It has become apparent to me. Humans and me? not always a good mix.
Came home tonight from C’s, refreshed, revived and ready to face the battle ahead.
Only to be confronted with a morose child and an even more morose house guest. Of course said house guest was about two sheets to the wind. Don’t know where he got the alcohol from, but hey. Corners me – I want to talk to you. i heave a sigh. What is there to talk about? have we not already had this conversation? I thought I’d apologise for what I caused. Apologised for what I inadvertently let happen. He asks me, what am I going to do to fix it? Excuse me? What am I going to do to fix it? Why, nothing! I’ve tried to rip off the plaster in one go. Tried to do the right thing before it could get worse, and now I must fix it? Seems as if he’s not so much angry or hurt about what i did, but more about when I did it. I did it when he was down and out. He is forty and has nothing. How dare I be heartless and let him deal with a broken relationship as well as a broken life? I really am sorry about your broken life J, but I was not the cause of it. I am STILL prepared to help you fix it, give you a spot to call home in the interim, but how do you think it should work? Do you really think that sitting in my face the whole damn time just about begging me to think again, that you can be a partner for me. I can’t really deal with this anymore. I’m prepared to face what I did. I will live with my conscience about my decision as best I can. But I can not, and will not, be responsible for the way you deal with anything.
Which brings me to what I really wanted to post about. People. How one person can be in dire straits and go on to make his life worth it. And how another can be in the same situation and go to pieces. How one person faces their demons head on, and another shies away from it. I’m not talking about me. I screw up more than I fix. The people I’ve seen through my journey through this thing we call life. Some has dealt with things I can’t comprehend. I have no frame of reference for what they went through. Yet I count them amongst my best friends. Because they faced their demons. They’ve laid them to rest. And they’ve realised that in having survived the worst, they can survive the things life throws at them every given day. I have demons that I have not faced yet. I might be running away from one as I type this. So I can only commend those people for having faced theirs and being brave enough to carry on with life, regardless.
My 24 hours with C was a revelation. I blogged from his house last night. Drank lovely coffee. Had a cool lunch today. We talked and laughed and told silly jokes. We literally picked up where we left off two years ago. I’m beginning to think my sojourn with the American was to prepare me for C. He of the silly moves. He of the most awesome words anybody has ever said to me. The one person that has seen me for what I am and are prepared to accept it as is. Flaws and all. As he always puts it. If I’m cranky, I’m being me. The same with me being angry or happy or sad or bitchy. And if it gets to bad, he says, he will feed me chocolate. But he does not want to change me. He knows I’m flawed. He knows I screw up. But it’s difficult to stay angry in the face of his utter acceptance. It’s amazing how soothing he is to me. How I feel I can face the world’s demons when he’s with me. I might be making a mistake in this. The possibility always exists that I might have the blood of yet another human’s broken heart on my hands. I can not let it be so. Doubts, I suppose, will always be part of my life. My track record does not lend itself to implicit acceptance of myself. And I can not expect C’s acceptance of me to become a crutch for me to lean on. I can, however, use it to see myself in the light he does. To experience myself through his eyes. Later I might gush about his many lovely attributes. For now, I will end with this thought: Physical attractions are common. A mental connection is rare.
May your days be long upon the earth, and hope you enjoy the tunes…