Life…

…and Death.

 

Such have been my thoughts lately.

I once went to a funeral where the pastor’s words made me think along a completely different track with regards to how you live and how you die.

He said that the worth of a person’s life is in how many lives they thouched during their existence on earth.

In the meantime, I went to a few more funerals where the normal ramblings were uttered, and the last one I attended, I was part of the kitchen staff dealing with the catering.

Since my life at the moment is more than upside down, death is beginning to look like the only way out. There seems to be something wrong with my eyes – I just can’t see myself living on the streets, begging for money.

Anyhow.

I’m still alive – for the moment.

But I have been wondering how my existence has touched other people’s lives.

Have I made it good for some? Bad? Was knowing me the highlight of their lives, or one of the lows? Do they think of me only in terms of rudeness, or maybe in terms of kindness? Maybe love? Or just tolerance…

How many people will come to my funeral should I die? Would they be sad? Will they make the effort of taking off work to attend the last ceremony regarding me? Or will they just be happy in the knowledge that I don’t exist anymore?

These are all things I will never know. Once I’m dead, everything will cease to matter. Even the fact that the mortuary staff will treat my naked, dead body with less respect than a piece of steak. All the things that matter to me now will mean nothing. nobody will have the same regard as I do for the old stuff in my house. They will care as little about my lovely tins as they do about the weather. And if I think of how long and from how far those tins have come, it saddens me.

To realise that the whole of my existence at the moment is contained in a few pieces of furniture, albeit classics. A heap of tins and a collection of plants…

At the moment I’m completely superfluous. I don’t add any value. Can’t look after myself, need other people to help me.

And how is that different from being old and in pain and wanting release from all that?

Ok, maybe I’m just a tad more morbid than I need to be.

Honestly speaking though, if I don’t find a job soon, I don’t see any way out other than death – easier to die than to face the life I have now. The coward’s way out, I realise, but can you really blame me? To sit here day after day, knowing that you are completely useless, that there’s not a single person out there that wants you for anything more than just the most basic things, that your life has become a drain on other people’s emotions – and you can’t do anything to stop it.

Not a good place to be in.

And I’ve been there for longer than I care to be.

The plans are not in motion yet. I still have to get rid of all the cookies I made.

And maybe I’ll feel differently tomorrow.

Anything’s indeed possible!

 

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20 comments on “Life…

  1. I really hope that you’ll feel differently today rather than tomorrow. You have your mom, your sister and your sons who all love you. At times like this, family must all pull together. This is NOT your fault, so don’t be too proud to accept help. Sending you positive thoughts and hugs.

  2. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling, but I can say that you mustn’t give up,. This is a really rotten time and space you are in right now, but it will change. Big strong hugs and positive thoughts going your way, they’ll be arriving after AD’s! πŸ™‚

  3. I hear you, Ghia. You are indeed low. Like your other commenters have already said, do hang in there. Fingers crossed, this will soon be over. I know, easy for bystanders to say, but depression causes illness. Please take care.

    • I just hope it does not last too much longer Tess.
      Don’t know if I’m strong enough for more trials!
      Thanks for the wishes though – they are appreciated!

  4. Sometimes it appears there really is little, if anything, anyone can say that will likely make you feel better.
    Every suggestion seems banal, every consoling/encouraging word seems trite – even if you know the answer – the doing is the thing and digging oneself out of this hole is hell.
    If it is too tough to take it one day at a time, take it one moment at a time.
    Watch/read something funny. Force yourself if you have to.This is important.
    Get some fresh air, go window shopping (you never know who you’ll bump into) dig a bit in the garden. Invite someone round for tea or coffee.
    Something will click.
    And most of all, keep your faith.

  5. Thanks for the encouragement Ark.
    Keep my faith you say… In taking the Christian route in this instance, it might very well get very bad before it gets better. It seems one has to be broken down completely before the building starts again.
    I could handle most of the other things up till now, not si sure I can handle it again…
    I am indeed taking it a moment at a time. Mix one batch of better, get it baked, next, and so on.
    Makes the day go by, and at night I’m tired enough to be in bed early and sleep during the darkest hours.
    Again, thanks for the kind words – they are a balm to my bruised soul.

  6. This is definitely an increasinly rocky patch! Smooth road is somewhere ahead, though. Darkest before the dawn and all of that – trite, but nevertheless true.
    One thing you must never do is regard the circumstances as a measure of your worth. They are not. A great number of people of considerable potential are being wasted due mainly to extremely silly policies whereby everyone loses.

  7. Have you ever heard of the Law of Attraction? I know it’s really hard to think positive, when nothing seems to work… But the more you think of things you don’t have, or should have had, or the job that you can’t land the more of the same you attract. If you could only manage to create a fantasy life in your mind, and start thinking of joyful things, gradually you will start attracting great opportunities. It us easier said than done, I know, but give it a shot. It works. It will work for you. And when it does, you’ll be in position to help other people. Here’s a little post I wrote a while back about my experimentation with the Law of Attraction: http://nyparrot.wordpress.com/2012/04/23/hello-world-2/
    Sending positive vibes your way!!:)

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