Private number…

Receiving a phone call and you can’t see the number. You know it’s not going to be a good phone call.

The Daily post. Helplessness. Read more about it here.

The phone rings. Look at the screen. Private number.

You quickly go down the list of people you owe money to, detracting the ones you have already received phone calls from. Ah. So this will be so and so. What was the excuse I gave them last time? What was the reason I gave them, why I have not paid them yet?

Helplessness. It engulfs you. It surrounds you in gossamer black. No matter where you turn, you can’t get out of the clingy strands of it. Every day you think it will be better. Today I will get a phone call telling me I have a job. Today I will get a letter stating that, since I am now unemployed, the insurance on this or that has come into effect, either giving me a payment holiday, or clearing the debt outright.

That day never comes though. Every morning you wake up. You try and make sense of something that has no sense. You think up schemes to keep the wolf from the door.

Invariably, they all fail. Your black shroud is firmly in place. Something you can’t control. Your life has been taken away from you. You have to look to other people for your salvation. You remove yourself from society as a whole, and family in particular. Not able to face them, knowing you’re a failure.

I have felt helpless many times in my life. Some times worse than others. Sometimes it’s just a prick on the road that drives as if he has no regard for his fellow road users. And I’m left helpless to change his mind, or to make him see the error of his ways. I’m helpless in the face of the current ruling party’s annoying arrogance.

I think we all feel helplessness in some degree. You can never control everything.

Which is why I try and control my immediate surroundings with an iron fist. Since that is the only place I have any real control.

Alas. Even in that, there’s peril. Always being in control of everything means no chance for the unexpected.

And sometimes even an unexpected maelstrom can have unexpected benefits, tearing headlong, taking you with it, helpless in the face of such happenings. But, at the end, when the calm water reigns once again, you can look back at the helpless flow, and know that it was good…

20 comments on “Private number…

    • granted chickpea. A surprise can be a good thing.
      If it’s a good surprise like a puppy or a box of chocolates.
      invariably though, the surprises i get usually have a sting in them somewhere πŸ™‚

  1. And yet some people actually enjoy a feeling of helplessness and dependence. But that is helplessness in a ‘being helped’ way, not in a ‘nowhere to turn’ one.

    • It is indeed glorious to be “looked after” Col.
      But even in that I’ve been kinda screwed – always feel guilty when others look after me, so I can’t enjoy their largesse in the frame of mind it’s given.
      Being helpless for any length of time is not something i am comfortable with…

      • I suppose it does happen. If one person has the means to spoil another person and the other one does not, I suppose resentment can happen.
        you’re right – people are indeed strange creatures.

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