And no, I have not gotten lost. Yet.

Although my mind is a morass of dark thoughts. It seems I just can’t get rid of the blackness permeating every single thing I do or think about.

The job situation.

I’ve been without work now for almost 4 months. Not for want of trying though. I’ve been sending CV’s away – and not only one or two a day. Nope. I send out at least 10-15 if not more, every time I’m online.

It’s not as if there are no jobs – there’s plenty. I know, I’m applying for them. For some I’m perfectly suited. Others I will be with some training, or a refresher course.

Why then have I not received any call backs? Why have not a single place called me for an interview? Am I really that unemployable?

I’ve changed my CV to not be quite as daunting as it was. I’m applying for everything and anything I can see. I’m not expecting a huge salary, or even a managerial job – quite prepared to do just about anything.

What the hell am I going to do?

I have no options open to me.

Exept credit life insurance. And for that, I have to be dead. By something other than my own hand. And, truth be told, I don’t really want to die. Have always prided myself on the fact that I’m strong, I can weather any storm. This one is proving to be my biggest one yet. All because I’m completely powerless to change it. With emotional shit, I’m always able to remove myself from the situation. Handle it, stoically, until it goes away in reality.

And then it’s expected of me to celebrate Nelson Mandela’s b day today. 67 minutes or sum such for charity. Maybe it would have helped me to see that I’m not that badly off. Then again, in the darkness of my mind, I struggle to see the upside in anything.

Forgive me if I’m not too favourably inclined towards the supposed “Big Man” and his ideals. Because his ideals were never for me or my kind. Just his own lot, and they’re not quite living up to his standards at the moment.

He has not really done anything for me, and his cronies are doing everything in their power to push me out of the way.

I can’t compete with skincolour. Only with skills.

And that, in the New South Africa, meansย as little as a band aid over a leg fracture.ย 

Hopefully your day is going better than mine…




20 comments on “Wondering.

  1. I was unemployed for nearly two years. To qualified for some work and not enough for others… I received a job offer totally out of the blue one day. Was supposed to be for a temp position to help sort out some mess or the other. Nearly 10 years later I’m still here. So keep at it and get rid of those black thoughts. Attract the positive.

    • 2 years Paul? Have you any idea what would happen to me if I’m unemployed for 2 years? I will have to go live in a shack in Alexandra. Oh wait, they won’t allow me – I’m white!!
      And the black thoughts just keep on coming!!!

  2. PS – forgot to say I also went to hundreds of interviews, distributed my CV until I felt most people in Pretoria knew who I was. Walked 100’s of miles as I didnt have petrol etc

    • One Interview Paul. Just one. I don’t go anywhere, or do anything. Just park off at home sending CV’s off to all and sundry.
      I’m losing hope. Fast.

  3. A truly nasty situation to be in – and so unnecessarily. It is maddening that there are so many totally unsuitable and inept people in employment, making a right muck-up of it, while the willing and competent cannot find a job because of pigmentation. No wonder the country is going backwards by the day.
    Hopefully SOMEBODY out there is in need of a person who can actually deliver the goods.

  4. That’s a great “band aid” simile. Just keep on trying until you strike gold.I can’t imagine why someone hasn’t at least called you for an interview. xx

    • Maybe I really AM useless AD.
      it’s been said often, I just chose to ignore it.
      Unfortunately now, the pigeons are coming home to roost and I have to face the possibility of my complete and utter uselessness.

  5. Don’t lose hope….I know it’s easier said than done.

    By the way, have you ever thought about going abroad? Just a thought….

    • Thanks Grace.
      The only places abroad that I could possibly find work at is places like Afghanistan. Not that that’s a problem, it’s only a bit difficult to get in there – like with so many other places…
      I’m too old for a normal job somewhere overseas.

  6. I can only add the same as other commenters, try to stay positive. Not much help, I know. I know it’s hard to be positive when you’re down but fingers crossed something will drop into your lap SOON.

  7. I can only relate your story to my youngest daughter who recently struggled to find work. It was really tough, and finally she got a lucky break in a bar. Try to stay bright and positive, I know it’s touch, something will come up ๐Ÿ™‚

    • It would seem I’m too old for lucky breaks – people don’t want to look a 40+ year old in the face over the bar unless she’s got mountains of cleavage ๐Ÿ˜‰
      I will continue to hope though, even if it’s difficult.

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