On kids…

…and life.

 

Most of us have had kids.

Some still have them.

Some want them.

Some of us have big kids, some have small kids.

Chances are, if you have had anything resembling a committed relationship, kids would be part of that relationship, bar any unforseen circumstances.

 

Now, I think it’s supposed to go something like this :

 

You marry.

You work.

You have kids.

You raise said kids – teach them right from wrong, how to behave in certain situations, make them go to school, do their homework – in all, trying to make decent adults of them. Something that’s apparently falling by the wayside these days.

Anyhow.

Once they become adults and leave the house, you and your chosen partner live your lives as you can or want – with no restrictions or holds barred – no kids to worry about, see?

 

What happens when the course of that particular boat is interrupted?

Most usually, by divorce, but death does play a role in the demise of the “normal” relationship.

Although divorce creates a chaos all of it’s own.

For the sake of this scenario, I’ll use divorce. It’s what I know.

 

Ok.

You’ve had your kids.

And then you get divorced.

What now!

You’re only one person. And you have to do everything.

Have to do the fetching and carrying, the looking after the family, fighting for money from the ex, listen to the kid’s problems, solve the ones you can, and ignoring the ones you can’t.

You get to have The Talk with your boys.

Your whole life gets taken up with making sure the kids are OK.

That they’re looked after and cared for.

 

And then they leave.

 

You realise something.

Your whole life has revolved around your rugrats.

They’ve ruled the roost.

If money had to be spent, it was spent on them.

You have not watched an adult movie in ages – but you are well aware of all the animation and blood and guts stuff.

And now they’re big.

 

What on earth do you do?

How do you climb out of the child rearing hole you’ve dug yourself into?

So you start dating.

Or you do something crazy like go to Iraq.

But you still don’t have a social life.

You have a life sure – books to read, music to listen to, games to play.

 

But where’s the partner that was supposed to be there after the kids have left the house?

Where’s the guy that you were supposed to get to know again?

 

Thing is. He’s gone. Busy with his own life.

Because HIS life did not revolve around kids for the past 15 years.

He was able to continue on his merry way, go places, do things, experience life without you.

 

Point I’m trying to make.

If you live your whole live just for your kids, you are the only one that gets left behind.

Because kids HAVE to leave. They can not stay with you. They should not be allowed to.

So.

Make sure you always keep something of and for yourself – just in case you ever get to live the live you might plan on living…one day…

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21 comments on “On kids…

  1. I prefer to think of it as having kids to be part of my life rather sacrificing my life for my kids.
    Maybe that’s just me. We are one family but we’re old enough to not infringe on each other, yet we can and do still all sit and watch a movie together.

    • And you had a partner to share the burden with I presume?
      We would all prefer our kids to be just a part of life, and not the whole existence.
      When you go through emotional discard though, you have to hold on to anything that keeps you going – and that’s when kids become more than they should be…

      • I think I had better blog that review on “The Script”. Awesome book! I feel it’s essential for every woman to read it… and those men who are interested, too (beware: The cover is PINK!).

      • @K – and I will see if I can find it online.
        Although, I have to give the devil his due – the ex did pay for the eldes’s registration and books at varsity. and the kid has now roped him into paying for the room he’s renting – master manipulator that one!!
        But the ex stopped paying any kind of maintenance when the eldest turned 18.

  2. Men can cut me to pieces now I do not care a hoot because we can be so disgusting and feel great, I know many divorce cases and only one stands out as remarkable and that was a cousin of mine. Divorced remarried and yet took care of the ex and the children so much so the new and the ex became bosom friends, and the divorce was not because of another woman or man, it was simply incompatibly. My cousin was a role model. However not having walked that route I will hold my tongue.

    • I can’t say that I want to be friends with the ex’s new wife – I hold no real animosity towards her.
      What I can’t grasp is why do men not carry their responsibilities? If money’s the only thing you get to give to your kids, why begrudge them that just because you hate the mom?
      Hate me all you like, your kids did not deserve that hate and the subsequent proof of said hate…
      I’m not sorry that I raised my kids the way I did.
      Just a little sad at the life I’m trying to lead now – without them…

      • Out of “The Script”, a hair-raising statistic: According to one financial advisor, 100% of divorced fathers do not pay a cent towards their children’s further education after the children are 18.

        It is not hate. It’s callous selfishness; they have moved on with life and are not looking back; they have literally forgotten their wife and children.

      • If I had any nuts, it would grate tight now!!
        I do think that the ex thinks I still hold a torch for him – because I don’t have another partner yet.

  3. It is indeed a shame when mom has to do it all after the divorce. Another scenario might be that she had to do it all herself even before the divorce, therefore the split. I agree that absent fathers should think about their children even though they are not longer a couple with the mom. Why is it so easy for them to just get on with THEIR life? The ARE their children / child too.

    About being alone after the kids are gone, I understand that because we’ve a lot in common here. I guess my job became my life after my daughter left, then I entertained international students for a long time. The one good thing I feel good about is that I have been alone (sans partner) so long, I can no longer imagine sharing my life with ANYone. I have a current opportunity but there are no sparks and again, all I can think about is I don’t have time for a relationship. Maybe I’m just a weird duck.

    • I doubt that you’re a weird duck for not wanting complications in your life.
      many women out there shrink from that – for the plain and simple reason that we just don’t NEED men that much anymore.
      Everything they can do, we can do – and if we can’t, we GSI – Get Someone In 😉
      As for the exes getting on with their lives – they don’t have to be at home in the evenings, or ferry the kids around over weekends – those do tend to halt your social life slightly 😉

      • no, it is joint RESPONSIBILITY, and the children must spend time with both parents. Spending holidays etc with dad is a good way for them all to remember who is who and what is needed.

    • All parents should have joint responsibility – that should go without saying.
      Yet, the parent that the kids live with is the one with the real responsibility.
      They deal with the other partner’s inadequacies as well as their own…
      It’s a sad, sad situation…

      • It can be dreadful, yet I know quite a few completely involved fathers after a divorce. I think its how they approach the divorce together – making the children their first priority throughout, from both sides.

  4. Aw 68ghia, sorry to hear that!

    I have a friend who has never yet been married… she’s a lot younger than me, and she was alone for many years. She made string puppets for flea markets and travelled the world with her profits. I used to envy her travel, and freedom of choice. She now has a steady boyfriend who controls her every move and decision, and a day-job which fails to pay enough for travel. I feel sorry for her now. It’s a trap of a different sort.

    • That is absolutely the truth K – which is another reason I’m wary of getting into a ful time relationship.
      I don’t know why we would let ourselves be trapped in these kind of situations – it just makes no sense.
      But maybe she yearned for what you had all these years…

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