Unsettled.

Everything is.

My Old Man is no more. I could not stand by while he went. I was not strong enough for that.

The vet took good care of him. Very sympathetic, understanding. did not think me weak for crying as much as I did.

I’m still crying.

He got into the car, no problem. Had his last sniff. Even got a few last compliments because, even while old, he was still a handsome gent. And a gentleman to the end.

Such a dignified guy was my Sash.

I have to thank you guys for the support I’ve been getting through this whole thing. It has made the world of difference.

Poor Cujo is sitting outside, quite forlornly. His tormentor is not there anymore. All that’s left if his collar and his bowl.

My back is just getting worse – I even slept with the corset last night, and have gone to get some really serious pain meds. I did indeed not go dancing last night. Spent the evening in a warm bath – only thing that seems to somewhat help with the pain.

All this will pass. All I will have left will be memories. And I sometimes wish I could even remove that from my brain. Will make things so much easier if I could just live in oblivion.

Alas, I can not. I have to live with all these things. I will remember them when I’m at my lowest. They will bring me down when I’m at my highest.

One has to wonder why. Why go through all this? Every time? Putting yourself on the line. Sure, there are good things. Unfortunately, in situations like this, you never seem to remember the good things. Just the pain and he heart ache. the never ending messy emotions.

On days like today, I wish I had somebody that could just be there for me. Hold me close. Say it will be all right. Even if it is a lie.

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31 comments on “Unsettled.

  1. I know exactly what you are going through as I have been through similar four times. Best I can say in sharing in your loss is cry and cry your heart out it helps to get over it and then you will have all those lovely memories to cherish.

    • I’ve cried more this week than I have in the previous 3 years chickpea – my eyes feel like they’re covered in sand.
      Thanks for the hugs…

  2. I’ve been there four times too, spaced over the years. There’s no shame in crying. I consider our pets part of our family, a personality in our lives. Take as much time as you need. It’s the only way.

    Sorry your back isn’t better.

    • I’ve cried so much this past week Tess. My eyes are all swollen. And I suppose I will cry some more before this is entirely over.
      Thanks for the support – it helps a lot!

  3. Oh honey, There’s nothing easy about these difficult times. Nothing easy about suffering, emotionally or physically. But, let me say this to respond to what you wrote, “Why go through it all?” What choice is there? This life, this incredible experience, this rollercoaster ride, may be a one time event. I don’t know who or what is at the wheel of it all but there are so many miracles out there to be had; that our hearts beat 24/7, that we give off carbon dioxide to keep plants alive and their thank you is oxygen back to us, that we get to meet cyber friends-people we don’t know, have never seen-and connect with our hearts like family even in the sorrow, crying, grief, even with all of that this connection and the energy we share together. There’s nothing I can do to change your experience but if my words, the energy I send to you, does change something then hey, that’d be terrific, but I can’t hold out any expectation that I have any power to do anything other than just speak to you from my heart. Sorry this is so long, I hate to log other’s sites but if I were there, sitting with you, I’d probably be blabbing all this as well. Everything passes, the bad, the good, the boring, it all passes, but somewhere in there is something seeing that. Sharing your tears. Love, Paulette

    • Thank you so much P.
      You’re right, Everything does eventually pass. and I must not begrudge myself the lows, without it I can’t experience the highs either.
      Today has not been a good day, but it only lasts 24 hours. Tomorrow thing will be different again, I will begin to accept and get used to the emptyness.
      Thanks for your kind words Paulette. They do mean so much to me!

  4. We put ourselves through it because we would be lesser people without dogs for our companions. Will continue to do so, myself, even if I create the equivalent of a lake of tears in my lifetime. Compare this lake to all the laughter and smiles dogs manage to squeeze out of us, even when people can do nothing to raise our spirits.
    Just in case you’ve never read Senator George Vest’s speech “A Tribute to a Dog”, you can find it in this article at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_Graham_Vest

    • I read the speech. Such true words. And a truth we often take for granted.
      Thanks Sarah – I will always miss the old man, but I know it will become easier to accept the loss as time goes by.
      Thanks for your kind words – they mean a lot to me.

