Familiar.

It’s been a while since i sat in my study during daylight hours.

Get home just before the sun disappears below the horizon every day, in the cold, so not open windows. Just me, wrapped in my cocoon of silence.

Now, I’m sitting here, looking at a view that’s been the same, or relatively so, for the past 12 years.

Sure, the trees have grown bigger, the pots have multiplied, the grass probably became less, but my back garden has been there for quite some time. The same washing line, the same garden furniture. The birdcage, the toolshed. All familiar things. All things that I will have to pack up and take with, or more likely, sell before I move. I will have to get used to a different view altogether. I will have to remove myself from a place I thought I would die in.

That I might have to give up in the near future.

I say might, because I spoke to an Estate agent yesterday and he did not sound all that optimistic. A blog buddy also told me that the housing market is dead. At the moment at least.

When it will pick up again, I have no idea.

Then again. Do I really have a choice in selling? If I don’t find a job to pay my bond with, how long do you think before the bank sells my house out from under me, on auction no less, and we all know what happens on an auction – the house will be sold for only the price the bank needs to cover their own finances – what happens to me is not really their problem.

I feel the pressure from all sides.

Pressure to chase the machine. Pressure to help mom and myself to try and find a better life somewhere. Pressure when I think of the traffic I have to deal with again tomorrow. Pressure when I think of all the things I will have to pay at the end of this month with very little money.

Thankfully, in all this, my family and Mr P has been there. I think he will do nicely. Cooked us a meal yesterday, stayed with me the whole weekend. Fed the dog for me this morning while he let me snooze. He’s becoming much more accepting of my little foibles. Probably because he has a few of them himself. And even though he’s not quite the cuddly type, just having his warm body next to mine in the bed at night helps soothe my soul. Not to mention it’s way better than a hot water bottle! I speak to him more often than do anything else. We talk about our war with the world. Our reality as we see it. And sharing the problems we have with kids and life and money, the machine. It’s becoming more and more comfortable – yesterday was a very domestic day! He cooked, I did the laundry, and late afternoon, he took a bit of a nap while I took a nice hot bath. mom and a friend came to visit, and we looked at places, had coffee and chatted and laughed.

As unrealistic as it may seem, I do wish he could stay with me for longer than just a bit. I like having him around. Getting used to his smell, the timbre of his voice.

I’m not likening this to my previous love. That can never be replicated. What I’m finding with Mr P is not the absolute high of a romantic love, but the gentle mellowness of an adult relationship. Two people currently being tossed about in life’s stormy waters, trying to make sense of the mad chase for more money, more stuff, and finding some kind of solace in a shared experience.

He might follow me to the far reaches of the country – not because of love or anything like that, but because we do work well together. We have a similar outlook on life. We both need just a little bit of human contact to survive this earth for a while longer, and what better way than with a like minded human being. But also because he’s also been wanting out. And was maybe just wary of going the whole hog – with me down there already, forging ahead, he will have at least something familiar to work with, and fact is, I could use his skills on a farm.

I can deal with his peculiarities, the fact that he’s just as wary of full commitment as I am, yet we both still want and maybe even need, the warmth and presence of another human at our sides from time to time. I’m quite prepared to do what has to be done on my own, and mean to carry on like that until I die, but I can’t say that I won’t welcome his continued existence in my sphere.

And maybe that will be our saving grace.

Age. And the wisdom it brings. Not the storms of youth or hormones, just the gentle awareness and compassion that comes to you as you get older. The knowledge that there at least one person that looks at the world as you do.

Will never be easy, allowing another person in your personal space, but some people I can tolerate there much better than others. And Mr P is welcomed by my personal space.

Hope your Sunday is going well so far and will continue on that vein until it’s sleep time…

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21 comments on “Familiar.

  1. That constant pressure is a lot of stress. I really feel for you. Thank goodness for Mr. P and your family being there to help keep a balance. Love that song and what an upbeat music they put it to. I remember Adam Lambert signing in on one of the TV singing contest shows and found it on youtube, must’ve listened to it a hundred times. Hugs to you.

    • It feels as if my head is constantly abuzz P. But yes. Mr P and the family have been very soothing influences.
      Glad you liked the tune 😉
      And thanks for the hugs!

