…not a good thing.
I got a call this morning.
“You sent your CV through a while ago” the woman says. Are you still in the market?
I checked the mail I sent – 9th of June!!!
I’m going for the interview this afternoon, but my gut is not with me on this one.
And the I start doubting. Myself, the Universe, everything.
What if I make the wrong decision because I’m scared of repeating a past mistake? What if my gut’s telling me something that I can’t believe in because of fear?
Fear of sitting at home again because I placed my trust in the wrong people. Fear of being a useless person again, not able to pay my bills, dependent on others for my livelihood…
What I have here is decent. I know what I need to do, I can do it, the money’s not too bad, it’s in JHB, I’m getting to know the people.
The interview I’m going to this afternoon is for work in Pretoria. I’m really scared to work in Pretoria. Afrikaans people has never been people I’ve gotten along with. They might be of my language, but I don’t have the Pretoria mentality.
The whole thing boils down to fear.
Fear of repeating past mistakes, fear of the unknown, doubt in myself and my abilities…
Some fears may be unfounded. Ungrounded. Unprovable.
They are very real though – and will always be – until I can get myself so far as to trust my instinct, and myself once again…