…not a good thing.

I got a call this morning.

“You sent your CV through a while ago” the woman says. Are you still in the market?

I checked the mail I sent – 9th of June!!!

I’m going for the interview this afternoon, but my gut is not with me on this one.

And the I start doubting. Myself, the Universe, everything.

What if I make the wrong decision because I’m scared of repeating a past mistake? What if my gut’s telling me something that I can’t believe in because of fear?

Fear of sitting at home again because I placed my trust in the wrong people. Fear of being a useless person again, not able to pay my bills, dependent on others for my livelihood…

What I have here is decent. I know what I need to do, I can do it, the money’s not too bad, it’s in JHB, I’m getting to know the people.

The interview I’m going to this afternoon is for work in Pretoria. I’m really scared to work in Pretoria. Afrikaans people has never been people I’ve gotten along with. They might be of my language, but I don’t have the Pretoria mentality.

The whole thing boils down to fear.

Fear of repeating past mistakes, fear of the unknown, doubt in myself and my abilities…

Some fears may be unfounded. Ungrounded. Unprovable.

They are very real though – and will always be – until I can get myself so far as to trust my instinct, and myself once again…


31 comments on “Fear…

    • Ek is dalk kopgejag H, maar my maag is heeltemal op hol vanmiddag!
      Ek sal maar gaan kyk wat gaan vir wat. Ek is nie eens aangetrek vir ;n onderhoud nie, vergeet om iets op die gesig te sit vir bietjie kleur vanoggend – ek is glad nie voorbereid nie, maar nou ja.
      Kan maar net bid en hoop vir wysheid – ek het nou iets om te verloor waar ek voorheen nie gehad het nie…

  1. The thing about past mistakes is that it is a lesson learnt and you can make your decisions easier based on the past experiences. I wish you luck ghiatjie, with whatever you decide to do.

    • That’s just the thing Esperanza – I can’t be sure that I will make the right decision.
      I can only pray for wisdom when it does come to decision time…

    • Well, I went there – seems a bit dodgy, and I don’t expect to hear anything from them for quite a while. If ever.
      I’m almost certain what the outcome here will be…

      • Don’t quite know how to describe it.
        I experience it as a small mindedness, a mentality of plunging a knife in your back while smiling to your face. A gossiping, in the box kind of mind. Where anything slightly off centre is made off as bad, or crazy.
        Don’t know if such a thing exists in Aus as well…

      • Sure…!
        I think this mentality can be seen anywhere there are humans…! 😉
        However, there are probably ‘clicks’ of this within certain groups; seems that may be so in Pretoria…
        It’s kinda hard to be yourself when those around you consciously or unconsciously subscribe to a ‘certain way of thinking’; it can be very limiting and very judgmental; to be sure…! However, it keeps those within the group feeling ‘comfortable’ and ‘structured’; even when that structure is confining, so to speak.
        Yes, I appreciate what you are saying; it is ‘box’ like…

      • And that is why I’m not so hot on working in Pretoria.
        that mentality gets me down, having to watch everything you say and do – it’s wearying to say the least, and not something you can keep up indefinitely…

  2. Thank you for having the guts to express a very real reaction out loud. I completely related with what you wrote and find it very refreshing, not that you’re having this emotion but that you speak it out loud. Glad I came over here today.Wishing you well, success! Happy Holidays, friend. p.s. true: time will tell. 🙂

  3. Ah, 68ghia, know the feeling well. Wish I’d read this at the time. So? Why the hesitation? You said it’s a bit dodgy, which here in the States means suspect, doesn’t feel right, possibly criminal. There’s your tell, as well as the feeling re Pretoria. So, a matter of feeling like you have to take any job just to have money coming in? That one I know. Perhaps by saying no before the job offer, at least to yourself? This trusting yourself and, ultimately, God, is one decision at a time. “Stress is when the gut says no and the mouth says yes.” Or, as my mother put it, “If you are willing to accept what is the worst that can happen, then take the risk.”

    • You’re absolutely right 😉
      Even though I went for the interview, I don’t think it was something I could see myself doing for any amount of time at all!!
      I’ve ignored my gut a few times – at my peril. Won’t do so again!!

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