Not the kind you do with feet and running shoes.
The kind you do to try and get away from yourself.
The kind you do when your skin feels like it wants to crawl away from you.
The kind you do. Incomprehensibly , fruitlessly futile.
Tonight saw me going to my first group lesson and social dance class in quite a few years.
Not much has changed other than the colour of my hair and the size of my clothes.
I’m still a brilliant dancer, able to pick up steps in no time, almost perfect balance. My form was good, my steps fluid – absolutely loved it! I suppose he has to say it, but the little instructor dude said that I danced very well – a dance that I’ve never done before, and I managed it just fine. Think I can rightly be proud of myself on that one. Neither here nor there, I’m not quite blowing my own horn here – just stating facts as they occur.
Alas. I’m also still the person NOT being picked voluntarily for the practice sessions.
While the lesson was happening, it went OK – the instructor would make sure that nobody sits out.
And then the social started. It was not pretty. After the second time of sitting on the sidelines, I just upped and went.
And on the way home I was speeding. Dangerously so. Overtaking on blind rises, not using my brights, pushing my poor baby to his limits. Because I was trying to run away from myself.
Suffice to say I was not very successful on that score. But I tried. and as I was speeding smoothly along the dark and relatively quiet back roads a kind of peace came over me. A realisation that I don’t have to run away from myself. I should not even try. Firstly because it’s quite impossible, and secondly because I don’t need to. I don’t need to feel less just because some random people don’t want to dance with me. Maybe they want to, but my aura stops that from happening. Maybe they’re just as scared as I am of being rejected yet again. Maybe they’re daunted by the idea of dancing with somebody that clearly knows what they’re doing. I should not feel less just because I’ve not been able to find a partner in all my years of searching. I should not feel less because of what people say – that there’s something wrong with me. That I have too many “things” That I want too much. That I have a personal issue with men. That I loathe and despise them.
Sure. I do loathe and despise the lot I currently know. They have been nothing but bad choices right from the word go. My mistake that. One I plan to rectify immediately.
And yes, I’m sure you’re just about sick and tired of reading my constant lament about men and how I struggle with them. Bear with me a little longer. It would seem that I’m only now working through many of the things I buried a long time ago. And what better way to work through stuff than here, on my blog? Suppose I have to do something more airy and bright, but really. Not the way I feel right now. I don’t feel airy and bright. I feel dark and sorrowful. Not so much depressed as possibly heartsore. Just a general tiredness.
Tomorrow the sun will shine again. And I will continue my search. But for something else this time. For peace of mind. For just one piece of beauty in every day. For the next leg of my journey through life.
I’ll begin the search for the piece of me I seem to have lost along the way.
And, to usher this in, Mr Dave Brubeck. Because it’s just the most beautiful song ever. Can’t wait to dance properly to this tune…