Thirteen years ago…



Thirteen years ago, I was a young pup. I was strong, bouncy, full of life.

I played and I ate and I barked and slept. I grew every day. My feet were too big for my body, but I grew still.

I turned into a handsome young fella. With eyes and ears that missed nothing. I saw strangers at the gate and I let my mistress know through my bark what kind of stranger it was. I knew friend from foe.

Then, we moved house. My mistress was very sad. She cried all the time. I knew the kind of sadness she had was bone deep. I realised that it could not be soothed by my jumping and running. so I just sat with her, quiet-like. Just let her know I’m there. I could not speak to her, or wipe the tears from her face, but she held me. She cried into my neck, my fur wet with her sadness. I let her. See, it was my job to be there for her, in any way she needed me.

The years moved along, as years do. We added a rascal to the family – these days I can see he’s straining at the bit to become the alpha dog… Just a while young pup. You’ll get your chance anon. Just hang in there. We lost a few members. Patrash and Morgan that was poisoned and buried in the back garden where they could always be close.

And then the infernal cats my mistress insisted on having around. Well, I saw to them chop-chop! Can’t have these wily felines all over the place, I will not tolerate that!! Alas, these days, I’m not as quick as I once was. Can’t seem to garner the energy needed to get these old bones riled up because of a feline. Easier to just let them be, albeit with a glare in their direction every so often.

Mind you, these days, everything is slowing down. I can’t seem to do as much as I could. And my hips just does not want to play the game. Always giving out at the most inopportune moments! I can’t walk as fast as I once could. Can’t run, and jumping, well forget about that! I’ve been steadily going deaf this past year or so. And I can’t see as well as I could. I miss those days.

The days when I was a handsome dog, alert to any and all, able to protect my mistress and my pad with everything I had. The days we could still go for a walk, and I could sniff every letter left me by all the other neighbourhood dogs. The times when I could still hear the noise on those few nights of the year when humans seemingly go mad. My mistress would let me lie next to her chair, keeping me safe for a change.

I know my mistress is sad at seeing me deteriorate. I can see it in her eyes when she’s close enough. I feel it in her touch. Almost reverent. Her thank you for all the years I’ve been there for her. A thank you for all the alone time she’s had to endure with only my company.

I know she feels that she’s letting me down by making the decision to end my life. I wish I could tell her that it’s all right. That I’ve had a good life. That she’s done me well by keeping me with her. That making me suffer the way I am now is worse for both of us. I know she hurts every time I lose my balance. I know she feels sorry for what I’ve turned into in my old age.

I also know that she loves me. That I’ve become a big part of her life, and with me gone, there will be an empty space that will always belong to me and only me.

It’s OK mistress. you can let me go. I’m ready…



This then a good bye to my Old Man, Sasha. He’s been a good companion for me for the past thirteen years. I just can’t bear seeing him like he is now. He used to be so strong and able and agile. Now he’s but a shadow of that handsome fella. I saw blood in his stool on Tuesday. I think it would be better for me to end both our suffering now, while there’s still something to be salvaged, both for him and myself.

So, come Saturday morning, we will all load him in the car and go to the vet. I will get back his ashes, and I will plant a bright yellow rose on the ashes. A better friend I will go far to find.

60 comments on “Thirteen years ago…

  1. Oh my heart is breaking for you. And, my heart is grateful you had this handsome fury family member for all those years, and loved each other well. Holding you in my heart through this journey, that is never easy. I understand. Paulette

    • And now I’m crying again Paulette. He was such a special guy, and I will miss him like you can’t believe.
      Thanks for understanding. It’s good to know that I’m not alone in this…

      • I more than understand this. I lost my beloved Dude this past fall. Did a post on it too. I just look at it as God taking back his pup he loaned me, and loaning me new pups. I now have Bill Willy, B.W. and Tula.

      • Not a good thing to have to go through Sir. Not at all.
        Still, I suppose it’s part of life, and we just have to get through it as best we can…

  2. Oh hun. I know there is not much I can say or do to let you know that you will be in my heart and prayers.
    Many many virtual hugs from me to you.

  3. Oh, J. What a moving piece and you and your special bud speak for all of us. It is such a hard decision but you and he know what is best. They always let us know. Spoil that baby and yourself. We’ll be here, thinking of you and knowing the loss and the gift you are able to give him. Best ~ HuntMode

    • It is quite like losing a part of your life. My poor old man – I’m going to miss him.
      Thanks for the hugs Inga – going to need them!!

  4. If there’s ever a day for letting the guy have all the chocolate and ice cream he wants, it’s before that last car ride…

    He protected you, but you’ve always been the one in charge of his well-being…this is the final task of that charge, and although it hurts, you’re doing it for the right reasons! All of us that have had to put down a pet are there with you – emphasize the love over the pain, that’s all your sweet creature knows.

    • I did just that – not chocolate, but tinned food. Just as a treat these last few days. I will give him biscuits tonight and tomorrow night, and then it’s farewell…
      I phone d the vet this morning – the woman answering the phone almost cried with me!!
      And you’re right. It does hurt. More than I thought it would.