  2. This is a lot of stress on you with the house, ghiatjie. Even though the market is slow, maybe better just to put it up for sale anyway. Mr P sounds like such a comfort to you…I am happy he is there for you…
    *sending the hugs*

    • There will be water if G-d wills it – to quite the King.
      I will have to follow this road wherever it takes me Esperanza.
      Thanks for the hugs 😉

    • It is quite debilitating Col. I’m in a constant tizz about anything and everything.
      As for the ripening, I’ll hope for it, but, as always, I will tread carefully – won’t do to read too much into something that may not go the distance.
      It would be nice though…

  3. i wish i have words of wisdom to help you. I am glad, however, that Mr.P and your family are there for you. Blogging about it I hope helps.

    • Blogging about it does help P. I can put my thoughts in words, look at them, and tackle the problems one by one.
      Having my support system with me does make a difference, but this is still something that I have to decide in my own. they will just come with me, but I have to arrange everything and handle all the stress that goes with it.
      Thanks for reading and commenting – it does make a difference!!

  4. We used to live in town that got upgraded to a city, making it too expensive to live there any longer, so we found ourselves seriously running out of money. So we sold the house and bought a run-down student house in a town thirty miles away for a two-thirds of the price we sold the other house for, and did the place up between exchange of contract and completion. It saved our lives, although money is dodgy yet again now, as I think will be the story of my life. I’m convinced some of us are born with a plastic spoon in our mouths, instead of a silver one.

    The housing market swings around all over the place in the UK. At the moment it’s on an up (which I don’t understand in the middle of a double-dip recession) and can only be down to estate agents hiking-up the prices. We are so at mercy of market forces. I do hope you can sort everything out.

    • I saw a thing on FB – apparently a Reagan quote. The government is there to look after people, not tell them how to live. Or some such.
      Everything is geared towards making as much money as possible, and the ones that end up paying would be the citizens that can least afford it.
      I’ll have to follow all possible avenues Sarah. See where they lead me…

  5. It sounds as though your mind is working overtime. I really hope things work out for you and Mr P. You obviously get on well together, and I sense that he is different from all the others. 🙂

    • My poor head is never still AD!! A;ways thinking about the next thing that has to be done.
      Mr P, well yes. He’s so different from all the other cretins I’ve met these past few years, it’s almost as if he’s a different species! The exception that proves the rule kind of thing 🙂 But he’s good to me, and even though we argue, he’s never nasty, and he seems to be able to somewhat calm me as well.
      Here’s to hope!

  6. Hello, I come by your blog by way of you liking a post on my Barefoot Baroness blog. Wanting to say thank you and meet you through your writing.
    I am glad I did.
    I like so much your raw honesty and in speaking about a kind of relationship in our mean years in a way of acceptance spoke to me deeply.
    I won’t speak as if i have been following your blog all along and am privy to your history, but I think you have a sense about who you are from your very core and I find this inspiring.
    I wanted to say.

    Thank you for such a poignant share.~ BB

    • Thanks so much for your kind words BB!
      Honesty is not always prized in the outside world, but on my blog, I can be as open as I need to be – because I know the people reading me will know what it’s like to not be able to be yourself anywhere but here.
      Thanks for the read, and once again, thanks for the kind comment.
      I’m glad you enjoyed what I wrote – it gives my blog meaning if I can touch a stranger with my expressions.

  7. “the gentle mellowness of an adult relationship” – nicely put & well-done. Perhaps in the end wayyy better than the “absolute high of a romantic love”. Because after the “absolute high” came the “absolute low” – and who needs that. Really. Happiness for both of you.

    • There’s that saying – What if love does not work out? Ahh, but what if it does…
      I think we’re moving to being friends first and lovers second. And that, I think, is not a bad thing at all. Because you know a friend. You can talk to a friend. And if that friend is also your lover, so much the better.
      Yes, I would like him to just one day, press me up against the wall, act as if he can’t see past his need for me, but those fires burn bright, they burn high, and they burn out.
      Looks like the steady, warm glow of a comforting blaze might be just what the doctor ordered!!

  8. This writing was a beautiful one, J. Possibly because I am older now and can appreciate what you speak of. Here’s a Pres. Reagan quote: “The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, “I’m from the government and I’m here to help.”

    • I can well imagine that would be quite terrifying 😉
      Glad you liked my writing P – it seems to be the only thing I still do relatively well these days!

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