  5. Hello you
    Remember when you get days like this
    You have still got special friends like me
    Not forgetting your amazing fan club
    There all kind of special and wonderful
    And Special just like you
    Have a special weekend
    β•”β•—
    ║║╔═╦╦╦═╗*. . *
    β•‘β•šβ•£β•‘β•‘β•‘β•‘β•©β•£* Danielβ€’*´¨`*β€’
    β•šβ•β•©β•β•©β•β•©β•β•.*.*

    • You are a special friend D, and I thank you for your kind words.
      And this tune rocks!!
      Hope your weekend is a good one so far πŸ™‚

  6. =/ So sorry you are going through this!

    After reading some of your posts though it’s easy to see how strong you are so I hope the pain will numb itself over time.

    Hang in there, and never be afraid to let your emotions out, doesn’t matter what the world thinks…Because only you know what you are going through.

    -Hugz- =]

    • Such kind words. Have to say, I don’t feel very strong right this minute, but I suppose nothing lasts forever, and this will be another experience to add to the current repertoire.
      Thanks for your kind words and the read – much appreciated!!

  7. J, sent you another email. About 9:30 p.m. your time. Hope you are in a very hot bath for your back. We all enter into this agreement with our pets – some have the courage to keep the agreement – and we gather together when one of us has to follow through. Never easy – it is not meant to be easy on the heart, though the actual deed is mercifully quick. We’re here and will continue to be. HuntMode

    • The hot bath is waiting for me as we speak πŸ™‚
      As for the agreement – my brain knows it was the best course of action for both of us, but my heart insists that I’m a traitor to his unconditional love.
      Thanks for being there for me P – it means so much!

      • J, that was your unconditional love in action – no matter what it cost you, you stood by him. Enjoy the bath – may it help your back and, as you said, the meds your ability to sleep. Best ~ HuntMode

      • Thanks P.
        Out of the bath now – back does feel less twingy – will have to see what it does when I wake up in the morning!!
        You are appreciated…

  8. Ghia, because I have suffered the pain you are now suffering, I have (since we adopted our sweet ‘Sweetie’ dog) been very conscious that she will ‘leave us’ one day. I’m hoping that when that awful day comes my ‘mental preparations’ will assist me. They probably will not; though, of course I’m hoping they will.
    Cry and grieve. Cry and grieve. That’s the best that any of us can do. It only confirms the fact that you are one compassionate woman. My heart sends love and understanding…….

    • I don’t think any amount of mental preparation can ever shield you from this Carol. The brain knows what’s right. The heart insists on telling you a different story.
      The tears are sitting just behind my eyes – I had to feed only on dog this morning – my garden is empty.
      Thanks for the love and understanding C – it means a lot to me!!
      xx

  9. Hi g, see all these people who care about. I too have this awful pain that reiminds me that i am still alive. You are right, it will pass. Take care, sweets. P

    • Thanks P – I know it will get better as time goes by, and you’re right. The pain always reminds us of not only the bad, but also the good.because you can’t have the one without the other.

  10. We are all shedding tears with you Ghia. There are people who think that pets can and sometimes do reincarnate, reappearing in your life. I experienced this, once only. But it is a comforting thought for me.

    • Thanks for feeling my sadness Footsy. It’s a difficult road to walk.
      I can only hope my old man gets a second lease on life – he was such a tuned in dog. always just knew what was needed.

  11. I really like footsy’s idea, and hope it’s true. You must be really missing Sasha.I remember when my cat Joey was run over. I kept hearing her and feeling her brushing against my legs for a long time after. Hugs to you.

    • I never thought I would miss him as much as I do AD. When I got home this afternoon from work, he was not waiting for me in front of the gate. I keep on wanting to go and get him back…
      Thanks for the hugs though
      xx

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