Bet you thought I’d fallen off the face of the earth!
Nope, sorry. No such luck for any of the Universe’s denizens 😉
What have I been doing? Good question that. mostly not much at all. Been getting pissed at the government – nothing new there. Been flabbergasted at how some people drive – nothing new there either. Became aware, once again, of the level of stupidity out there. And it comes in all shapes and sizes. I’ve been noticing people going through life blindly. As if nothing they do or say has an impact on anybody else out there.
Specifically, my sister’s soon to be ex husband. He’s moved out, but does not bother to phone the kids, or to ask after them. In the process, telling his children that he does not think they’re good enough without saying the words. Cause two little boys to grow up with the same problems so many other little boys have to deal with.
It’s been raining here just about non-stop for the past two weeks. The roads have gone from bad to worse, with potholes everywhere. Dams have broken, rivers have flooded, people have drowned – it would seem that Mother Earth might be starting reclaiming her domain.
I put in an application for a car. Now I have to see if it’s granted or not – either way, what needs to happen, will. Dancing tonight. And this weekend is C’s off weekend, spent with me. Two sleeps only – life is good 🙂
Further to that the following :
Often, C and myself would talk about this. The inadequacies of words. There are so many of them. Each one has some kind of meaning. Or gives meaning to another. Even so. They are oftentimes inadequate to the emotions we experience. They can’t really describe how it feels to see your loved one again after an absence. How it feels to have to say goodbye again. How do you explain in one word the wealth of feelings garnered by the expected visit? How do you explain the peace that fills your heart when you see them, the surge of joy that overcomes all the ills of the preceding week? How does “I love you” cover the loosening of the burdens that you carried for so long? How does “Thank you” cover the absolute gratitude for having a partner that puts your needs before their own? And that allows you to be as good to them as you are able? How can you ever say enough words so that the other person knows just how much they mean to you? How deeply they have crawled into your heart, how much they have become a part of your daily thoughts? I suppose I’ve done a relatively good job in putting words to the feelings, but I think I’ve only scratched the tip.
Being loved and being allowed to love in return is, bar none, the most gratifying reason for being alive. Sure you can have a full, happy life being single – I have, lots of people choose to be single as a matter of course, and I can’t say that you can never be happy while on your own. I would have survived just fine, and so would C. We would have gone to work, gone visiting, watched our shows, eaten our food, maybe take in a show with friends or family, but, when all is said and done, we would have done it alone. There’s a hollowness to being on your own. a hollow that never really gets completely hidden. You fill it with different people, different things, hobbies, music, books, but it’s never really full. Something is lacking. Not that it always bothers you. For the most part you don’t even notice it. And then something happens. You fall down and skin your knee. Nothing serious, just an abrasion, maybe some blood, but you sit down and you howl. Not because it hurts all that much, but because you know you now have to get up and hop along to the bathroom, get the disinfectant and cotton wool out and clean the wound yourself. Nobody is going to do it for you. So that’s what you do. You dry your tears, swallow a few times and get up and carry on with living as you know. But the hollow got a bit deeper. And so it goes.
You might date. You might not. You might have loads of friends. You might not. You might, like me, hole up on your hermitage and never get out in the open other than going to work. You will fill the hollow with what you think you need to. And you will be content with life as you know it.
If you are lucky enough to find somebody that sees you – as you are, warts and all – you will realise then how deep the hollow really goes. How many things you have wanted to share with somebody that appreciates your particular brand of human-ness. Not because you’re half a person without somebody to share life with, but because you are just more. More able. More daring. More sparkling. You are just, more.
This was not a gush as such. It was just me, trying to explain to you, and to myself, how I’m experiencing this thing that has been happening with me. I’m making long term plans. I’m thinking of a possible together house – a place neither of us has shared with another person. We’re talking of birthday celebrations of both birthdays at the same time, mixing our circles of friends. Talking about next weekend as a matter of course, and not just a tentative arrangement. I’m cooking. I’m buying little treats. I get up out of my comfy chair or the bed and I make coffee. Something I would have balked at a few years ago.
But I have realised that, in order to make anything worth while continue to be worthwhile, I’m going to have to give as much, if not more, than I get. And, lo and behold, it is not a hardship at all! I don’t moan when I make C a cup of coffee. I don’t complain while I’m cooking him a meal. I do it all in anticipation of his reaction when he gets the gifts I can give him – my time, my effort, my love, my closeness. And he returns that in ten fold.
All my problems have not magically disappeared. Not by a long shot. I’m still not certain of the job. Money is always a precarious thing in my life. But I sleep well. I walk tall. I smile more often than not. I am blessed. I am loved.
That was just a catch up. I’ve been brewing on a few posts, but the words are not just there yet. Maybe they will never be there, and, if so, life, I’m sure, will continue 😉
Hope all is well at your end of the line – time for me to brave the elements to go dancing. Think avoiding any low water bridges might not be the worst plan. Then again, much as I want to go dancing, this rain is enough to keep a person indoors. not just a misty rain, it pours down relentlessly, covering everything in white, wet water. you can’t see where you drive, wipers blurring across the windshield – maybe a night in would not be a bad idea – I’ll see.
may your days be long upon the earth…
This tune in honour of the driveway at work. Kind of muddy and slippery – I slip slide in there in the morning 😉
And this one because of the misty morning I say over the weekend while watching C drive off to work… And quite one of my most favourite tunes of all time!