either way, Be it yay or nay, she deserves to know. And you, sir, are the only one that can alleviate that uncertainty.

And no. Only a specific kind of female will wait patiently while you sort out your own shit. I have never been that kind of female, and I’m not planning on changing into one any time soon either. And regardless of what kind of female you chose to attach yourself to, she deserves better than to watch you retreat to your cave while she’s banging on the doors to let her in, being ignored the whole while.

Such a difficult thing, relationships. Especially as the newness wears off and the respective partners gets accustomed to the other person. I’m not falling into that trap – life is way too fragile to take for granted, and relationships even more so. I know what I had. I know what I have. And I know to be grateful for it. But I will not stand being left in the cold at a critical time.

Anyhow. Bluster has been blustered. Now life can maybe continue as it should. Or as the wheel of life wills it.

Hope your day is as good as you can make it πŸ™‚

May your days be long upon the earth…

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22 comments on “Too long…

  1. I wish I could say that as a man I’m different but I do the same thing and hate myself for it, I’m trying to change and not just put all the problems in my own head and sort it out but to let my dear girl know about it because when it’s out, it’s easier to sort out as well instead of just one, you are two to deal with the issue. But it’s a hard process to change ones mind and the way I always dealt with stuff. But we try… we try…

    • I suppose we’re all just trying to make it from one day to the next Sir. Difficult at the best of times, even more so when you’re struggling with the unknown.
      And yes, we do try πŸ™‚

  2. Ghia, my two cents – and reading above not your style – my best advice is to let him have his space and not harp on about it – the more you bang on that door, the bigger the retreat and the more the wheel turns away from you.
    Men are simple creatures, they need to come to terms with things in their own way and having someone constantly chipping away only creates disharmony and discontent.
    If you leave him be and at the end of the day he moves on, then sadly, it was meant to be. Rather have fond memories of your time together than one of irritation. However, if you leave him be, let him know you haven’t changed and your expectations, he may just come back to the safe sanctuary he remembers.
    And
    Never ever change essentially who you are just to keep the peace and placate another human being – you aren’t being true to yourself and you aren’t being true to them.

    Walk proud, you are who you are and embrace life’s experiences – take every day and experience as a gift and learn from them for tomorrow.

    I sincerely hope it all works out …

    (PS – glad to see you back πŸ™‚ … )

    • absolutely true P. I’m just so uncertain – if it was something I said or did, I’d like to know so I don’t do it again, Even so, I probably will – I seem to piss people off more often than not!!
      But you’re right – I’ve left him alone to do what he needs to do. Alas, I’m still being ignored like the proverbial stop street, but if that’s where he wants to go to, i can’t very well stop it.
      What needs to happen will – all i can really do is accept where the wheel turns me.
      Good to be back – I missed you guys!!

  3. Sigh. I once lived with a guy who used the silent treatment when he had a problem. On one hand I agree to give a guy space to sort himself out but on the other, I agree with you, Ghia, one cannot walk on eggs and wait. Being shut out does damage. Hopefully, he will see that and can negotiate a middle road.

    Nice to see you back. ❀ ~(*_*)~~

    • Tess, it’s good to see you back! How was the trip?
      As for the guy thing – I invariably have to walk on eggs when there are people around me. Either that or I have to keep silent all the time. People take offense at almost everything that comes out of my mouth. That’s why C was so welcomed. Alas, seems that even he could not stand it after a while.
      Time, I’ll give him time. He can have as much as he likes. i just wish i knew what I’m up against!!
      What needs to happen will…

      • You both have been alone a considerable time and once the newness of a new love levels off, old habits creep out. I’m sure time is what you need and it’s good you are upfront, which I believe is the best way to be. Down the road, way down the road, no-one can say you misrepresented yourself. Fingers crossed, Ghia. ❀

  4. I think you hit the nail on the two hardest things to maintain in any relationship: acceptance and communication. “We” humans, men and women, weren’t made as a great fit in those two categories. It’s so frustrating when all it takes to get along, to love, is so simple, yet seems so impossibly out of reach at time. Good to see you back, my friend. ❀

    • Very difficult P. Very difficult. i can’t fix it on my own, so I’ll just sit on the side lines and wait until we can speak like adults. If that day never comes, well, then I’ll know, won’t I?
      It’s good to be back my friend! I missed you guys!!

  5. That would be cool we all missed you
    I lost my internet for a while
    But it’s back on now
    Everything’s looking brighter
    Have a nice evening
    β•”β•—
    ║║╔═╦╦╦═╗*. . *
    β•‘β•šβ•£β•‘β•‘β•‘β•‘β•©β•£* Danielβ€’
    β•šβ•β•©β•β•©β•β•©β•β•.*.**´¨`*β€’

    • thanks for missing me D πŸ˜‰
      Life happens, no matter what we think about it – only way to go is forwatd, all the time πŸ™‚

  6. Perhaps build your own cave and disappear into it, but make sure to stock up with some decent books, some woodworking machinery, some Bruce Willis films on DVD, and a cake dispenser machine.

    • Bruce Willis AND Jason Statham Sarah πŸ˜‰
      I am retreating into my cave – lots of tunes, reading the Wheel of Time series now, recipe for homemade condensed milk, lots of long warm baths to keep the chill away. Self medication might just work it’s magic sometime or other I hope!

  7. J, damn it, I did not want to read this. I shot to the bottom so I could brace myself as I couldn’t stand the suspense. I am glad you’re hanging tough and fighting for him – communicating with him via blog, he’ll read it. As someone said, “Men are such poo-poo heads!” At least, with the Wheel of Time (WOT), you’ve got plenty of books to occupy you. Love you, Huntie

    • I’m broken P. My heart hurts, my head hurts, my psyche is bruised – it’s going to take me while to get through this one. Not like all the others. Hope was involved and when that crumbles it’s worse than anything else could ever be.

  8. Now you have seen this side of this person, you need to make a choice – is this something you can put up with? Every time something goes wrong in your relationship with him, will you be able to stand/sit/while by while he retreats to his cave? I would hope not. You need to tell him how this makes you feel & if he doesn’t want to change then move on. You will only have wasted 4 months of the precious time you have on this earth coping with something that didn’t fit you – instead of 4 years/14 years/40 years. Because if this is bothering you this much now when things are new & still somewhat in the honeymoon stage, it will bother you tomorrow & the day after that too.

    • Now that it’s over B, I’ve been thinking about how it was. There are many incongruities, things that makes no sense in the aftermath, so i’m thinking there’s probably more reasons than just me being me.I told him he needs to stop running – don’t suppose he ever will, and I cold have handled even that, had he spoken to me before the problem became insurmountable. All moot now, but I do feel the loss very keenly.

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