Fight.

think me and Mr P are having one.

I say I think, because he does not really fight. Then again, to actually have a full blown fight, at least SOME emotions must be in play. And I doubt that he’s got all that many concerning me.

Then again, Maybe, as per usual, I’m the one with the screwed up perceptions. That would be the usual thing.

You’re fighting because your perception of the situation is being coloured by your previous experiences.

Allrighty then.

Can anybody ever remove their present completely from their past? I realise you should not let your past be the only thing you see, but how do you actually live a life where you have not learnt anything from your past experiences? That would just be stupid, not so?

Think the “fight” started this morning. He did not speak to me. Via whatsapp. But, you can see when somebody’s been online. Not to worry, I realise we all have lives that does not revolve around one another, but nothing? Not even a good morning? Turns out this time he’s hiding behind the 19 year old kid that’s returned to P Town from a month long visit to mom in PE. From what I can see Mr P reckons that now that the kid is back, he can’t just come and visit me as often as he did while the kid was not there. Pardon me, but do you need to wipe junior’s ass the way his mom did? Is he not able to feed and clothe and bathe himself? And are you not the one constantly harping on the fact that the kid will have to start sharing responsibilities and bring his part and all that crap?

Now you’re hiding being him so that you don’t have to actually leave your living space.

Like I said to him – for him, I’m just another user of his precious time. Get the answer that he does not need sarcasm. Told him that actually, I was not being sarcastic, just stating the facts as I know them.

Maybe I am acting all female like. That possibility does exist since I am, in actual fact, a female.

But I doubt that I’m the one in the wrong here.

Much as I like visiting him, and spending time with him, I get the feeling, regularly, that he’s humouring me. Of course I know very well that I’m not his first thought in the morning, and certainly not his last thought at night. I’ve made peace with that, since I can’t really give all that much attention to a needy man. And I am trying not to be a needy woman, but really dude.

With the kid there, how comfortable do you think a visit will be for me? Do I really WANT to share any space with a kid not of my own making? A kid that I can’t say anything against because it’s not mine?

At least my kids have the decency to not bother me at all hours. They’re not expecting me to feed them or clothe them. They visit me every once in a while and that works for all of us. I can not see the good in having to share an open plan living area with a child, albeit an adult one. That actually makes it even worse truth be told.

So, here I am. Usually alone, and he thinks that I want him to come and visit me because I’m alone. Dude. My solitude keeps me sane. It does not detract from who I am. It actually adds something to me, being on my own. If you come to visit me, let it be because you want to see my face. Want to touch my hair. Want to smell my skin. Want to hear my voice.

Not because you think I’ll crumble because I’m alone.

I actually told him just that – you visit, cool. You don’t visit, also cool. My life will carry on regardless, as will his.

This is not what I want it to turn into. I want this to be something comfortable, but already I’m seeing that I will always be the one made to compromise.

I get angry at traffic. He does not. Now I’m not allowed to get angry at traffic because it makes him tense.

I like using big words, or at least words that not many people use in daily conversation. he either does not understand the words, or think me pompous for using them, so I’ve been told to dumb it down on numerous occasions.

Not quite a match made in heaven, but then, so few are. Do I have nothing then that draws him to me other than my dark side? Do I not have any positive effect on him? Does he not want to just see me? Why on earth does everything always have to be such a fucking issue!! For heaven’s sake!

Wake up dude. You’re not talking to a kid here. I’m a grown woman with quite a bit of experience and a great skill in reading people – I can see what goes on in your head, even if you can’t. I don’t expect anything more than you are able or willing to give me. But you’re always looking for the hidden agenda – and I just don’t have any of those.

Too old, and too tired and to wise to bother with games at this point in time. What you see is what you get.

Oh well.

He will either get good again or he won’t. Either way, not much I can do about that. He’s a dude. And even though he’s different from my usual dudes, he still suffers from exactly the same insecurities, harbours the same resentments, as all the other men I’ve come across. He just accesses it on a different plane.

All’s not lost though. If I don’t have to traipse all over Pretoria, my petrol will probably last longer than it currently does. because I’m certainly not going to visit while the kid is there. And I’m not paying him to visit me, so we’ll just both stay put it would seem.

At least I’m not hiding behind my kids!

Tomorrow night I will be joining the old folk at a Barnyard extravaganza of some sort. And tonight I have to figure out what to eat 😉

Sleep well folks – tomorrow will bring it’s own troubles, as it always does…

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23 comments on “Fight.

  1. They are most definitely from Mars, and we’re from Venus. G-d, they’re hard work. And a man hiding behind a grown-up kid, sounds like a man who’s a grown-up kid himself, or not-so-grown-up, as the case may be.

    • Well, have to keep it interesting 😉
      It’s not that bad P – I have invested about as much emotion in this as he has. Then again, we might be all hunky dory again tomorrow 😉
      Never a dull moment!

      • Haven’t heard the expression hunky dory in ages. My mom used to say it all the time. It’s true through that any sustaining relationship has it’s ups and down, anyone says differently is not living in the real world. xoxo 🙂

    • There’s definitely issues with the offspring Tess. This I know for a fact. You can bring a horse to water, you can’t make it drink. i tried to be a haven for him, but he apparently prefers his own, so hey. Do what you must, I can’t change that.
      Ben is making up for it – at least he’s happy to see me 😉

  2. Relationships are compromise a lot of the time. For example, tell him you’ll dumb down some of your language if he’ll smarten up some of his. Be prepared to get on with the kid, within limitations, if he is making any effort to give a concession in return. Tell him to put up with some of your reactions to traffic – they may make him more tense but getting it out of your system makes you less so. And so on!
    In other words, make it clear at all times that adapting is a two-way stream.

    • In the short time we were sort of an item Col, I’m the one that ended up making most of the compromises – in many ways.
      I might have continued with it had I thought something might come of it, but really. Flogging a dead horse is just not that much fun. Time to call it quits I think.
      Then again, I always have hope. Anything can happen…

  3. “Love is quite violent. It is so painful at times, so devastating. And there is nothing worse or better. We find the highs and lows equally unbearable. But then again, the absence of them is more so.”
    ― Danielle Steel
    Mats annoys me, too, now and then but…
    {{{HUGS}}} ♥

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