Falling…

…into everything.

Falling into life. Death. Love. Hate.

Sometimes you can see the chasm. Often you don’t. It’s just there, across your path. Nothing for it, you have to fall. It can have a good outcome. That’s always in the cards. It can also have disastrous results.

Like following the chasm to the detriment of your financial security. Falling in love with the wrong man. That inevitably turns into hate. And you fall into the vicious circle of self doubt. And that’s the bottom line of falling. A good fall brings only good things. A bad fall screws up everything. It poisons your life well and continues to do so until you find the antidote. Which is another fall. Conundrum. Having had a bad fall before, falling again is scary. It’s daunting. Even if you can see that it will be a good fall. Because the others also looked like good falls.

The story of life I suppose. A series of falls. Some with good results, some with bad. All forming the never ending stream of our psyche, forming our character, making us who we are for better or worse.

All this brought on mainly because of a song. Cute song, I’ll include it in this post. But also Mr P. He of the depressed mien. The thing I don’t quite understand is what, to me, seems an indulgence in the depression. I myself get depressed. What can I do about it but cry on my blog? Certainly, the humans around me, and my bank account does not tolerate such indulgence. So you gird your loins, you put on your big girl panties and you do what needs to be done to make the situation bearable. And, once home, in the dead of night, then you cry about things you can’t control or change. About how useless and stupid and superfluous you feel.

Not that I’m an expert of the subject of depression. To me, personally, it has always seem like a very big self indulgence. Quite like blaming ADHD for not having a job, or for that matter, indecisiveness on your starsign. I’m very likely wrong. Then again. Even if you do suffer from depression, do you really have a choice other than to work and earn a living? If you’re the only one doing the earning, how on earth can you sink into depression and let everything go to hell? Sink into the depression if that’s what you feel like doing. But do it at night, after you’ve earned your daily bread.

If you don’t want to see people because you prefer hiding in your cave, you tell them that you would prefer not to be bothered. That you would rather hide and lick your wounds. Understandable. You can not, however, be ambivalent about it. You have to be clear and open and to the point. 

You do not pick a fight, wanting the other person to do what you would rather not do. See, Mr P, I know what’s going on. You either want me to force the issue and insist on you visiting me and me visiting you, or you want me to tell you to go to hell because you would rather not be the person that does it. So you have these little snipey comments, and I can’t say anything to you in fear of making your depression worse. And really. I’m 45 years old. Not quite in the mood for fighting anymore. If it can’t be calm and comfortable and nice, but only bumpy and prickly and frothy, I can do without. 

You can stew in your misery. I could have tried to help you get out of the morass, had you wanted to let me. Alas. It would seem that you like indulging your moods. You like wallowing in the quagmire. And that’s entirely your prerogative. I can certainly not stop you from doing that, and I’m not knowledgeable enough to even try. And frankly, I’m tired of walking on eggshells. 

I am a person, with a person’s feelings. A person’s sensibilities. As I’m trying to get you to see that everything’s not bad, I would very much like you to do the same for me. Because sometimes you need another person’s view of the world to make you realise that yours is not all that bad. 

Then again, I’m quite able to pep talk myself. And usually it just takes an interesting book or a good tune, or a well made cup of coffee to cheer me up.

Not so Mr P. Nothing I am able to to seems to make him smile. Life is just one long lament. Seems like he does not even try and get out of it. 

And, much as I still like him for reasons other than the constant lament, and much as I’ve always looked forward to seeing him, I really don’t know how much longer I will have strength enough to keep both of us standing.

Not that I can’t. But there must be a reciprocal decision. Not one sucking and the other letting themselves be sucked dry. Both must be able to walk away from each encounter refreshed and invigorating, not sapped and listless.

