Running.

Not the kind you do with feet and running shoes.

The kind you do to try and get away from yourself.

The kind you do when your skin feels like it wants to crawl away from you.

The kind you do. Incomprehensibly , fruitlessly futile.

Tonight saw me going to my first group lesson and social dance class in quite a few years.

Not much has changed other than the colour of my hair and the size of my clothes.

I’m still a brilliant dancer, able to pick up steps in no time, almost perfect balance. My form was good, my steps fluid – absolutely loved it! I suppose he has to say it, but the little instructor dude said that I danced very well – a dance that I’ve never done before, and I managed it just fine. Think I can rightly be proud of myself on that one. Neither here nor there, I’m not quite blowing my own horn here – just stating facts as they occur.

Alas. I’m also still the person NOT being picked voluntarily for the practice sessions.

While the lesson was happening, it went OK – the instructor would make sure that nobody sits out.

And then the social started. It was not pretty. After the second time of sitting on the sidelines, I just upped and went.

And on the way home I was speeding. Dangerously so. Overtaking on blind rises, not using my brights, pushing my poor baby to his limits. Because I was trying to run away from myself.

Suffice to say I was not very successful on that score. But I tried. and as I was speeding smoothly along the dark and relatively quiet back roads a kind of peace came over me. A realisation that I don’t have to run away from myself. I should not even try. Firstly because it’s quite impossible, and secondly because I don’t need to. I don’t need to feel less just because some random people don’t want to dance with me. Maybe they want to, but my aura stops that from happening. Maybe they’re just as scared as I am of being rejected yet again. Maybe they’reΒ Β daunted by the idea of dancing with somebody that clearly knows what they’re doing. I should not feel less just because I’ve not been able to find a partner in all my years of searching. I should not feel less because of what people say – that there’s something wrong with me. That I have too many “things” That I want too much. That I have a personal issue with men. That I loathe and despise them.

Sure. I do loathe and despise the lot I currently know. They have been nothing but bad choices right from the word go. My mistake that. One I plan to rectify immediately.

And yes, I’m sure you’re just about sick and tired of reading my constant lament about men and how I struggle with them. Bear with me a little longer. It would seem that I’m only now working through many of the things I buried a long time ago. And what better way to work through stuff than here, on my blog? Suppose I have to do something more airy and bright, but really. Not the way I feel right now. I don’t feel airy and bright. I feel dark and sorrowful. Not so much depressed as Β possibly heartsore. Just a general tiredness.

Tomorrow the sun will shine again. And I will continue my search. But for something else this time. For peace of mind. For just one piece of beauty in every day. For the next leg of my journey through life.

I’ll begin the search for the piece of me I seem to have lost along the way.

And, to usher this in, Mr Dave Brubeck. Because it’s just the most beautiful song ever. Can’t wait to dance properly to this tune…

 

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24 comments on “Running.

  1. My mother has been a dancer all her life. I see the photos of her when she was younger, golden-haired, happy – strong and beautiful. She still loves to dance, and it’s her favorite form of exercise.

    She joined a ballroom dance association, and she’s still got it – the grace, the control of her body. But she’s sixty, and when it comes to social, she’s right where you were – on the sidelines, wanting to escape herself, the bench, this age that crept up on her. It makes me so angry – 75% of the men there are her age or more, but they’re off hounding the younger or at least the thinner. And my mother, who can dance so beautifully, just does paperwork – because she’s also treasurer of the association.

    Everyone deserves a somebody who wants to dance with you, who makes you feel like something that doesn’t need to be run away from, but rather treasured. I am hoping you both find this somebody.

    • I’m not even your mother’s age, but this happened 10 years ago as well – which is why I think my aura has something to do with it.
      And I so love dancing, and dancing with as many different men as you can only adds to your learning curve, it never detracts. Funny that dudes don’t realise this, but stick to the same familiar people always.
      And if there’s one thing I absolutely HATE it’s for somebody to be told to dance with me – I’m many things. A charity case will never sit well with me!
      Thanks for the read and the comment – I also hope I find somebody that can see behind the facade πŸ˜‰

  2. Two words for you: Arthur Murray – everyone dances at the practice dance and group sessions; if the instructors see someone sitting out one dance they will come over and get you for the next one. Plus, the students there appreciate create such a great community that they’d never let you sit out unless you wanted to anyway.

    Best of luck! I hope you find what you are searching for.

    • They sort of do that here as well – make sure that everybody’s dancing, and the instructors do dance with the chicks sitting out.
      Might be that I don’t know anybody yet, and nobody knows me, and that’s a great detractor – I don’t easily get to know people. Not my strong suit I’m afraid!
      Thanks for the luck! Don’t need it with the actual dancing, can use it in finding something worth having πŸ˜‰

  3. So happy to hear you’re gettin’ back to the dance floor; it sure is a great place to find yourself…!
    The single woman at the dances I attend have your problem. Some of them are great dancers however, there are far too few men to go around… My suggestion would be to just keep keeping on for a while. At the least you’ll learn more ‘figures’ and become an even better dancer……..! At the most: It’ll keep you ‘out of trouble’ for a while.. πŸ˜‰

    • it will for sure keep me out of trouble for a while Carol πŸ˜‰
      i’m loving the dancing – it’s ever been something I’m good at and can enjoy it to the fullest πŸ˜‰
      It’s a shame that that’s the case – I think I will have to start learning dude steps and maybe start dancing with the other females there – might be a good way to go, but I’ll need 6 million more lessons than I have now πŸ˜‰

  4. Undoubtedly, you were doing it far too well. The men were intimidated!
    Also, maybe, a lot of the people there sort-of already know one another. The new girl at school isolation?

    • Ag thanks Col!! Although, even if I say so myself, I did it very well πŸ˜‰
      You’re right about the new-girl isolation thing. And this is after all P Town – where new things are being looked at with something close to disdain.
      aanhouer wen I suppose πŸ˜‰

  5. And what better way to express your feelings than lamenting about it, therefore sharing a piece of your life; thus by comments and talking about it, it creates a glue to piece a puzzle of a life back together, not? If people care about you and you them, there is nothing more special than a bonding agent through tough talks . . .

  6. You know what my husband said to me when I complained about people sometimes excluding me from their social groups? He said, “That’s because they’re daunted by you, as you come over as being so capable. Some might even be jealous of you.” I thought how odd, as I’m always feeling so insecure inside, which means they’re just reading my armour, and not me.

    So in answer to your worries, I think that the others at the class were indeed daunted by your brilliant dancing, and it had nothing to do with there being something horrendously unlikable about you.

    • Thanks for this Sarah.
      I think often that it’s easier believing that there’s something wrong with you instead of that it might just be circumstances.

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