Here I am, wide awake. Again at the ass crack of dawn. On a Sunday no less.
The air is chilly – not quite frosty, but with a definite nip in it – a forewarning of the much colder days to come.
The plan was to go to the Exclusive books warehouse sale this morning early. And then life intruded on my plans.
The old man has some kind of malady. Seems to be completely off balance. Since he’s 13 years old at least, I have to now decide if it will be money well spent on fixing whatever’s wrong, if it can be fixed, or if it will be better to let him go gently into that good night.
He was fine yesterday morning. And then, all of a sudden, no balance. Falls over his own feet, sort of listing to the one side, acting like a drunk person. Not nice to see him like this – my once proud old man, the ruler of the roost, killer of cats, defender of all he saw – weaving and waving like a drunken sailor, incapable of defending his territory anymore.
It’s probably best to let him go – don’t want him to suffer needlessly, and I think, even if he has no physical pain, the defeat he might experience, the mental anguish that might be present in not being able to do what he once could, to not be the alpha dog anymore, might be an even bigger suffering that just physical pain.
I think that’s what old age does to us. You remember what you once could do. You remember the invigorating feelings you got from accomplishing unimaginable feats. And now? Now your body does not listen to you. Your hips tend to be sure after you sat for too long. Your back gives a twinge when you bend incorrectly. Your eyes fail you. Even your ears. It becomes harder to hear things as clearly as you did while young. Laughter surrounds you when you try to read without your glasses. And in some cases, even your mind fails you, making you less of a person, more of a child, having to be cleaned and fed and clothed like a baby.
I’m hoping that I will be gone before that becomes the case. I can probably handle the physical ailments. But I don’t think I’ll be ab;e to handle becoming a burden to those I love. To become a child to be stored in some facility. I would want to be euthenased should that be the case.
And I’m thinking that might be the more humane thing to do for my old man. No need me being selfish and keeping him here while he’s suffering without words, trying to tell me that he’s hurting, and me just ignoring him because I don’t want him gone from my life. It’s not fair towards him, and no way to repay him for all the good he’s done in my life.
The fact that I will be left behind, trying to deal with not having him around anymore, never hearing his visitors bark again, or see his sweet face waiting for me at the gate, or have him lay in my study, or under my chair on a rainy evening, that’s besides the point.
I once saw a little thing on FB – I will not be around forever, so let me love you as long as I am there. And that he did. And I will miss that love, but I will always remember it.
So much for a peaceful long weekend, eh!!
Anyhow. Hope yours is less eventful 😉