…but here I am.
Missive : You have the choice to erase one incident from your past, as though it never happened. What would you erase and why?
We all have things in our past that we’d rather forget. Things we cringe when thinking of it. Be it the spill you had when you tried something stupid, or the boy you kissed behind the pavilion at school.
Some things are bigger than that. Maybe you killed somebody’s dog. Or you stole somebody’s boyfriend. Or something from a shop.
Some might think that I would think my marriage and it’s inevitable demise as something I’d like to undo. In thinking that though, I’d be negating my kids. The life I have now. The place I live in, the things I know.
So, no. My marriage is not something I necessarily want to remove. It has shaped me into what I am today, and even though I might not be the world’s best-adjusted person, I’m managing life on a relatively even keel.
In this regard though – something you would like to remove from your memory banks, wipe off the face of the earth, sling into a vacuum, never to be thought of again, one thing jumps to mind.
The biggest mistake I’ve ever made – and I’ve made many!!!
I listened to a friend against my better judgement. I let her talk me into thinking I would be treated as something worth while. I let the lure of more money bedazzle me into giving up my security, my future. I gambled my whole life on something I heard. Something I dearly wanted to believe in.
What happened? 30 days later I was fired. I was discarded like yesterday’s rubbish. I put my whole life on a platter for these people and what did they do with it? They pissed on it. And me.
It’s been 2 years and I’m still reeling from that setback.
Can I take it back? Nope, I can not. Can I blame them? Nope, not really. Do I forgive? Sure I can. We’re all just people – some are users, some are used. Has it changed me? For sure. Something like that changes your perceptions about people – I look at them through clear glass now, instead of the slightly rose tinted outlook I had before. What happened two years ago has probably been the deciding factor in me letting people into my life or not. And, for the most part, I’ve decided against.
When I say I don’t have friends, I’m being completely honest. I’m not counting the random dogs sniffing around my skirts as friends – they are just more users and I’ve decided against being used – by anybody for anything. I don’t have people that will come around here for a quick coffee. Or people that invite me out for a morning of shop hopping with a coffee afterwards. Don’t have a bunch of people I can invite to any occasion I might like to have. Before the incident, I did have a few actual friends. Not that I lost them because of that, we’re still in some kind of communication. But I’ve removed myself from the equation for the most part.
I’ve just cut myself off from people. I’ve realised that my judgement may be sound but my soul is weak. Therefore – keep away. Don’t let anybody in. Don’t give them a chance to piss on me again.
All in all, a very deciding time in my life. It’s changed me – probably not for the better.
The people that were the cause of it – think it bothers them still? Probably not. Likely they’re still heaving a sigh of relief for not having to deal with me anymore. Has it affected their life quite as profoundly as it did mine? Probably not. Am I still giving them power over me by not being able to get away from it? Probably yes. I doubt that that will change anytime soon. In being as alone as I have been these past few years, I’ve learnt to be self reliant. Want coffee? Go and get it. See a movie? No problem. Want to celebrate your birthday? Just do it. Sure, it’s not the same as if is with people around you, but it’s safe. It’s comfortable. It’s controllable.
All things considered, if there’s one period of my life I would like to remove, it’s that one. Everything else has only helped me grow as a person, even though I was on the floor a few times. This one just brings me back to the ground time and again. I’t made me doubt myself. My abilities. My humanity. My personality. It has made me less than I’ve ever been. And it does that still.
Maybe one day I’ll be able to think back on those days and see the growth it has forced onto me. I’m not there yet.
Song has nothing to do with the post – was playing while I was spouting my angst-filled missive 😉