I’ve done it.
Snookered myself. Royally screwed us. Stuck a stick right up my own backside. Hoisted by my own petard.
I can go on, but I’m sure you get the gist.
The kid is leaving on Saturday. He’s been with me most of the time since the end of September. Which means I’ll be missing him even more than I would have had he just left right after he moved.
He’s gone to the father’s tonight. Tomorrow he’ll be going to a friend, and a party on Friday evening, so I’ll only see him again on Saturday morning when I have to go and spend money I don’t really have but that I have to do because it’s my child. So, this morning, as he said goodbye to me after opening the gate for me, I realised that this particular scene will likely not be happening again any time soon.
I got my wish. He stayed with me. We spent hours talking about all kinds of things – that’s why I’ve been so scarce around here – we watched random movies. Drank coffee, ate. I moaned about him using too much electricity, and he carried on regardless. We never fought though. Can’t be fighting in the last few days I’m likely to have him with me. When it hit me this morning that the next time I see my child he would have become a stranger. He would have changed. Became something I don’t know, a person dealing with a confluence of influences and experiences I have no knowledge of, I cried. And on opening the scuff tin he packed me, I cried some more. Some sweets, special coffee from Thailand, chicken and a roll with butter. Such a sweet child. Always going the extra mile.
I have to trust that he will be fine far away. He can speak the language, he’s not going alone and he’s very well rounded for the most part. I know this is a good thing for him. There’s no future for a white child in the suck heap anymore. Our children have to go out into the world, and I’m not by any means the only parent that has had to deal with this. Not the first, not the last, not the only one. Does not make it any better though. I wish it did not have to be so. Wish I did not have to say goodbye to him. But I’m going to. Come Saturday night, i will be standing at the airport, waving goodbye to my child as he goes off into the great blue yonder. And so I’ve snookered myself. Wanting him here until he leaves, and now not wanting to let go.
Add to that the usual money worries and the nerves about the exam on Saturday and I’m feeling very fragile these days! But it will get better again – only a matter of time. Work is still going well, traffic is still an absolute dream. And even if the house is a bit full at the moment, I still have it to come home to in the evening. The one constant. The only way that will change is if the money suddenly dries up and I’m hoping that that will not happen just yet. Then again, if it does, I’ll weather that storm as well. It’s just what we do, us humans. We weather the storm and get through it to the other side, wet and bedraggled but mostly alive.
Until I land on planet earth again, I’ll leave you with this piece of music…