…what you doing?
An example of a message I sometimes get at 9:30 pm. From a guy I’ve never met, just spoken to on the phone and chatted to via whatsapp. I never get this message just before he asks me to join him for a meal, or a drink. I only get messaged when he’s at a loose end and think I could help while away a few minutes. When it gets to the rest of his life, I don’t feature all that much.
Suffice to say I’m less than reciprocal in my missives to him. If you’re going to bother me with shit, at least have the decency to do it early in the evening – don’t wait until I’m ensconced in bed, whiling away an hour or two in the company of Sam Vimes et al.
Today saw me finishing the Fifth Elephant, and I found myself crying at the death of Gavin, a wild wolf from Uberwald. A noble animal, friends with Angua the werewolf in the Watch. Such a silly thing to cry over. But Gaspode, the talking dog’s words gave meaning to Gavin’s death. “Shouldnt be like this”, he whined. “If you was human, they’d put you in a big boat on the tide and set fire to it, an’ everyone’d see. Shouldn’t just be you an’ me down here in the cold”
How does the two connect?
Well, they don’t really. Not in any major sense. But in a small way, they are both indicative of my life at the moment.
Left alone. Save the world, and you die alone, in a ditch somewhere. Only contacted when they have nothing else to do. Never a thought given to your actual wants or needs or even situation in any way, shape or form. You should be ready when they are. Available when they can fit you into their unbelievably busy schedule.
And what, exactly is left for you? Can you really pick up a phone and say, I need to go out, feel like a jol? Or “Hey, my house’s walls are pressing the air from my lungs, what say we go do something?” Suppose you could at that, but it won’t make a difference. They will just say, sorry. I’m playing golf. Or I’m already with friends. I’m visiting my sister. Washing the cat. Or some such.
And then the song in the video came on. And I looked at the pictures they’ve used in the video.
It all looks so good, not so? A moment in time, captured forever. Gliding dancers captivated on celluloid.
And I have to wonder, what would it be like to be one in a partnership like that? To be a first thought. To burn in somebody’s blood like a fever. To not be left alone when everybody else goes off to have a life – leaving you to pick up the pieces all the time.
Can’t say such a thing has ever happened to me. Might not even be possible. And if possible, probably not quite feasible. Such things tend to overwhelm you. Still. Being somebody’s passion might make a welcome change from being nobody. Being a first thought will make a welcome change from being a last thought.
I’m just repeating myself. The words are not quite there to describe what I feel today. Probably slightly melancholy, and should pass soon I’m sure.
Even if you did not enjoy the writings, hope you enjoy the song – it is quite gorgeous…