They say…

…the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Well, hell. Tonight has not been a good one to say the least.

It’s the house guest’s birthday today. His 40th. A big birthday in anybody’s life, but in somebody that’s been blown hither and tither, it becomes an insurmountable issue. Add to that quite a few glasses of white wine, and an overheard conversation last night between me and C, and you have the start of a glorious battle.

And now, I’m awake, sitting at my pc at 3:42 am. He’s lying in bed, probably over thinking his life, wishing he could get out of this untenable situation. And I don’t blame him.

Sure, I deserve to be happy, same as everybody else. What I don’t deserve however, is happiness at the cost of somebody else’s unhappiness.

It has happened once again. I fucked up royally. Instead of holding to my promise and try to help this person that desperately needs it, I had to go off on a tangent with a new prospect. Because, apparently, I’m fickle that way. C’s beautiful words notwithstanding, about accepting my feet of clay and being willing to pick me up when I fall, I doubt that I’m worth such devotion. I can apparently not keep my attention on one person at a time. Looks like I’ve become a serial dater. Always dating, having the firsts, and when the going might get serious, I get going. Is this true? Am I that fickle person?

The way I feel now, I should really just give up this whole relationship thing, give up the hope of ever finding anybody to share my life with, and accept the fact that I’m just not worth all that much as a partner. As a friend, sure. An acquiantance, by all means. But as a life partner? Probably not so much. I’m too selfish. I’m too set in my ways. I’m too butch. I’m too independent. I’m just, all in all, too much of a damn bitch!

And my heart is breaking for JP. I wish I could undo all the bad he feels because of me. I wish there was something I could do to make him realise that I was never going to be the person he could spend a life with – because I’m not so sure I even want to spend a life with myself. For that matter, I can’t even imagine why C would want to spend any time with a person like me. A person that will step on somebody else to get what they want. A person that will do things behind another person’s back just for personal gratification.

At this point in time, I really hate myself. I don’t feel like a good person. I feel like a harlot. Like I should have a scarlet letter on my breast, proclaiming my failings to the world.

“Keep away world. This woman is just bad news for all she meets.”

Everything I touch turns into shit. No matter what it is, it just does not go where I want it to be. I’m scared to death of starting anything with anybody, because I don’t believe, deep down, that I deserve to be happy. The last time I was happy it was with another woman’s husband. How good can I be if I was happy then? I tried to do the right thing. I still try to live to a set of beliefs and a moral code. But really, when all is said and done, I’m just another fallen woman. I’m just as bad as the people you read about in the news. The ones that does not seem to care about what is right and what is wrong.

And no matter what I try to do right, I always, always do something to sabotage it. Heaping the glowing coals of deceit and treachery.

I’m feeling miserable. It’s been a while since I felt like this. And all this does is just re-iterate my suppositions regarding me and humans. The further away from them I stay, the better for both them and me. I’ve lost my inner peace, I’ve lost my peace of mind. I’ve lost confidence in my humanity, my beliefs, my values. In myself.

I might even have lost the little bit of hope I’ve been carrying around with me for a very long time.

All this because I tried to do the right thing by somebody.

I only hope I can be forgiven. I hope I can forgive myself for causing this.


16 comments on “They say…

  1. I’m not planning on playing NICE here. STOP it. Right NOW.
    Stop this nonsense about putting yourself down. Don’t go there. YOU need to go after what you NEED and want. End of story. Shush. Think about it. YOU are worth it. Stop doing yourself a disservice. Do not. Anymore!

  2. Yip. Wot is sed above.
    Stop bashing yourself with that brick and put it down!
    When the right relationship comes, you’ll know it – even if only gradually. Until then, don’t force things.
    Another thing, you need to start from the base that you and yourself get along fine, and that if that is how it is going to be for the rest of your life, then that is also fine.
    Once any feelings of desperation are taken out of the equation you will be in a far better position to differentiate between the true and the false.

    • Strange thing is Col, I have actually been thinking that I’m OK with myself and I. Apparently I’m not as OK as I thought I was.Back to the drawing board it seems.
      i will, however, try to stop beating myself up – there’s only misery in that.
      thanks for the kind words – I appreciate them!

  3. I can’t agree more with the comments here.

    Just give yourself time to wallow in your hatred and sadness but don’t get drowned by it. This too shall pass.

    • i’m not going to allow myself to wallow in this bad feelings grace – it’s not good for anybody, least of all me.
      Thanks for your kind words – everything is indeed eventual.
      Hope you and the little family you’re growing is still doing good 🙂

  4. Serial dating goes with sussing out men too fast and not seeing the point in sticking around with that one, and the next one, and the next because none of them are right for you. Been there; done that. To me, that’s being honest and saves a load of far heavier grief further down the line, as well as expense if you marry them and then decide you’ve got it wrong.

    As for thinking you’re all that’s bad — if that was the case, you wouldn’t be feeling guilty about hurting people. Instead, you wouldn’t care a toss about their feelings or you might even enjoy hurting them.

    Your New Year’s resolution. “I, Ghia will stop beating myself up”.

    • Thanks for clarifying the serial dating thing Sarah – not that I do that anymore – got so sick of all the games people play!
      As for stopping the beating up of myself, that might still happen from time to time, but I do try not doing it too often – it wreaks havoc with my hard won inner peace!!
      Thanks for your kind words – I was really feeling like such a bad person last night!!!

  5. I am sorry I am late on this, coming in after you’ve posted an additional post – haven’t read it yet. Stuck on this one. You LISTEN to your friends right here! This is what friends are for – and we know you better than you know you – yes, we do. We’ve been here every day for a year and more for some – we’ve heard your dreams, your sorrows, your shadows, your sins. You are human, honey.

    If I could, I’d pass you the eraser my sister gave me at times when we beat the shit out of ourselves. Emotion is not logical, the heart knows faster than the mind what it wants and when it wants it.

    You still did a good deed in picking up and sheltering this man, whether you did it perfectly or not. You cannot be responsible for anyone’s happiness other than your own, J. You have forgotten the hard lessons you paid such a dear price for in learning this one for yourself. xxoo HuntMode

    • Thank you P. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
      I have forgotten my hard won lessons. I am truly blessed to have a friend like you to remind me of all I have been through. And also for reminding me that I am after all is said and done, just human, prone to screw ups.
      Thank you.

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