The phone call.

One of many.

From my ex.

Why? I have absolutely no idea. He will phone just to hear how I am.

How much of that is actual give a shit, or a spot of gloating that his words to me a while ago came true, I just don’t know.

While I was plotting this post during dishwashing, I thought back to all the things he said to me during the time we got divorced – close to 14 years now.

“I will see to it that you suffer like all the other divorced women out there”

“If you happened to be in a car accident and can’t look after yourself aymore, well then, you’re on your own”

And in light of these, and many other, conversations, I can’t help but wonder, Why?

I’m certainly not the only divorced woman in the world. I was not the first, and I was by no means the last. I know many divorced women. Men too for that matter.

And one thing that I notice through-out is loathing. Or hate. Or just plain nagativity. From both partners.

I know divorced men that walked out of their marriages with just their clothes.

Wife took everything – furniture, house, money, kids. And then she proceeds to undermine his standing with the children – creating more humans that won’t trust. That can’t see the goodness in people. That has no relationship with their father and so, perpetuating the sins of the parents.

This too, is reminiscent of how I got divorced. He planned to do to me exactly what his father did to his mother. And she hated their father. They were not allowed to see him while they were growing up. On the one hand I can clearly understand that hatred. But all she did was harm her kids.

And I always tried to not fall into that trap. Sure, I would have gladly killed my ex had the opportunity presented itself, and the repercussions were not so severe. I regretted meeting him, all the things that happened while we were together. But I never kept his kids away from him. If anything, I forced them to go see their father – was not planning on having him be put on a pedestal like he did his father!I insisted that my children see their father for what he was – without any help from me.

Yet, we suffered – money wise. Walking away from him was not the worst thing I ever did – far from it. Emotionally wise. It took me many years to find myself again, and even now I struggle to not blame current people for the faults of the fore-runners. I try, and sometimes I succeed.

But money has always been tight. We were looked after, but never had a lot.

And that is what I was wondering about when I thought back to my years as newly divorced female, and the ultimate reason for this post.

Why not look after your previous spouse?

Why insist that she suffer, not give her enough money to see to her own as well as the kids’ comfort?

All you as ex-husband and father are doing is to drive a wedge between yourself and your kids.

How many women stay in bad relationships because they don’t have money to look after themselves, and they know their husband will not look after them?

All I can think about in this instance is the kids. I do think you do more damage to your children by staying in a bad marriage, than by getting out and going it alone. Sure you might not have a lot of money, but at least you will be able to deal with things as it happens.

I suppose this post is more of a rambling than anything real.

Maybe I was just wondering why I get so many, seemingly innocent, phone calls from a man that did not like who I was while we were married, a man that did nothing unless I asked and begged him to, a man that could not wait for me to leave before he replaced me with somebody else, a man that would have thrown me to the wolves with hardly a thought…

Maybe I’m just yearning for something, or some-one, to come and resque me 😉 A knight on a white charger.

Or maybe, just a man that will understand why I do the things I do, and love me, regardless…

 

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12 comments on “The phone call.

  1. This post reminds of an American Red Indian truism. Do not ask me which tribe. In short. In each of us live two wolves. One evil and one good. They are always fighting. The eventual winner is the one you choose to feed. Have a nice weekend and keep on feeding the good one.

  2. to this day I never ever understand why a parent would deprive their child something, financial or kindness, just to get back at their ex. One of my colleagues is getting divorced and you should hear her on the phone, wow, quite toxic!

  3. I’m the one who decided my marirage was toxic but it took almost 20 years before I didn’t absolutely loathe the man for messing up our lives. Divorce, is horrible. I don’t wish it on anyone even if I have been divorced. And you’re right, Ghia, it’s bad for the kids but somehow my daughter eventually noticed I made the right choice after making the wrong choice first.

    • I suppose my kids realise the wisdom of the divorce after the fact.
      I ahve never felt that I made a mistake doing it, only that I let it carry on quite as long as I did.
      I just sometimes wish we handled it differently…

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