Fear.

Something that I live with every day.

Something most South Africans live with for most of their lives.

Fear of the great unwashed taking and pillaging and burning what they find. To that end I have armed myself with things I can easily handle. A telescopic baton. A stun gun. a small, very sharp knife -gifted to me by C – that I christened with my own blood – albeit unwittingly :-). But really. We’re all mostly afraid. You don’t know from one day to the next when you will surprise robbers in your house. When somebody will side-swipe you at the traffic light. When some random arse will try and hi-jack your car, or steal your purse as you walk along.

At the moment, I am very apprehensive of what’s going to happen at work when I get there tomorrow. This whole theft thing is just going to snow ball into a massive shit-storm. Where life carried on on a relatively even keel at work, it’s now going to be churned and churned until everybody is so tense you could cut it with a knife. Trust broken is very difficult to restore, and, unfortunately, we’re the ones that’s left. So we will bear the brunt of that broken trust. I don’t think it will be fun and games at work tomorrow.

To top it off, some of the traffic lights on the way to work is not working. So I’ll have to leave for work tomorrow no later than 7 am. Not so much fun, but hey.

All that being said, let me gush once more. What a man I have!! We went to Harties today. Spent quite some time at Chameleon village – filled with African curio’s and restaurants and things. Amongst others, a book shop. With some curious books in it. I got a whole bag of books for a whole R52. Not a single new one, all dated from a time when books were held much more sacred than they are today. People have written their names in – because, back in the 50’s, books were precious. For some people they still are, but I think the world don’t hold books in as high regard as they really should. Kids that have never enjoyed the musty smell of a second hand bookshop are missing so much.

Anyway. Back to my gush. When I went into the shop, what did C do? Pulled me away and told me not to get any books because I have no more space? Nope. He went with me. Browsed with me. And carried the bag the whole time.

Last weekend, when I was at his house, my stupid dog parked off on my white duvet cover. Making one spot very much tan coloured. It was horrible. What did C do? Did he leave me to struggle with the stain on my own? Nope, he did not. He helped me scrub and scrub and scrub until we got the stain almost gone, and then he helped me with the washing.

The knife that I christened with my blood. We were looking for something to cut biltong with in the car. So, there we were, looking at a whole bunch of different knifes, and eventually decided on this particular one. A skinning knife. Fits my hand perfectly, sharp blade. And it works like a charm for cutting biltong with 😉 My first knife, and I will keep it with me always – a person’s attitude changes rapidly when he’s holding his guts in his hands. So, even though I don’t own a fire arm of any kind, I am not completely defenseless, and the populace that might want to remove me from the equation will know about that. Thanks to my Babe.

Got a bag today as well. I looked at them, could not decide if I wanted this particular one or not. So, we went for lunch, took a selfie, and I had a huge snake over my shoulders, and then we went back for the bag. For some or other reason my card would not work. Without me even asking, C, pays the guy, and I have my beautiful bag.

And this is part of my fear. What if. Always with the what if’s. But, what if one day, C reckons enough is enough. If my dark side starts to piss him off. If the fact that I get so upset over the utter disregard for human life in South Africa makes him think I’m a wuss? If my road rage or irritation at idiot drivers becomes too much? What if that day arrives and he says, sayonara Babe – It’s been good but now it’s over? On some level I know that I will probably pick up the pieces and carry on. It’s what we all do. But, in this short time, he’s become such an enormous part of my life. Somebody that really wants to speak to me, that really wants to spend time with me. That wants to share things with me. Somebody that embodies all the old fashioned values I hold so dear. Somebody I’ve literally spent a lifetime praying for. Somebody like that is not to be found behind every bush or in every pond. No use worrying about it now. That bridge will be crossed should it arrive on my horizon.

For now, however, I am basking in the knowledge that the Universe has sent across my path the perfect man for me. I am blessed to be this happy.

May your days be long upon the earth…

This song is quite an embodiment of the touch C’s taken with me. Gently breaking the very high walls I’ve built around myself and my emotions, slowly but surely, crumbling my defenses. Because gentleness wins where force fails…

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11 comments on “Fear.

    • thank you P 😉
      When I’m with C, I’m usually smiling 🙂
      Work was strained today, and will be even more so tomorrow, but we will hopefully prevail…

  1. What a wonderful picture of the two of you. Your joy just radiates outward. Keep each other close. May the situation at work be better resolved than it appears today. xxoo Huntie

  2. Fear is such an inhibitor. I think you are very strong; the happenings in SA would have made me go under long ago. So happy for you, that you have such a man as C. I agree, you do make a handsome couple.

    • You’re right Sarah – it is an inhibitor. But it also makes you stronger every time you face your fears head on.
      C has indeed been a God-send. If not for him, I don’t know how I would have survived. I am blessed 😉

  3. If C wants to be with you, he will be with you whether you worry about it or not. That’s not to say you should take him for granted – show him how much you appreciate him in small ways, in unexpected ways – these are the ways that touch another person’s heart.

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