…is the mood.
Get this phone call from mom this morning.
“What have you arranged for the eldest?”
What, for his birthday? I did not really arrange anything other than the koek en tee on Sunday afternoon, why?
Oh, I thought we could have a braai at your sister’s house for his birthday and to say good bye to your aunt that flying off into the blue yonder again on Wednesday.
Well, sorry mom. I don’t have money to buy expensive meat for a braai.So I’d really rather not go there for a braai.
And for that matter, what’s stopping you from bringing your meat to my house and having the braai here? Is it not good enough for you at my lowly house with only one story, brown garden and no TV and PVR decoder and luxuries?
It’s such a bother to bring all the food and the coals and the firelighters and the mieliemeel… I have all that MOTHER. I’ve got my own braai. I have my own coals. Firelighters, even pap and sauce. And lo and behold I have a stove, pots and water!!nly thing i don’t have is the meat…
Seeing as it’s my bloody son’s birthday, surely a celebration of that fact should be held at MY house?
You don’t know what I think, my mom tells me. I know exactly what you think of my house mom. And what you think of me. Because you have not had anything good to say about either me or my house in I can’t remember how long. I was told not to invite certain family members to my house because they’re rich people and will laugh at me and my humble little house.
I also know that people get sick of other people always complaining about the fact that they have no money – so I’d prefer not to make my problems other people’s. Family notwithstanding, some days I can’t even handle myself, let alone other people’s issues. Why do you think I don’t phone you and complain about anything? Why I always try and make light of the situation?
And I’m not allowed to fight with mom because she has cancer. So what? I wish that was the only thing I had to worry about!!! Yes, I realise it’s s shock to the system. And I realise you’re sick, and get chemo and worry about your hair and things. I don’t know if the cancer is still life threatening or not.
Do you have to worry about anything else? Nope, not really.
Are you running the risk of losing everything you’ve worked for? Nope you are not.
Do you have to worry about the medical bills? Nope, you don’t.
Do you have to worry about where your next plate of food is going to come from? No, you don’t.
Wondering when they will cut your electricity? Nothing like that.
You can water your garden as often as you like because somebody else pays those bills.
You can watch TV all day long, because somebody else pays those bills.
Don’t have to worry about your car breaking down – somebody else’s worry…
I was probably wrong in fighting with mom. And I’m in all likelihood going to have to apologise. Make it good again. Because I don’t have cancer, so I can’t possibly have ANYTHING to worry about. I’m just a good for nothing rubbish, lying around at home, not doing anything…
I’m sorry though. I am completely sick and tired of always being the one that needs help. Of always being the one that screws up or is screwed around by other people. Always being the one to apologise for my dead garden and unkempt house. Of sitting around while other people try and help me. Thing is, they usually do it on their terms. Have I asked any family member for any money? Nothing! How can I in good consience go and sit in their house, eat their meat, made on their braai, when I can’t afford to do the same for myself? Why don’t they rather use that money and buy me bread and milk? Butter? Or just have their bloody lunch without me, and say their farewells without me.
Way things stand now I’m just an embarassment to them, so just leave me alone. Completely alone. If you feel sorry for me, don’t. I’ve managed before, and I’ll manage again. Don’t quite know how, but I will.
OK fine. So today is not a good day for me to be alive. They happen. They come and go, and there’s not much I can do about it. Unfortunately, on days like these I say things that should not be said and then I have to pay the piper.
Mom has not phoned me since Monday. Why today? If they really worried about me, maybe an sms or something?
You know what.
I’ll just hide away in my cave.
I’ll just make as if there are no people on earth other than myself, and live my life accordingly.
I’ll trawl the websites, send off CV’s in the hope that some or other company won’t worry too much that I’m neither black, nor coloured nor indian. Because apparently those are the only employable people in South Africa.
Or I’ll just rent a criminal to remove me from the face of the earth – that way all the insurers will pay out, and at least my kids will have some kind of future in this sucky place I call home!! Suicide by criminal – means I don’t have to pull the trigger myself, or have the balls to drink a crapload of pills. I can just die and then the stain of my existence will be removed from my family’s stellar reputation.
Enough of this.
I’m going to do the dishes now, and make sure the place is relatively clean and slightly more dustfree than usual – in case people do decide to come for a guilt visit on Sunday.
Do hope you’re having a much better day than me!!