I’m second.

One of my cousins on Facebook is a laypreacher. With his own congregation, and a very deep seated set of beliefs. He always ends off his FB status updates with the words – “I’m A, and I’m second”

Daily prompt.

More entries.

Missive : Describe your ultimate escape plan (and tell us what you’re escaping from).

Reason I started off my post with the lines I have. I screwed up at work today. Don’t suppose it’s really that major, but the bosses I have seems to have two settings – mellow and overdrive. Nothing inbetween. It will run smoothly until you inadvertantly ruffle a feather somewhere and then all hell breaks loose. Not so cool.

With the result, in my current fragile hormonal state, that I’m feeling the secondness of my life that much more clearly.

Being second to G-d – not a problem. He’s been with me all this time. If not, I would likely already have crashed and burned. For that matter, I might still do that, because I’m still trying to solve everything myself.

Can you blame me for wanting to escape? Escape from daily drudgery. Escape from the very alone life I lead. Note, I said alone, not lonely. Because I don’t really feel as if I miss people, or even a person.

What I do miss is being a part of something. As things stand now, I’m just an SP – Spare person. Somebody going on leave? Let me fill in. Somebody sick? Let me fill in. Need directions? Ask me. Need a shoulder to cry on? Use mine. Need an ear to hear your problems? I’m listening. Mostly I can handle it. Even makes me proud to deal with all the crap that gets thrown my way and finding a way out of the mire.

Not today though.

Today I want to empty my bank account. I want to have crisp notes in my pocket. Pack 3 sets of summer clothes, 3 sets of winter clothes. Won’t fill up the car – just going to drive it to the closest informal settlement and set it alight – if I can find some bones, or possibly an already dead person, so much the better – will look as if I got hijacked and burnt to a crisp. I’ll have to leave my gorgeous phone behind and that would be a wrench. Or maybe I’ll just get a different simcard, one that can’t be traced to me.

I’ll take a bus to somewhere. Maybe Malawi. Or Egypt. They won’t find me there. Maybe I’ll hitch-hike to Zanzibar. Open a little beach thing there.

The authorities will think I’m dead, so my kids will at least have some kind of legacy. The randoms that’s forever irritating me won’t even know I’m gone. My dude will not see a post from me because 68Ghia will also be gone.

What am I escaping from?

Life mostly. The one I currently lead is becoming too much for me to bear. The stuff heaping on my shoulders are becoming heavier as time goes by. Every month I’m less able to handle it.

Would I really escape though? I know I won’t. I will take myself with me, wherever I go.

My children will weigh the heaviest – how can I just leave them? What kind of mother just leaves he kids, regardless of how big they are, or how little they still need her?

Apparently I won’t be able to escape.

Does not stop me from dreaming of an alternate reality, a parallel universe, where, even if the grass is not greener, at least there will be grass. And not a termite ridden expanse of mud. A time and place where I made different choices. Walked a different path. Became a different person.

So much I could have done with this prompt, and I chose the most morbid route I could find. Sorry for that folks – today is just not as good a day as it might have been.

Let’s all hope tomorrow is a better one.

For now, Bonne nuit, long days and pleasant nights…

 

 

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23 comments on “I’m second.

    • Even the dancing was not enough to lift me last night Carol – just goes to show how deep the hole really was!!
      But you are correct – everything does pass, this will too!!

    • death is the only true escape – and even then you have to pay the piper.
      suppose the only thing for it is to take what I have and do the best I can with it…
      Thanks for the good wishes Paulette 😉

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  3. Must be something in the air because the past 3 days I’ve been having the same kinds of thoughts. Until this morning when I decided: Vooruit dan nou maar weer. And I chose (again) to make a difference to my own life, no matter how insignificant it may seem to others – my life and the things I do. So, I didn’t become famous or wealthy or happily married like some friends and acquaintances. So what. This is still the only life I’ve got – might as well make the most of it. Chin up Ghia & good luck. Good days, bad days…

    • You’re right – good days and bad days – will always have those 😉
      Maybe it’s the change of season. Moving into the greyness of winter or some such.
      onwards, as you say, yet again!

  4. I agree with brieweuitdievreemde re something in the air – I double-checked – we had a full moon on 3/27 and entered the last quarter on 4/2. The moon controls the tides, and we are composed of about 60% water (depends on fitness, age, sex). People become more sensitive and emotional during a full moon – police depts always put more cops out on the streets during a full moon – so, to be hormonal and coming off a full moon – it is easy to succumb to stuff you might shrug off at other times. Hang in there, J, even if by fingernails and toes. As you know, this will pass. Dancing will be fun again. We would miss you. P

    • Thanks P!! Good to know somebody would miss me ;-
      Let me tell you what briewe uit die vreemde means – letters from the unknown. That’s probably the closest translation I could give you.
      And thanks for the reasoning behind my silliness – I will be using it in future 😉

  5. Ah! Thanks for the translation – has a mysterious beauty to it. You were not being silly, J. There are just days we take ourselves far more seriously than is warranted. Look at me! 🙂

  6. I often see life as a series of cages. You escape from one, only to find yourself in another. Some cages are larger and in the light, some are poky and in the dark. Once, when feeling sorry to myself, I said to myself, that person has rescued me from one cage to put me in another and I feel like a nightingale he only gets out to sing when it pleases him to hear her.
    Us girls do really have bad days, weeks, sometimes many bad years, and hormones don’t help.
    I’d love you to be able to escape. Couldn’t you persuade your big children to come with you?

    • That would be the ultimate Sarah 😉
      Suppose, maybe, one day, they’ll be successful men in their own right and then mom can ride the wave with them, but for now I suppose we’ll just have to play the hand life has dealt us…

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