How things change in just seven days.
Sitting here, alone again after the whole family was here at one time or other this afternoon, the mind tends to flow…
Last week this time, I had a somewhat boyfriend. I had the prospect for a job interview, but no prospect for the job itself. I started a journey with a new puppy that was a complete surprise.
This week, I have only a bloke that’s still on my contact list, but not in my life. At least I don’t think so. Doubtful since I’m not planning on becoming more calm anytime soon and that’s all he seems to be able to handle. Yes well. An experience. A lesson learned. Yet another sadness to be dealt with and to be gotten over. yet another rejection to try and keep away from my already severely wounded psyche. i have to wonder why i continuously do this to myself. Why look for somebody that could maybe be more than just a face in the crowd, somebody to share “khef” with, as they call a sharing of lives in the Calla, courtesy of Stephen king. The only reason I can come up with would be hope. It is still alive in me. Sometimes it burns brighter, sometimes somewhat less so, but the flame is never completely doused. Something always fans the coals, and even if it never really reaches the conflagration stage, there’s always a shimmer of heat from the hope that burns in my heart. I’ll not actively search like I used to – what needs to happen, will. if there’s somebody out there, I will meet him.
This week I have the prospect of an actual job. Only for five months, but the possibility does exist for it to become something more permanent. I’ll not break my head over that. I’ll not get all tense and worried about my future without a job as I used to in the past. If I don’t have a job after Jan 2014, I’ll just put my house in the market and follow through with my original plan to find a spot in the country to live in as cheaply as I can. Even in that, I feel total calm in making that decision. I’m not going to stress about the price I get for my house. i’ll not stress about where to go to. I’ll not stress that it is the wrong decision. It will be as it needs to be. It just has to. And I will be able to give my whole family a place to come to when the machine eventually spits them out. And, should the job become permanent, there’s not a single thing stopping me from buying a second property and cultivating it for when the machine eventually spits ME out!
This week I have a young dog that’s more or less house trained. Accidents are bound to happen, usually because I don’t wake up early enough to take him outside. But he’s a good addition, a friendly little thing. Quiet and calm, just as his name suggests. He’s been introduced to my kids too, he still sleeps on his own pillow, comes when he’s called. He’s been taken into the fold, and hopefully we will, all of us, share our lives to the best of our ability for as long as we need to do it.
This week, instead of a person with the whole world’s sorrows on her shoulders, I am a person secure in the knowledge that giving over the reigns to a Higher Power instead of fighting and chomping at the bit has made me be at peace with the world I exist in. Sure, I’ll never be happy with traffic, but even that, in His great wisdom, has been sorted so I don’t HAVE to deal with it all that much anymore. I’ll always worry about my kids – it’s my job. But I can only show them my own peace and calm and maybe they will learn from that.
This week I might not be financially secure, not have all that much food in the house or the freedom to go away for a weekend, but I do have food I can scrounge out. I have one ticket to go and see Hugh Jackman as Wolverine on Tuesday evening, in 3D no less, and tomorrow I’ll return to the minimum wage job. Even though the job’s not all that great, the people I’m sharing the office with is quite worth time spent on them. Probably people I’ll take with me on the rest of my journey.
And all these are good things.
So, let the week begin. And may yours be as good as it is possible for a week to be while still in the human realm 😉 And, just because I love it so, my absolute fav Brubeck tune.
Long days and pleasant nights…