On thinking…

I’ve been doing a lot of that lately.

About Mr P. The job thing. Money. Kids.

Chaos unnerves me. Not knowing what’s going to happen leaves me with a cold sweat.

I realise that the future is uncharted territory. None of us really know what’s going to happen around the next bend. And that I’ve made peace with.

At least, when you have an actual job with certain paychecks, you can stave off the most immediate worries like bonds and food and bills. Nowadays though, it seems to get a job is becoming almost impossible. I have an interview with an agency on Friday afternoon. So I have to schlepp all the way there, and travel all the way back to Pretoria, on the off chance that I might get a job out of it. Have to do some kind of computer test or some such. I can’t remember when last I did a test of any kind. and, truth be told, I’m actually quite scared of what they will want me to do. I’ve never worked on Accys. I’ve mostly been working on the usual stuff – Word, Power point and Excel. As fast as I can type free-hand, I’ve never been able to not look at the keyboard while typing unless it’s numbers. As quickly as I pick up new systems, I have no idea what they will expect of me. And I’m scared to death of falling by the wayside because some snot-nosed graduate is better than me in theory.

In cases like these I guess I should become more like Mr P. He takes life’s knocks in stride. Potter along here, do something there, earn a bit of bucks any way he can. Then again, it’s different for a bloke. People would not even take me seriously if I say I want to become a motor mechanic. Or a builder. Or even a plumber. In all my life, I have never seen a woman do those things. And I don’t suppose it’s because nobody wants to, it’s just  because people think you’re crazy to want to do manual labour. They prefer their females in high heels and stockings behind a desk.

Was bragging about Mr P today to a woman at work. The wine snob. From Stellenbosch. Tells her he knows who Gustav Klimt is. And how rare it is that a man knows who Gustav Klimt is. And she looks at me as if I’ve grown a second head. Not because she was surprised at what the bloke knows, but because she was surprised that I knew the artist. Since I don’t drink wine, I don’t go to hoity-toity spots, and I answer a telephone for a living, I’m automatically dense and completely disinterested in the world around me?

Some people are exactly that. I know a good many of them. It just goes to show. Don’t judge. You don’t have all the facts, almost none of the info you need. Don’t judge what you can know nothing about.

Oh yes. Before I forget. Tomorrow is the eldest’s  24th b day. And he’s invites us all for brunch on Sunday. I completely forgot about the brunch, so made plans with Mr P to make cement orbs to put on the pavement. When I was reminded about the brunch on Sunday by the kid in question, I put it to Mr P that I will have to go to this, no question about it. So, I asked if he think he could handle it. The answer? Beyond my wildest fantasies, he did not even hesitate to say yes. Reckons he can then meet them all in one swoop. This guy is just racking up the brownie points.

And I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop. What is going to come out that will tarnish him? That will make all the brownie points null and void? And if nothing like it ever happens, what the hell then? Does it mean I’ve really found a good fit? And above all. Will I be able to go the distance? What if he’s my perfect fit and I’m not his?

Fuck!!!

This is even worse than being alone!!

Strangely enough, my gut is as calm as Lake Placid sans the crocodile. The butterflies that’s in there has nothing to do with anxiety, and everything to do with the man’s aura so to speak. The way he sees the world, both through his eyes and through his camera lens is one that I could live in. And I’m likely thinking myself into a knot for nothing. It’s not even been a week yet – anything can still happen. We still talk though. The whole day and the whole night. All the time.

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is a very good sign!!

I’m off to dancing again tonight – hope your evening or day or afternoon or whatever you’re busy with holds only good thing.

And do spare a thought for Huntmode. She’s just lost her Claire, and since I now know just how wrenching that can be, I think good thoughts will go a long way. I’m with you in Spirit P!!

 

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29 comments on “On thinking…

  1. Good luck with the interview. Happy birthday to your eldest. Enjoy the dancing…for all the rest of the thoughts, judging… poof!! Another thought, judgement will replace them, lol. It’s what we do, us thinking machines. Throw some chocolate or serotonin producing food into your system and watch what you think next, lol.

    • Got the chocolate ready P, and tonight I’m eating hot dogs 😉
      Everything else will fall into place as it should – I must just stand firm and believe.

  2. Lovely bit of writing, 68. Happy birthday to your eldest, and I think Mr P sounds like the best fit you’ve come across in ages. 🙂 Good luck with the test on Friday and think positive. xx

  3. G, good thoughts, OHM….. Shanti… I really like the way you handle things, g. 24 eh? Good age for a wine. A thought, when do we get to meet Mr. P?

    • Dunno when you guys are going to meet Mr P Perpetua – hopefully soon! I’ll work on getting some pics this weekend to show you 😉

  4. Ah, J – you unmanned me by your lovely postscript. Thank you and for the supportive inquires via email.

    I say, doubts are always there and never more so than when it is really good. Enjoy Mr. P. Remember that song – I think, Billy Joel, where he or she was going to go for it even if it didn’t last forever. As to the interview, you’ve got history of always rising to the latest program – remember that! And, you had plans to do something with concrete together?! As to whether women can do the typical male fields – honey…. come on – if you love it and can render good reliable service, they will come and, as always, remember “Fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke.” Love HuntMode

    • Hope you’re doing better today P.
      I am indeed enjoying him – a breath of fresh air indeed!! Astonishingly so!!
      As for the rest. What needs to happen, will. Al can only hope and believe,,,

  5. All those thoughts are natural, the mind runs away with all the what if’s, I do it myself so many times, what if this, what if that and yet nothing has even happened yet. Sometimes things are just out of your control, try and go with the flow.

  6. I know some cool women who do the following jobs:
    bus driver
    taxi driver
    plumber
    carpenter
    tree surgeon
    bricklayer
    🙂 🙂
    Re Office/admin/computer jobs — many prefer to employ people with plenty of work experience, rather than graduates with academic qualificatios and no work experience.

    This fellow of yours sounds most promising.

    • This is Africa Sarah. All those jobs are being performed by black men for the most part – just the way it’s always been, and probably will continue to be.
      As for the experience, you would not think it. They’re wanting degrees for the stupidest things nowadays. Probably only here where people are still in awe of any kind of degree, no matter how worthless…

      • Well, here it has zip to do with color and more a way to screen – at 50, I went back and got my Bachelor degree and, I liked it so much, I went on to get my Master’s… and, I do believe I’m older than you, Ms. J. 🙂

      • Yes, you are Ms. P 😉
        Alas, I have not the capital to study, otherwise I would have done that a long time ago…

  7. Ah, I thought that, too. Then I learned about student loans. Mind, this is the U.S., but the schools I went to have students from all over the world. Maybe we should talk via our emails?

    • I was talking to Mr P last night about studying again. University study here in SA is very expensive. Not only that, study loans are only given with certain criteria in place. I have not done the math just yet, but regardless of how I work it, how cheap or expensive it is, I have to have a job as some kind of means to pay everything while I study. That’s the bottom line. Kind of a catch 22 situation…

      • That is exactly what I thought – however, when they calculate the loans, they calculate living expenses as well. It sounded like I had to pay my share immediately, but in fact, no, I didn’t. Mind, I don’t recommend debt. I will say I got my BA in nine months using exams that test your knowledge. On a pass/fail basis, if you pass, you do not have to take the class. As I recall, I took 21 of those exams. 🙂

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