So, where I was quite exited last night with the prospective visit today, discussions have led me to believe that I’m tolerated rather than liked, treated politely rather than honestly, handled rather than actively being sought out. And I’ve been the one pushing this right from the start. Always thinking that maybe, just maybe, something will happen. I’m realistic enough to know when to call it quits. And if I don’t stop all communication directly, I’m thinking I’m experienced enough not to invest too many emotions in this. And that’s also wrong. And very sad.

Because I think I would quite like to jump headfirst into a love affair. I think I’m ready to fly off into the clouds borne only on the wings of love. The light of a possible future luring me. And that may be the reason I stuck this out as long as I have. The lure of the possible. Hope.

Hope you enjoy the songs I chose for you today. Well, not really chose, I just happened across them on my, as already ascertained, surprisingly varied playlist 😉

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25 comments on “Falling…

    • He has a damn Apple Mac. According to me, a HUGE reason to be happier than he is! But then, I’m easily made happy…
      I will send him the link. He can use it, or moan about it which is the more likely outcome 😉
      I will take a look at it myself – maybe retrain my own brain a little!!
      Thanks Sarah 🙂

  1. Great song, thanks for the intro to Pink Martini. Can only suggest that P is not getting the right medical help to make his depression something he can control and help him to live a worthwhile life.

  2. Sorry that Mr P has such a barrow load of issues. Can’t you find someone less complicated, who will cheer you up when you’re down, instead of pulling you down when you’re up?

    • the less complicated ones are stupid AD. And I’d really rather deal with issues than stupidity. And more likely, the constant getting laid option that stupid men seems to be so hung up on!!
      This I say because Mr P has proven his worth as a person last night when I needed him most.

  3. Shouldn’t he, ideally, be working this through WITH you and not take it out ON you. But having said that, Ghia, the only thing I know about ideal situations is what I read in books. Haven’t had much experience of it in real life.

    • The situation is not ideal. Not by a long shot.
      But last night he proved that, while he might have issues, he’s still somebody that can be depended upon. And in my life, that makes a HUGE difference.
      I’ve not lost hope with him yet – he is worth knowing 🙂

  4. Too bad Mr. P. can’t lighten up and enjoy the lightness of your company. Do what is best for YOU, but you already know that.

    I L–O–V–E Pink Martini. I happen to have a CD with this very number on it.

    • Pink Martini is the best 😉
      As for Mr P. He continually surprises me. maybe, just maybe something worth it can grow out of the morass…

  5. Never heard of pink Martini. As for loving a person with illness of depression, it takes a lot of love to do this. I hope he is taking medication and therapy.

    • Hope you will listen to Pink Martini a bit more now P – they are a great band 🙂
      As for love – we’re not quite there yet, but I think it could grow into that given enough time. I’ve never been somebody that will leave another person to their own devices, but only time will tell in this instance…

  6. Sounds like Mr P is just dragging you down and you really don’t need that. Hopefully he gets his act together soon.
    Cool songs you’ve got playing here today 🙂

  7. Ghia, you appear to have presented all sides of the equation ~ what does your gut say? I’m in a similar one – only my neighbor who is 77 years old and female, which requires me to remember my elders and be as polite and tolerant as possible. Whether we spent too much time together, I just found the past week exhausting. And, I am not on the verge of the possibility of love/attraction! I trust your innate wisdom. Enjoy your dancing – that one never seems to let you down.

    • With all his things P, my gut is still leaning more towards him than away from him. that’s what makes this so hard for me – I can see his worth and his potential. He is worth knowing on so many levels, I’ll just suck up his sometime morbidity and deal with it like I do my own – play a tune, read a joke, moan on the blog. Worked so far, might work a while longer 😉
      The thing with old people I think, is mainly loneliness. And probably a feeling of being rejected and neglected by their own family. Maybe you should help her move into a circle of same age people – help her through the tough times…

      • Oh, I am sure there are. The depression seems to weigh her down though. As you and I both know, it is up to us to draw the lines when we are exhausted. Doesn’t have to mean ending the friendship, just taking a time out – even if for the day.

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