  5. I’m so sorry for you. It must be really breaking your heart to have to do this, and say goodbye to such a loyal companion. Tight hugs to you and Sasha.

  6. Darn, and darn some more, Ghia…
    Words are hard to find, at the moment… Losing an animal friend is so hard. They deserve so much; what great companions they are…

    • They do deserve the earth and the moon Carol – they are that precious.
      All I can say is that he’s had a good life, and made mine better by being there for me.
      and now we have to say good bye – going to be a sad day.

  7. Oh, dear. I’ve had to make that choice a couple of times now. Losing a best friend is hard but loving him enough to stop the pain is a gift. Like the old man said he’s had a good life and understands.

    • I still feel guilty for making that decision Tess. Almost like you would when switching off life support machines. Kind of like, he’s a burden to me now, so he has to go. But I can’t see him suffer like this anymore. It breaks my heart every time he falls.
      So it has to be done, and I’m the only one that can make that decision.

  8. I am so very sorry, I had to put my girl down unexpectedly a little over a month ago, I miss her so much. It does get better with time, but it sounds like you know that. I wish you the best.

    • Time heals all wounds, and scars will form, but it’s never a happy day when it does arrive.
      I came home last night, and he was lying in front of the gate, waiting for me…
      I cried. Think I will be crying for a while after this, but hey – life goes on.

  9. Good-morning you
    I am so sorry your losing your friend
    My heart goes out to you
    I suddenly lost my friend in 1998
    In different circumstances
    I will always love her
    Maybe Iโ€™ll find her one day?
    I never give up looking?
    My hospital appointment went well yesterday
    I have to use a walking stick now which is a little embarrassing
    As i am such a proud person
    And the fishing is today at St Earth as my appointment
    Was longer then i anticipated
    Have a beautiful day
    โ•‘โ•‘โ•”โ•โ•ฆโ•ฆโ•ฆโ•โ•—*. . *
    โ•‘โ•šโ•ฃโ•‘โ•‘โ•‘โ•‘โ•ฉโ•ฃ* Daniel x โ€ข*ยดยจ`*โ€ข

    • Walking sticks can be very distinguished – just look at House ๐Ÿ˜‰ And you can use them to trip people ๐Ÿ™‚
      As for my old friend, yes, not a nice thing to have to do, and I feel bad for making the decision. But, can’t stop time from happening. And he will always be a part of my life ๐Ÿ™‚
      Thanks for the tune D – hope your day is just as beautiful!!!

  10. Pets become part of the family, it is sad to see them go from young, full of energy animals to shadows of their former selves ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

  11. This is part of the price we have to pay for the privilege of such companionship. It seems a heavy price – but it is the tiniest fraction compared with the joy we have been given. Therefore we should pay it gladly, and cherish the incalculably valuable memories we get in return.

    • It is a heavy price Col. One that’s been weighing on my conscience like an anvil.
      But, this is the last service I can do for him, and I must do it, nobody else can.
      and yes. there will always be memories.

    • Col, you said what I wish I had had the words to say. Thank you. And, Ghia, no guilt, you are not turning your back on your friend, you are being the friend he needs now. My heart is with you today, Saturday and the coming days when the house will echo and the gate will feel empty. When you are ready, another friend will arrive. That is speaking from years of experience. HuntMode

  12. It’s the day we never want to think about, but a mercy humans are not often afforded. Sasha sounds a wonderful companion. My heart goes out to you both.

    • Thanks for the sympathy wishes Kate. He’s been gone almost a week now, and the gap in my life is very fresh.
      But I suppose time will heal this eventually…

  13. Oh dear. I feel for you. That terrible decision time with dogs. Such a lovely tribute to your old fellow, Sasha. I went all weepy when I read it. But it is good we can prevent dogs suffering needlessly at the end. When my 17 year-old Labrador died, the house felt so empty, especially when I used to come in from having been out and there was always a doggy face to greet me. It’s good that you have other pets to love and comfort you. I lasted three months without a dog. Couldn’t stand it.

    Will be thinking of you on Saturday. Meanwhile, sending you a big hug xoxo

    • You’re right – he will always be there.
      But everything feels so unsettled now!
      Thanks for the read and the comment – I just love the things you come up with in your blog!

    • He has indeed been through a lot with me chickpea. And he never ridiculed or chastised me, was always just the good, kind old gentleman he always was.

  14. I’m still hurting for you. I just can’t respond as quickly as I could. G, really sorry for your lost. Memories of our dog came flashing back. Take care.

  15. Such a moving post J. I’m a little late with my comment but I hope you find peace in knowing that you had such a beautiful and loyal companion, Sasha.

    • Thanks K – he was a lovely old fellow. I still miss him every day, but I know he’s better off not having to suffer so much anymore.

  16. Hunt, I sit here with tears in my eyes as I read this, The courage displayed by both you and Sasha was amazing, the love you shared something to behold. The knowledge that you did what you had to do, Big hugs, you are quite wonderful. Take care, Bill

    • Ghia, you’ll come to this six months after the fact and find my friend, Bill’s comment above. He followed a link from mine when I reblogged your beautiful words. xxoo HuntMode

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