Yesterday I wished for more rain. Because I actually like a rainstorm. The thunder and lightning, the cleansing water…
I should have known not to tempt fate.
Seems that the Universe is really heaping up the trials. As if it’s not enough that I can’t bake anything until I either get the big stove fixed, or put the old, smaller one back in again, I now have to deal with roof leaks.
Have you any idea what a huge fright you get if water suddenly starts streaming down the wall? Out of the light fitting?
Do I know how to fix it? Nope, I do not.
Do I have the resources to pay somebody to come and fix it? Hell no!
Of course the ceiling in the scullery is completely screwed. Seems the water is leaking through the spot where the beams join. A broken tile right over the wall in the study. I’m scared to death of heights, so the chances of me getting on the roof is not enormous. Suppose I could climb up, but getting down is always a problem. Sure, I have insurance on my bond –
Do I get angry because I have nobody to help me? Do I blame somebody or something? Suppose the house is getting old, these things will happen, not much you can do about it.
I’ll deal with this too. Like I do everything else.
Might ask my biL to help me – could probably fix the tile with some kind of adhesive or something, put some plastic sheeting over the visible breaks – until I have the resources to fix it properly. Living in a shack in other words.
Can’t tell you how tired I am of this constant struggle.
And how unbearably tired I am of always doing every fucking thing on my own!!!! Dealing with everything by myself.
Where are all the useless men I know? Oh, they’re ready if there’s bedsport to be had, or even the remote possibility of it. But when it comes to something that might make an actual difference in my life, they’re notoriously absent. Think there’s a single one I could phone to come and help me? Oh, I could call them, but the excuses would be varied – I’ll not even bother. Not worth the effort.
I wonder if I’m being beaten to the ground so that I would learn to depend on people. Or that I should stop trying to control everything. Is this a necessary lesson though? Can’t I just live my life on the sidelines, on my own where I’m happiest? Why on earth do I HAVE to let people in? To screw me over even more than they already have? To use me and my kindness until they’re fixed only to then be like mist before the sun when I need help? I’ve asked for help before. It was not given. Now I don’t ask anymore. Not from people in any case. If I can fix it by myself, fine. If I can’t, it don’t get fixed.
The sun’s setting – have to do something to fix the stupid roof before it starts raining again and I have to swim around my effing house! Just as well I don’t have lots of carpets in here anymore.
Do have a spectacular day!!