…and then life happened.
I was going to lay to rest a ghost tonight. Not a real one, just a mind one. Something that has to be done, but it seems the Universe has other plans for me tonight.
Today, C and myself met up. We spent hours talking and laughing and just getting to where we were a few years ago. And it was good seeing him again. More than good really. Fantastic. It was quite as if no time has passed since the last time we saw one another and chatted. I thought the other day, in all my searchings, I might have been searching for him. Time will have to tell on this one, but for the nonce I’m quite prepared to follow this particular road, see where it leads. We spoke about the past and the future, medicine, my avid dislike of doctors and drunk people, his experiences as a young man. Music came into the fray, dancing was touched on. And then he gave me a HUGE Christmas gift. He bought me my router. fact that I’m struggling to figure out where everything goes on the machine is completely besides the point – I have one now and I’m raring to start using it! And then his kind heart came into play – filled my car up with petrol. Of course i kicked against it, but had to accept – as he says, it is a buddy doing something for another buddy. He reckons that since I’m helping one person and it’s putting a strain on my finances, he might as well help me because he can. Something that has not happened to me in a while. A gift with no strings attached to it. Not that I know how to handle such a great gift, in more ways than one, but I’m grateful for it in any case. Meant I could get some much needed foodstuffs for the house. oh, and he gave me a bottle of Douwe Egberts coffee – most divine!
My visit with Di went off without a hitch. Spent some time catching up on everything that’s happened since we saw each other last. So much in life can change in the blink of an eye – something we should always be careful of – taking things for granted.
On coming home, the mom and sister was here, with the house guest. They’ve accepted him completely. And that’s good – I think he needs some acceptance from people. Don’t think he’s gotten all that much from the people that was supposed to give it to him.
And then I went onto FB. And these things started following me around…
What am I to do? On the one hand, I’d very much like to see if I could make a somewhat integrated life with C. I know I can’t have that live with the house guest. But he’s like a lost puppy. Just so absolutely grateful for everything, always helping – I was moaning about the papers lying around all over the yard, and then he came out and picked them up. Made us supper, does the dishes. But I don’t want to share space with him. I can share some of it with him, just not all. I feel cornered in my own house. I can’t imagine he feels all that much better about it, op top of which he feels beholden and that’s never a nice feeling.
My head is completely screwed. I know me and C can have a good thing should we ever get to that stage. We’re starting, not from a prospective partner’s viewpoint, but from a friend’s view point. we knew each other well before we even contemplated taking it to a different level. The house guest is reeling from all the things that’s happened in his life in the past six months. And I KNOW that once you recover from such an ordeal, you have to put the past behind you, and, should I have started something with him, I will be left behind. I might know this, and he probably does to. I’m supposing that the view to the future is so daunting that he would prefer to not think about it.
One tends to forget the niggly things until they become huge boulders to be traversed. At the beginning of something fresh and new, everything seems possible. And then you start dealing with the inevitable small things. A dig here, a jab there. An off center comment, hitting you in the solar plexus, slowly suffocating you with it’s heaviness. The burden of somebody’s happiness resting on your head. I also know myself. I’m holding my tongue fast behind my teeth. I’m not speaking about the things that bothers me. Petty things to be sure, but they’re still things that bother me. I will keep it bottled in and one day the top will blow. And that will not be a pretty sight.
All these thoughts just milling about in my head. What to do, how to do it, can it be done without untoward hurt, should I just leave it and let it die a natural death, or do I pull the trigger and call it quits? I just don’t know.
For now, I’m going to bed. Not much sleep last night, up very early this morning. Can’t imagine what C must feel like – he’s on duty tonight and he did not sleep at all today. “I’m a phone call away J. if you want to speak to me, phone me. I will heed your call. I will crawl to you if I have to. You are my gift from the Universe” he says to me. FML. Here, where I sit listening to Pink Floyd, my head is spinning. Looks like I’m back on the chemicals tonight.
I am sending this out into the Universe tonight – Please give me the wisdom and the words needed to make sense of what is happening in my life. Give me the insight I need to run the gauntlet with the least injury to the involved parties. Send me a sign of my next course of action. I will be forever grateful.
Two songs, just for Huntie – a bit more of your grown up tunes Hunt 😉 But if anybody else also enjoys them, I’m always happy to share.
And may G-d and the Universe have mercy on me…
And this one just to shake off all the cobwebs – love this tune!!