…yes. it’s that bad.
Not my C. He’s still as spectacular as ever. We speak on the phone, morning, noon and night. Had a two hour skype session last night. I’m going there on Saturday. Again. Spending the whole of next weekend with him, just visiting, not worrying. me, who never made plans further ahead than maybe a day or two, am now thinking long term more and more often. he reckons that he’s preparing for integration – puts the toilet seat down 😉 I’m still on cloud nine, completely over the moon, excited for the first time in many years about my future. Because these days, it does not only hold doom and gloom. It holds love and acceptance and grace and humility. Makes a welcome change I must say.
There is, however, a dark cloud. Not on the horizon, but right over me. Or rather, over my house. The miasma is permeating every room in my rebuilt sanctuary. Once again desecrating it. Last night, during the skype session the HG must have heard me. Now, if it was me, I would have put my own ear phones on so as not to have to first of all, eavesdrop on somebody’s private conversation, and secondly so that I don’t hear something that might hurt me. Or I’ll get the fuck out of dodge as soon as possible!! The HG, on the other hand, did neither. He listened. And heard things that’s made him mope the whole day. I did not see him this morning, did not see him at all tonight – he has not come out of the room since I’ve been home – 3 hours now. Well, hell. makes it difficult to have a discussion – at one stage I thought I should go and check if he still lives, but then I saw movement.
I already told him that if he insists on doing himself in, to please go do it in the bathroom – easier to clean and I can always fence off the room in future. Sounds flippant I know, and of course I don’t want him to really do himself in, but really bloke. Don’t spout that shit to me. I will not be held responsible for the crap heap your life has become. I refuse to be made guilty for your whole life’s suckiness. And if you can’t see any way out, please do not be making it my problem.
I got a bottle of Douwe Egberts coffee from C. Most lovely stuff you can find to drink. Seriously expensive coffee – not just something you drink all the time. So I put it out of the general eye, in the grocery cupboard, behind some things. Tell him to leave it alone since it’s my one luxury and I’ll not be buying Nescafe again until he’s gone – if you’re not going to be footing the bill for something, then I’m sorry. You don’t get to partake in life’s little luxuries. Especially not luxuries I bought and paid for. Am I petty? Probably. But that’s not how I would behave had I been in his situation. I would have used as little of the people’s stuff, made myself as unobstrusive and as little hassle as I could. And I would have done my best to get out of there as soon as I possibly can.
Back to the coffee. Because I know he likes the good stuff, I hid my Douwe. And out the lid on a certain way. I get home last night and the lid was moved. Not a lot of evidence I grant you, but it’s the equivalent of a spy putting a hair over the doorhandle. If the hair is not there, you know there’s been tampering. The coffee is now in my oven. Yes. It’s that sad.
My smokes have been in the bottom shelf of my cupboard. Where it can’t just be seen – you have to go looking for it.
Do I like living like this? No. Not really. I was advised by my boss at work to give him a deadline. A discussion I still have to have with him. But right at this minute I don’t really want to go search him out and tell him. Will have to do it when I’ve gathered more balls than I currently have. I mean, I’ve already crushed the poor bloke once – don’t want to do it again, even though I know I will have to. He needs a kick in the backside, and if he pushes me just a bit more, I will be the perfect one to administer said kick.
I look at my kids, they’ve flown the coop, they’ve flown the country completely, and they’re doing it on their own. They don’t have their parents with them out there in the world. Just their own wits and abilities. And they’re still so young. And then I look at this forty year old man, as lost as a dandelion on the wind, and I can’t imagine how he will ever get his life together. So many people has already said that he sees me as a mother figure. C reckons that the HG thinks the longer he stays here, the more used to him I will get and fall in love and let him stay forever.
That I can not contemplate. Just the thought of spending my life with a person that refuses to take responsibility for his own decisions fills me with dread! To think that he will always be flying off on a tangent, leaving me to keep my feet firmly on the ground to be his tether. Nope. Not so much.
I will gather by balls. Think I’ll do it on Friday before I go dancing for the first time this year. By the time I get back from the studio, he will be cloistered in his room, and will leave me alone. Which reminds me – will have to hide my birthday bottle of jacks. Neither here nor there, and I don’t even drink all that much, but it’s my bottle of jacks. At least I appreciate a swig the few times I do have it – not like the HG that will just finish the bottle so as not to feel. or what ever. I’m sure he will have a reason for his actions – drunks always do. And the only thing worse than a down and out depressive is a drunk down and out depressive. And I’m not disparaging people suffering from depression. I realise that it’s a very real illness. One that I don’t understand, but I can try. This person though. No. This one has changed things to the degree that I will, in future, keep my kindness limited to complete strangers. People I will never again see in my entire life. Because no good deed ever goes unpunished. So, keep it general, keep it out of your immediate vicinity, and you might just be able to both be kind and unpunished. Might. Because the leechy people can sniff suckers like me out – like a pig hunting for truffles, they sniff you out and they latch on. And, like real leeches, they secrete a substance that lulls you into a sense of complacency. And, once you wake up, after the substance has left your body, you are almost in too deep to remove all the tentacles they’ve spread throughout your life. That’s what I’m having to do now. Lucky for me, I did not let the leech get stuck for too long before I cut him loose. This episode will echo in my life for a long time still to come. The sooner I do something about it, the better.
There. Gripe done. Today was a good day. A day closer to me seeing my guy. Another present from the Universe to be alive. And, I have to say, lately I’ve been happy to be so. To breathe to see to hear to feel. Long may it continue!
I’ve chosen Ole Satchmo for tonight’s beautiful tunes – hope you enjoy them with me…