Wasn’t going to…

…but here I am.

Daily prompt.

More entries.

Missive : You have the choice to erase one incident from your past, as though it never happened. What would you erase and why?

We all have things in our past that we’d rather forget. Things we cringe when thinking of it. Be it the spill you had when you tried something stupid, or the boy you kissed behind the pavilion at school.

Some things are bigger than that. Maybe you killed somebody’s dog. Or you stole somebody’s boyfriend. Or something from a shop.

Some might think that I would think my marriage and it’s inevitable demise as something I’d like to undo. In thinking that though, I’d be negating my kids. The life I have now. The place I live in, the things I know.

So, no. My marriage is not something I necessarily want to remove. It has shaped me into what I am today, and even though I might not be the world’s best-adjusted person, I’m managing life on a relatively even keel.

In this regard though – something you would like to remove from your memory banks, wipe off the face of the earth, sling into a vacuum, never to be thought of again, one thing jumps to mind.

The biggest mistake I’ve ever made – and I’ve made many!!!

I listened to a friend against my better judgement. I let her talk me into thinking I would be treated as something worth while. I let the lure of more money bedazzle me into giving up my security, my future. I gambled my whole life on something I heard. Something I dearly wanted to believe in.

What happened? 30 days later I was fired. I was discarded like yesterday’s rubbish. I put my whole life on a platter for these people and what did they do with it? They pissed on it. And me.

It’s been 2 years and I’m still reeling from that setback.

Can I take it back? Nope, I can not. Can I blame them? Nope, not really. Do I forgive? Sure I can. We’re all just people – some are users, some are used. Has it changed me? For sure. Something like that changes your perceptions about people – I look at them through clear glass now, instead of the slightly rose tinted outlook I had before. What happened two years ago has probably been the deciding factor in me letting people into my life or not. And, for the most part, I’ve decided against.

When I say I don’t have friends, I’m being completely honest. I’m not counting the random dogs sniffing around my skirts as friends – they are just more users and I’ve decided against being used – by anybody for anything. I don’t have people that will come around here for a quick coffee. Or people that invite me out for a morning of shop hopping with a coffee afterwards. Don’t have a bunch of people I can invite to any occasion I might like to have. Before the incident, I did have a few actual friends. Not that I lost them because of that, we’re still in some kind of communication. But I’ve removed myself from the equation for the most part.

I’ve just cut myself off from people. I’ve realised that my judgement may be sound but my soul is weak. Therefore – keep away. Don’t let anybody in. Don’t give them a chance to piss on me again.

All in all, a very deciding time in my life. It’s changed me – probably not for the better.

The people that were the cause of it – think it bothers them still? Probably not. Likely they’re still heaving a sigh of relief for not having to deal with me anymore. Has it affected their life quite as profoundly as it did mine? Probably not. Am I still giving them power over me by not being able to get away from it? Probably yes. I doubt that that will change anytime soon. In being as alone as I have been these past few years, I’ve learnt to be self reliant. Want coffee? Go and get it. See a movie? No problem. Want to celebrate your birthday? Just do it. Sure, it’s not the same as if is with people around you, but it’s safe. It’s comfortable. It’s controllable.

All things considered, if there’s one period of my life I would like to remove, it’s that one. Everything else has only helped me grow as a person, even though I was on the floor a few times. This one just brings me back to the ground time and again. I’t made me doubt myself. My abilities. My humanity. My personality. It has made me less than I’ve ever been. And it does that still.

Maybe one day I’ll be able to think back on those days and see the growth it has forced onto me. I’m not there yet.

Song has nothing to do with the post – was playing while I was spouting my angst-filled missive 😉


19 comments on “Wasn’t going to…

  1. Pingback: How To Live With Failure | The Jittery Goat

  2. Sorry to hear something in your life might be better undone.
    You are right, of course, about the marriage; it gave your boys to you. I feel the same way about my own without which I would have my daughter or grandkids.

    • The marriage was ill advised. My kids? My only reason for getting up most mornings.
      I suppose, one day I’ll be able to think back and be comfortable in the knowledge that everything happens for a reason, but that time is not there yet.

  3. For myself I found not to erase
    But be pure in heart and soul
    And praise and carry on loving the people I love
    For if I was misled or influenced in my past
    I had to be true to me and to all my amazing friends
    I had to be strong and be the person I am today
    To win the greatest gift of all
    Have a beautiful day tomorrow
    Daniel angel from Cape Cornwall

    • Unfortunately it was my supposed amazing friends that did this to me Daniel.
      I do suppose I will one learn what I was supposed to learn from this, but for now, it’s still too close – I can’t just let it be yet.
      Thanks for the comment and the wishes – hope your day is beautiful!

  4. We all regrets, and it doesn’t do to dwell on them. Nothing we can do about the past now, except to move on. I hope you can come to terms with what happened, and trust again.

    • I know why it happened. I might even know what lesson I had to learn from it…
      As for now, it’s still fresh, not easily forgotten. I’ll get there eventually.

  5. Pingback: Erasure | Cheri Speak

  6. I’m sorry you had to go through this experience, it sucks and sometimes you wonder how it is that you didn’t see what was coming but you didn’t and you can’t go back, only forward. I know how you feel because I experienced something similiar. But its upwards and onwards from here!

    • It’s strange that this one episode has stunted me to such an extent – I don’t know why. Probably because it was somebody I trusted.
      It’s still affecting me negatively, but I’m sure I might come right eventually. As you say, onwards!!

  7. I guess we need to unclutter stuff from our lives which no longer serve. But as we do this, we need to show our gratitude for the time when it did serve and support. What could you do to go forward?


    • I can not show gratitude ti what was done to me two years ago. It was even worse than my divorce. maybe, in another few years I might be able to look back on it and know what it taught me.
      For now, it’s a memory I don’t dwell on too often. My fragile psyche can’t quite handle it yet.
      I’m sure I’ll get past it eventually. I’m just not there yet.
      Thanks for the visit and the comment 😉

  8. Hugs J – I know of what you speak and I’m still upset with you how it all turned out :(. Just wish you could let go: tell yourself it made you so much stronger. Big hugs and love.

    • I can’t even read the post I did about it Di – it’s been the single most destructive experience of my life – and I’ve had a few hard ones.
      I have no idea why it has this effect on me.
      Maybe, in another ten year’s time I’ll think back and see how I became a better person because of it. I can only hope…

  9. Oh, honey … let people in – some are actually worth it! I promise 🙂 and yes, I am a couple days late on this prompt but wanted to see what other people wrote on the topic – love it if you had time to stop by my place 🙂

    • I read what you wrote, and you’re right. some good always comes out of every situation – good or bad.
      I’ve had many of those throughout my life, and I can see how they’ve shaped my life.
      But this one thing – it feels as if it broke something inside me. Some days I wish it was not broken. Want it to be whole again. Other days, I don’t want to fix it. Can’t see myself open myself to other people.
      Maybe, in ten years’ time, I’ll look back and see what good it has wrought.
      for now, I’m just trying to kind of circle the wagons, keep my fragile psyche as safe as I can – at least until I’m stronger, more able to deal with the users out there.
      Thanks for the comment – I appreciate it!

  10. Pingback: YOUR KIND OF LOVE ENDED TRUST FOR ME | hastywords

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