One of my cousins on Facebook is a laypreacher. With his own congregation, and a very deep seated set of beliefs. He always ends off his FB status updates with the words – “I’m A, and I’m second”
Missive : Describe your ultimate escape plan (and tell us what you’re escaping from).
Reason I started off my post with the lines I have. I screwed up at work today. Don’t suppose it’s really that major, but the bosses I have seems to have two settings – mellow and overdrive. Nothing inbetween. It will run smoothly until you inadvertantly ruffle a feather somewhere and then all hell breaks loose. Not so cool.
With the result, in my current fragile hormonal state, that I’m feeling the secondness of my life that much more clearly.
Being second to G-d – not a problem. He’s been with me all this time. If not, I would likely already have crashed and burned. For that matter, I might still do that, because I’m still trying to solve everything myself.
Can you blame me for wanting to escape? Escape from daily drudgery. Escape from the very alone life I lead. Note, I said alone, not lonely. Because I don’t really feel as if I miss people, or even a person.
What I do miss is being a part of something. As things stand now, I’m just an SP – Spare person. Somebody going on leave? Let me fill in. Somebody sick? Let me fill in. Need directions? Ask me. Need a shoulder to cry on? Use mine. Need an ear to hear your problems? I’m listening. Mostly I can handle it. Even makes me proud to deal with all the crap that gets thrown my way and finding a way out of the mire.
Not today though.
Today I want to empty my bank account. I want to have crisp notes in my pocket. Pack 3 sets of summer clothes, 3 sets of winter clothes. Won’t fill up the car – just going to drive it to the closest informal settlement and set it alight – if I can find some bones, or possibly an already dead person, so much the better – will look as if I got hijacked and burnt to a crisp. I’ll have to leave my gorgeous phone behind and that would be a wrench. Or maybe I’ll just get a different simcard, one that can’t be traced to me.
I’ll take a bus to somewhere. Maybe Malawi. Or Egypt. They won’t find me there. Maybe I’ll hitch-hike to Zanzibar. Open a little beach thing there.
The authorities will think I’m dead, so my kids will at least have some kind of legacy. The randoms that’s forever irritating me won’t even know I’m gone. My dude will not see a post from me because 68Ghia will also be gone.
What am I escaping from?
Life mostly. The one I currently lead is becoming too much for me to bear. The stuff heaping on my shoulders are becoming heavier as time goes by. Every month I’m less able to handle it.
Would I really escape though? I know I won’t. I will take myself with me, wherever I go.
My children will weigh the heaviest – how can I just leave them? What kind of mother just leaves he kids, regardless of how big they are, or how little they still need her?
Apparently I won’t be able to escape.
Does not stop me from dreaming of an alternate reality, a parallel universe, where, even if the grass is not greener, at least there will be grass. And not a termite ridden expanse of mud. A time and place where I made different choices. Walked a different path. Became a different person.
So much I could have done with this prompt, and I chose the most morbid route I could find. Sorry for that folks – today is just not as good a day as it might have been.
Let’s all hope tomorrow is a better one.
For now, Bonne nuit, long days and pleasant nights…